Ah, another week, another pay per view. This would be the third week in a row that a wrestling ppv has unfortunately graced television and satellite packages around the country. Starting off with WWE's Survivor Series to the ECW's December to Disremember (any knowledge of) to this week's TNA's Turning Point. Show me the individual that bought all three of these, and I would like to take a tour of his gold house and get a glimpse of his pimped out rocket car!
unfortunately Kurt Angle won't be enjoying his material possessions so much this week, as he dropped his rematch to Samoa Joe in tap out like fashion. Angle who has worked Joe up into a killer rage by talking about the Iraqi wrestler he's beaten in the Olympics (I think its a metaphor for the idea of never giving up or he's just having a flashback to wrestling Devari) and by looking out for Joe's back by dropping him angle slam style on his neck. No one can get your back if your flat and unconscious, is the reasoning I bet. Well the rematch, took place and by the looks of the picture above there is going to be a rubber match with this series tied at 1 one a piece for each combatant.
Abyss though is undefeated as the champ and this time he picked up the win in non DQ style against Christian Cage and the Man called Sttttiiiiinnng. With Cage showing off how good his waist would look with a belt hanging off of it. The Abysseer' black holed slam Sting into the Alpha Centarui star system. The reverb took Cage out of the match and gave Abyss the win and the time to take the tacks out of his back.
OUCH! That gotta hurt!
LAX showed they got the Mexican pride winning there match against America's Most Wanted. Since they won, LAX got to stand back and hear Homicide sing the Chicano national anthem as their flag along with Spanish announcer Moody Jack was raised to the rafters. I can already hear color guy Don West saying.. "Oh, this makes me sick!!" There, there eat a beanie baby Don, its Christmas.
Now Eric young winning a bikini contest, that's enough to make me sick. You think Young getting over for his retard routine makes Eugene pissed? It must, he beat up Hacksaw Jim Dugan. Hoooooooo, wffff... Other highlights included AJ Styles notching the debatable win over Rhyno, thus voiding the warranty on the War Machine. The fallen Angel keeping the X-Division title against Chris Saban with Jerry Lynn as the ref. Lynn would slap Daniels on the face in the end. Must be some form of X-Division , thank you.
In the celebrity fight club portion of the ppv, Chicago White Sox star AJ Pierzynski came to blows with St. Louis Cardinals' all around little guy David Eckstein, about the comments the world series MVP made in his new book "Have Heart". White Sox strength and conditioning coach Dale Torborg would grab the book and start ripping out the pages, screaming THIS IS NOT QUALITY LITERATURE!!! Thus beginning what may be one of strangest pier six brawls not to take place on a baseball diamond. Truly a black eye and peas for baseball, which gets a thumbs up from me.
Voodoo Kin Mafia still did not explain what Voodoo Kin Mafia means, but they did make some more fun of DX by coming to the ring dressed as HBK and Bud Light Man Law rep HHH. By calling them by there real names: Michael Hickenbottom (HBK) and Paul Levesque (you know!) you don't give them power! VKM then made a million dollar challenge to their former partners to fight them. Just who are they kidding, any two guys calling themselves the Voodoo Kin Mafia do not have a million dollars. So they reduced it to the 4.95 and some change challenge.
Highlight of the Week At Turning Point, Kevin Nash sponsored the Paparazzi Championship Series which was won by Senshi scoring 5 points to Austin Starr - the Man from TV Land - 4 points due to some Alex Shelly interference. To make sure all the X-Division wrestlers were ready for the event, Nash put them through some rigorous psychological testing. Enjoy!
Man accidentally Orders ECW PPV, Reports are he's Pissed South Plainfield, NJ - It was going to be an ordinary Sunday night for James Roberts. He had just finished watching 6 straight hours of football. He was awaiting his usual pizza deliverly order, and was going to polish off a great night with a viewing of some skin flick on Playboy PPV. That's when his night took a dark and sinister turn for the worst.
"I just um realized that I didn't order that Briana Banks movie, but order something called December to Dismember!!!!!"
Realizing his mental miscue, Roberts tried to undue the damage (and probably his pants) by calling the cable company to beg and plead them not to charge the astonishing 39.95 this event cost.
It was all for naught as the damage was done. Roberts trying to make the best out of bad situation tried to watch the heinous pay per view. He was left broken beaten and un-entertained. The only thing that could console him was the stale Taco Bell Chicken Quesdilla in his fridge.
The above story is a cautionary one, but it goes to show you most people would rather eat a stale ecoli drenched taco then to acknowledge the crap that was the ECW ppv.
Let's go to the breakdown chart:
Nope that's not good at all.
The ppv was highlighted with the introduction of the "extreme" elimination chamber, featuring "pods" holding weapons such as a chair, barb wired baseball bat, etc. This match was to feature the company's main talent such as the Sunday night heat players, RVD and the guy they just brought in from Smackdown cause they had an available pod for booking. Lashley fit that bill and he spent most of the match being locked in his pod.
Using his hulk like strength, Lashley broke from pod and beat up the only guy left in the ring, the Big Show aka the champ aka the giant aka the ogre guy in King Book ka's court on smackdown. Lashley then joined Batista in being the same wrestler to hold two different belts. By the same wrestler, I mean bodybuilder and talentless.
All this in under 2 hours and 15 minutes. WOW! That's like a episode of RAW without the Highlander match. To cap it all off the bookers decided to pull a bait and switch by giving Sabu the night off just cause, so that Bob Holly could be in the chamber. Why? Cause the people love race car drivers. I don't know!
It wasn't all bad. Fan favorite CM Punk was eliminated from the chamber in less than 3 minutes and the exhibition girl got a divorce from Mike Knox, when Knox left her high and dry in the ring. They made up the next night and he pulverize her for it again. OK so it was all bad!
No doubt RAW can take away the taste of a ecoli flavored wrestling show out of mouth? Nope
Just more of same with Umaga clashing with Cena after a masterlock challenge for the title, followed by the usual sight of DX acting like Jay and Silent Bob.
At least Kenny survived the Spirit Squad mailing scam of last week. He wanted to prove himself to Team Rated RKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, cause with just the two of them they are just powerful, but with Kenny they would be unstoppable!!!! He was right. Sort of? Together Kenny may have survived the eventual finishing move buffet he received from DX at the end of RAW.
Highlight of the Week Due to December to Dismember being well god awful. The WWE dismissed Paul Heyman. Please note, Heyman did not book the PPV for he is only a TV personality. McMahon with pants fully around his ankles commented that the real elimination chamber is his board room. Zing!
Heyman security goons though are still fully employed and apparently faceless. Whew I was getting nervous there for a second.
My favorite form of black Friday Christmas shopping is online. The array of disingenuous deals coupled with the outright brutality found at brick and mortar outlets at 4 am leaves me a little bit cold (literally your balls can fall off waiting for a circuit city to open). Good thing for me, I'm lazy. I like the anticipation of a package coming in the mail and the danger of having my identity stolen. Let's face it, where else other than on the Internet can you get a Wii for triple its retail price, opened and coming with a copy of excite truck that has peanut butter on the bottom of the disk. Apparently though my package of Spirt Squad is on route.
If you missed the low lights this week, the now comically aimed DX teamed with Ric Flair, best known for just about anything to do with wrestling, to fight the Spirit Squad for the 45th time this year. The match which did feature one spirit squader having his butt firmly flying off Kenny's head, ended with DX picking up the win stretching their record to 38-2-5 against the cheerleaders. Were not done with the squad just yet. HHH (Martin) and HBK (Lewis) gathered up the squad stuffed them in a truck and mailed them back to the WWE's minor league the OVW. In terms of getting them over all I got to say is: DAMN! Bet you knew that was coming.
Team Rated RKO, who are now married at the hip for being the bestest of buddies, would not stand for this humiliation of heels and the death to a lame gimmick. They proceed to show DX who's boss by making Flair...
bleed....a lot. I think he can recover guys.
RAW sputtered on with Eugene showing Hacksaw Jim Dugan just who is the crazy retard of this place. Yes its let see here...2006 and were watching a Hacksaw Jim Dugan match. Cryme Tyme beatup a Michael Richards looklike. You know? For the hood. The Hardy Boys reunited extremely to extreme fight Team Rated RKO for the extreme tag titles which they lost extremely. Edge even brought up all the extreme times he extremely beat Matt and Jeff. Touche.
Speaking of extreme. What about the extreme elimination chamber match . It will now feature Pods! No not Ipods but little bubbles holding weapons I think. I'm not sure of this because the manner in which they describe it is so extreme, by which I mean vague, that I think the end result will be the end of a 3 stooges bit only with chainsaws. I'm sure one of the pods will have the most extreme item of all Kain's unrated DVD version of See no evil with the original title "Eye Scream Man!" title.
At Survivor Series, King Book-ka was unceremoniously dumped from his throne by the brute Batista. The Smackdown kingdom is now in shambles. You can see Kennedy being buried alive by the Undertaker and the Bogey Man stuffing dead worms down the Miz's face. Ok that's a good thing. So now Batista is champ, let's just hope this run lasts longer than his run on "Smallville" where he was incinerated by the Martian Manhunter after about 10 minutes of screen time. You know I hope the same thing happens this Friday actually.
In TNA, Sting is no longer champ, because he ignored the 4 week old get DQ- lose the belt rule in his match with the bottomless Abyss. To become champ, the Byss got slammed through a barbed wire table. Ouch. He sold it like he was being fried up KFC style.
Soma Joe's win streak is over. Was he tasered like Goldberg. Nope, he tapped like drum to the Anglelock at the ppv. Joe now has to look out for Angle's back if he's going to get rematch. Prepare for a lot of in ring stare downs.
LAX was stripped of the tag titles for burning one too many American flags. The Road Dog and Billy Gun are now calling themselves the Voodoo Kin Mafia? Yup, don't know either.
TNA's been on a operatic roll, as seen in these highlights. Highlight of Week What's John Cena been up to? He's now fighting the subway guy. Look for him to feed food to Umaga until he explodes.
To anyone who is reading this, please tell my loved ones that I did truly love them. The circumstances to my downfall are quite simple to explain, but I hope my report will not be vain. I have brave through the death valley of Killforst, trekked through the swamps of Mudgroth and escaped the Mines of Beavoria to tell you, my dear reader, that this week's WWE offering was utter donkey crap. After watching this drivel for the past two weeks my head exploded. Let my loss of life and brains be fair warning to stop watching the WWE. Now what follows has been fair warned.
Reasons to stop watching WWE
John Cena vs Kevin Federline - The champ with the spinny belt gets all David Arquette on us by fighting C list celebrity rejects. This will lead to the great Umaga feud. By great I mean in a sense that if you let go of a giant turd while taking a dump, you stand back and admire your handiwork.
Old Man Squad - I don't need to see Ric Flair tag with anyone comparable to his age. I did want to see Dusty Rhodes tag just for the fact that Dusty might get his ultimate revenge on his longtime horseman foe and eat him just before Flair wins a match or least suffocate him with his blubber. Divas fighting - particularly with Umaga. In fact let's not see anymore crazy samoans unless they speak the queen's english. MVP's Tights - Yup JBL is right - he's walking Bud Light Can.
DX - I think it's to the point that writers have developed a DX story machine that spits out their hijinks for week. This week have DX enjoy watching fat male stripper dance.
Dick Johnson - Ever wonder who are the WWE writers? Look no further than this guy's crack. Anybody tried to vote for CyberSunday??? The results seemed to be a bit unfounded for me. I wanted to vote for the spinny belt only to have a popup tell me "No douche! Vote for King Booker He's CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!! and the smackdown kingdom...and it will fit the federline interference angle smoothly. Seriously, Dick just thought it up!!! The idea is killer!!!! Have him attack and challenge Cena, then Brittany can dump him, he'll have nothing left to lose. Then Dick can sit on his face before Dusty Rhodes eats him and we then electrify the remains at Halloween Havoc 2007!!!!
It's not all doom gloom for the WWE, the Rey Mysterio exit into vacationdom was a smooth transition, well about as smooth as crying "I quit" while hanging upside down, while Chavo Guerro hits you in the knee with a chair can be. Chavo's feud with Benoit should prove to be entertaining.
What the heck is an extreme elimination chamber. I know what a elimination chamber is...A couple of guys standing around doing nothing while two guys wrestle for 40 mintues. This time RVD, Big Show, Sabu will stand around and do zlitch with weapons while Test wrestles CM Punk.
With the King getting fired for the 29th time, JR gets more comfortable with Crime Tyme. JR: "Can I offer you fellas some barbecue sauce!!"
JBL line of the week - From the Undertaker/Kane vs. MVP/Mr. Kennedy match. Paraphrasing here but, "The brothers of destruction (Kane and Taker) took out DDP and Canyon! That is a debt wrestling can not repay." Way to get DDP over. Hacksaw Jim Duggan "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! OH YEAH!! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
In a complete reversal of fortune, TNA never looked better, the only drawback is Sting finding religion. Which is silly for a guy who used to dress as the crow. Introducing tatankasting 2.0
AJ Styles ended the X-Division reign of Chris Saban last week. Saban's reign lasted a bit longer than a blink. Saban should feel good though because we all are just transitional champs.
This just in Somoa Joe still does not Kurt Angle. Why? Ummmmmmmm. Got me.
Christian's feuding wtih Rhyno, he's feuding with Sting, he's feuding with Abyss, he's feuding with my cable guy, he's feuding with his videogame version in RAW vs. Smackdown on Playstation. The guy is very busy these days.
Highlight of the Week
Speaking of RAW vs Smackdown this piece of youtube is an actual storyline from the new game hitting stores shelves soon.
This video can pretty much sum up Bound for Glory last Sunday. Here's the Skinny: Eric Young got his job back, Joe won the Monster Mash and doesn't like Olympic heroes very much. LAX won the cock fight by showing off that spanish mean streak all over The Fallen Styles Angel. Any match involving a cage, forks and a being choked out by Konan with a wire hanger is worth at least 5 of the 30 dollars for the ppv. The rest of the 25 should go to the Kevin Nash invitational X-Division tour, which feature B-List wrestlers and probably a couple of hookers for good measure. Ryhno lost his 8-mile match due to the fact that 26 consecutive chair shots hurt!
The story of the night though was the main event between Jeff Jarrett and the new incarnation of Sting. Sting 5.0 is a combo and a coke of venice beach sting and the crowish Sting we have come to know and yawn at for the past couple of years. Jarrett dropped the belt in what was the greatest transitional title reign of all time.
He took the loss well.
Jarrett title reign bullet points: - Wins title from Chiristian Cage in four man free fall - Samoa Joe steals belt. - Samoa Joe won't give back belt. - No one can convice Joe to give belt back: not Tenay or Jeremery "collar" Borash - Get Sting to agree to title vs career match. - Still can't get belt back from Joe - Joe named 90% champion cause possession is 9/10th of the law - Bring in Kurt Angle to disagree with Joe - On the day before ppv steal belt back by distracting Joe with sandwich. - Face Sting. - Tap Tap Tap.
Highlight of the Week - Sting no selling the Jarrett's guitar shot. Sting spent the last two months hitting himself with guitars...well scouted.
Celebrity status doesn't get you much these days. Kevin Ferderline just wanted to push a rap album in front of a world wide basic cable audience. That rap album though may not do so well if your pontential audience boos you unmercifully at the sight of you. Everybody's a playa hater. Of course, and being associated with a guy called Johnny Nitro is also not something to be proud of.
Mr. Spears though would attempt to reclaim the fans. He knows his wrestling and the hardcore wrestling fan would have stood and applauded if you make fun of John Cena. No one told him though that this trick only works in New York City and Philly. Too bad this was LA. A bad rap by John Cena later and your being carried away by referees. Good luck with that album.
The Cryme Tyme made there in ring debut this week against the spirit squad. No impressive wrestling, but the Squad did break up at the end of the match with Kenny yelling about how they were losers. Losing will do that.
Cryme Tyme then went on to steal King Booker's dowry. Book who claimed he could not speak ebonics was flustered by the roguish charm of Cryme Tyme. They then stole his wallet and King Book's royal accent. The real Booker T then emerged from the under the crown and threaten to get all those suckaaaaaaassssss!!!! McMahon made the announcement that at the champion of champions match, the fans would vote on whose title would be on line. Meaning the spinny belt would get put up since no knows what to call Booker's belt (WCW belt?) and the Big Show's belt was sold on ebay by Rhyno a couple of months back and he is apparently is now into bowling. Instead of the boring WWE ppv coming, TNA may have a good one this Sunday dubbed Bound for Glory. Whether anyone gets any glory out of this remains to be seen.
Chris Jericho explains
When did Fozzy start playing Creed Rock? X-Division Title - Senshi vs Chris Saban - So what's left of the X-Division, by this match not much. Senshi has stomped his way into champ status by stepping over the competition, literally he steps on them from the top rope. Winner: Saban by wearing "Don't tread on me" Mat taped to his chest.
Detroit 8 Mile Match - Rhyno vs Christian Cage - Apparently Detroit is not big enough for the both of them. Winner: Cage - Rhyno and Cage start off in insult rap war, decide to call it even and go to the Tigers world series game. In the seven inning stretch, Cage hits him with the unprettier when they are displayed in I love you heart graphic on the scoreboard.
NWA Tag Titles - 6 Sides of Steel - LAX vs Daniels and Styles - Viva La Mexico, viva la moody jack, viva La Gail Kim being launched into orbit by LAX's resident big guy wrestler. This steel cage match will feature 6 sides not 4 sides of steel, meaning it will look like a Mexican cock fight only with real Mexicans. Winner: Styles and Daniels because Gail Kim finally crash lands on Homicide.
Raven's Clockwork Orange Man Monster's Ball funhouse and barbecue street fight match with weapons - Raven, Samoa Joe, Abyss, Brother Runt - Guest enforcer - Jake the Snake Roberts - Just in time for Halloween! All the scary man monsters TNA can rustle up are in one match to decide whose the craziest man monster in the organization. Winner - Samoa Joe - Jake the Snake uses the damien to eat brother runt (Spike Dudley). This completly freaks Abyss out cause all man monsters are afraid of snakes and he runs out of the arena. Raven in trying to pull Runt out of Damien's mouth is finished off by Joe who didn't even take off his clubbing shirt.
NWA World Title Match - Sting vs. Jarrett. Special Ref Kurt "It's Real". The loser loses something. If its Jarrett its the belt, if it's Sting then its the career. Winner Jarrett - After pinning Sting to end what has been a pretty no show career in TNA. Angle puts them all in a Angle lock to end the show. He yells "Yeah, It's True, It's damn True!!!" WWE lawyers repel in from the ceiling and hand copyright infringement charges to a befuddled Mike Tenay, who wore his one and only good tux for this ppv.
Highlight of the Week - The return of "Screaming" Norman Smiley. Yes , Smiley returned to his screaming ways by wearing a football helmet and pads against Christian Cage on Impact this week. After taking a chair shot to the helmet for no effect he was stripped of his gear for the loss.
Losing makes strange bedfellows. Say you just finished up your title run, the highlight of your career, and have the strange misfortune of fighting the guy with a marine movie. Chances are you are getting your faced smashed in by the ever brutal steel cage door. Which not only closes the door on this god knows 8 year feud, but also ends your title shot main eventing status.
What do you do for encore? Team up with a heel in a similar spot and go after the real main eventers of the company cause fighting for belts is now so passe. Particularly, if the guy with spinny belt has a Marine movie.
Edge was faced with this unidealic scenario and prompted to team up with Randy Orton to take out DX, cause the McMahon's have had no luck at this endeavor lately. These two do share history as Edge was met with the broad side of a steel cage door cause of HBK and Orton, well he got deep sixed by HHH long ago into a life of fighting for Hogan and trying to ravish his daughter. So storyline plot moves off into the negative zone on one front.
Since fighting for titles is so 1990's now, McMahon has declared that at the WWE next ppv - cyber sunday- that all three transitional champions (aren't we all) will face each other in a 3 way contest of champions. Marvel Comics pioneered this trend in the 1980's with secret wars. Here McMahon goes all beyonder like and vanishes John Cena, marine movie and all, extremist Big Show, and King Booker to a barren planet to fight for their supper. Hopefully someone drops a mountain on them like they did on the marvel heroes in that book.
Of course the person to drop the mountain should be Kane who was sentenced to barren planet Kane for losing to Umaga. Good thing he took the Highlanders out with him cause that stick's ship has sailed.
Flair had some help fighting the sucky spirit squad member by not only calling in past horseman but also members of MONEY INC. - Ted Diabese and I.R.S. aka Irwin R Schiester aka The Captain. The Million Dollar Man's account would audit the Spirit Squad out of the ring. Roll a phatty for TNA as Impact was able score a 9pm time slot on Spike TV and most importantly score the Kurt Angle TV slot as well. Things are looking exitcing for Jarrett and company.
Ok so maybe not balls to wall exicting. Also AJ Styles had some passport problems in Mexico
Highlight of the Week In this case it was more like lowlight of the week. ECW actually spilt screened its matches this week from time to time to show the Diva strip poker contest. Now I don't mind looking at women strip, but I don't need my attention from it cut away by a Kevin Thorne vs Tommy Dreamer matchup. After watching 2 seconds of low card (it wasn't even a poker game) and watching Balls Mahoney get a stiffy that's all anyone could stand.
Sometime Sunday night I felt a disturbance in the surreal ether of wrestle crap. Something had upset the natural forces of things. In the voice of Dave Bowman from 2010 something had happened "Something WONDERFUL!!!" For you see, this past Sunday, at the Unforgiven pay per watch, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, owner of the world's largest wrestling company had his face shoved up a 7 foot tall, 300 lb man's ass.
Then suddenly it dawned on me. As I knew why this event took place. This wasn't just a cheap stunt to score more repeat business to top UFC or TNA. No!!!! The ass shot heard round the world was a culmination of every single angle wrestling has run through the past ten years.
Trish retiring, JR getting burned, Nathan Jones, The Alliance, the Helmsey/McMahon era, the NWO, Miz, King Booker, RVD drinking and driving, Brian Pillman dying, Stone Cold beating up Booker in a supermarket, the Conquistadores, Spike TV, Kane losing to Kane from 10 years ago, the Zodiac, the Macho King, the Bret Hart screw job, Cryme Tyme, the Big Show being dragged away on his father grave, Eddie Guerro dying, the Highlanders vs. Sprirt Squad, WCW War Games, the Oinkettes, the Masterpiece looking not so Masterpiecish anymore, Halloween Havoc, Team Angle's velor suits, ECW by way WWE, the Zombie, Katie Vick, Bees and Man Law!! It all makes sense now. It was all leadup for this moment.
This revelation took place inside a Heck in a Cell, in which, the McMahon team of Shane and Vince flanked by honorary McMahon ECW champion Big Show looked to end the pranking days of the reunited DX team of HHH and HBK sans China.
The McMahons had a right to be angry. DX wrecked their plane and spray painted their headquarters. They responded by handing the DX'ers beat downs by a list of superstars and extrememists. Hell in the Cell was the culmination of this feud. One team was going in and the other was getting strechered out, but of course....
DX is not getting strechered out.
So the McMahons were left to take the big bumps inside a new Hell in the Cell structure. Bigger, badder and more unforgiving. The events that took place inside this deadly structure should not be relayed to virgin ears. The events are that deadly....and stinky...oh yeah stinky is a good word to describe this.
When the match began DX realized they were in for fight. Knowing they had to take the Big Show down first they immediately began to work over this testicles. Like Flair setting up the leg for the figure four, DX kicked the Big Show in the balls repeatedly until the chances of Show producing encores were slim.
The brutality on the Big Show would come to a close when HBK nailed him with a super kick. The ECW champ had just been nailed by a chair to the head while resting on the steel steps, so the top rope looked like a comfy place to rest his tired head. Vince being the only member of Team About to Lose left, stood in front of DX, using whatever strength he had left to motion to DX to bring it on like Neo from the Matrix. This just made DX dance!
Looking at the Big Show they dropped his extreme tights and displayed the extreme backside of the extreme champ. DX then took the beleaguered billionaire and then drove him face first into the ass romp of the Big Show. Turning and tearing through that grand canyon, Vince's soul warped through the star gate and came out on the other side as the star child. Too bad what was left of his brain and body did not make the trip.
Recoiling from his trip down Big Show ass lane, Vince stood up and then was levelved by sweet chin music. With Shane doing his best impression of a corpse and the Big Show pantless, Vince went down to his knees. The end was coming, he just needed someone to deliver the blow of sweet release. An obliging son-in-law, HHH went outside and brought back a sledgehammer. Sizing Vince up like Tiger Woods to a golf ball, HHH smashed the owner's head in like it was a watermelon at Gallagher show.
Thus, it was over. DX had won. Vince and Shane were dead. The Big Show was pantless. DX did their customary dance and let the paramedic do what he does best..... pick up the shatter pieces of the McMahons and the Big Show's pride. Good job Team McMahon, your contribution to wrestling will not be forgotten. And oh yeah....John Cena is the the new WWE champ. He was also boo'ed the whole time. I guess that's how baby faces get over these days.
Well after a week of no updating, I have returned to the blog to bring you some more silly developments in the world of non-collegiate pro wrestling.
I'm not the only one returning this week, the WWE came back to Madison Square Garden, the birthplace of big arena wrestling, to present this week's RAW and ECW shows.
Now I usually take a cynical position on these things, but to prove that I believe what I am saying, I am hooking myself up to the Lie Dect-a-tron 4000, in order to give you the straight lowdown, which is about as interesting as watching Jeff Hardy watch paint dry. After bringing in lie detecting consult Eric Young, whose on the level, I should pass this thing easily.
One week before the Unforgiven PPV and the exciting storylines of DX vs.the McMahons and John Cena/Edge have hit a outstanding high point crescendo.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Lie. The feuds are now as exciting as a Koko B Ware match inside War Games. Which come to think of it is pretty cool when you think about it.
RAW started out with the human punching bag Ric Flair, taking some well deserved bows for styling and profiling since the dinosaurs. This cued Umaga's Cuban manager to HA HA his boy into another match with Flair. Of course, this turned into the WWE's version of "Stomp" with Flair taking the place of the stage and the garbage cans.
Before Umaga could utter any more fake man-monster nah's and ugh's, classic man-monster Kane arrived to deal out some punishment. After trading blows with a seating device, Umaga stood victorious and also had the ability to sit down if he liked.
This sets up gimmick match #1 for Unforgiven. Kane vs Umaga in right to be called "monster" match. The winner gets to be called monster and make straight to DVD films for the Sci-Fi channel until their monster title is stripped. Exciting.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Lie The DX/McMahon feud will hopefully, for the love of god, end this Sunday. Vince boasted of his legacy at MSG pointing out how his spot on the walk of fame has dividers because "No one walks on Vincent Kennedy McMahon", not even his son-in-law- HHH.
90 minutes later HHH is beaten to a pulp by the aid of the rest of the locker room and Vinnie Mac salutes the sales of his new DVD.
This sets up gimmick match #2 - The McMahons and honorary McMahon - The Big Show face DX in a hell in the cell match. The Big Show will likely take the high bump by falling into a truck of manure.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Truth! By the looks on Edge face, he must still be feuding with John Cena. Yes, his anguish is my anguish as the never ending struggle between the R-rated superstar and the Marine continues. This week they were part of a 3-man tag match which wasn't very interesting unless you like to watch Jeff Hardy get beat up.
Gimmick Match #3 - Cena vs Edge - tables, ladders and chairs! If Cena loses he goes to Smackdown. So prepare to watch the Marine, fight the Vito in a dress and have Michael Cole, as Edge puts it, continue his man-crush.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Truth! He will most likely fight the leprechaun.
Nice to see Chris Masters is back and looking as masterpiecish as ever. Dect-a-tron 4000: Big time Lie! Trish Status had her last match on RAW, as she wrestled Nicki James in a classic contest. Dect-a-tron 4000: Truth!
She will be missed after Unforgiven, setting up gimmick match #4 - Trish wins - she quits - Trish loses - she quits - win- win for the fans
Dect-a-tron 4000: explodes. Looks like Eric Young guidance has failed me and my lie detector test machine. At least I don't share the fate of Jeff Jarrett who was informed last week that as a result of his lie detector failure he must get whipped by the fans and killed by Samoa Joe. That will show him for not booking more Norman Smiley!
On a side note, loving the Cryme Tyme!
Highlight of the Week - Paul Heyman admitting that he had to turn ECW into a sellout shill of its former self in order to book a show at the Garden. Let's hear it for vampires, helmeted goons, fired teachers, the reject, and Test matches!
The WWE this week bid a do to probably the greatest technical wrestler of all time, releasing Kurt Angle from his contract. Apparently, wrestling in the Olympics with a broken freaking neck and then making a living out of falling on your neck for 8 or so years does have an effect no matter how many surgeries you have had by a doctor named Chief Wahoo.
Angle was let go for health reasons, but remember no one ever retires from wrestling and the WWE is leaving the door open. So Jeff Jarrett can save some money on the Fed-EX envelope now and put off Kurt Angle's TNA hiring, title belt reign, loss to Jarrett and public execution by Jarrett's firing squad. Angle was the best of the modern wrestlers, no matter how many title squatch matches HHH has been involved in. He also had range playing from very silly to scary wrestling machine on a drop of a dime. There was no move that Angle didn't bust out, from leg locks to Angle saws. He made Brock Lesner highlight material, enough said.
If I had my say, I would make Angle a manager and bring back a new version of Team Angle, similar to what Shane Douglass is doing on TNA with the Naturals, but that's perfect world stuff.
Another ex-champion that will be taking a powder after Unforgiven is Trish Status. She puts the knockers in the can after years of being the women's champ and the women's champ #1 contender. In a division with like 2 wrestlers, you can see how Trish was always on top of her game in that regard. Next on the departure list, we have WWE Smackdown. Smackdown will be pulling up the tents and heading on over to the UPN-WB lovefest matchup known as the "CW". Finally, Smallville, Vericona Mars and Gilmore Girls on the same channel.
To bad I'll be watching Ugly Betty on ABC. OK maybe not.
Smackdown will be have a new cooler hipper feel to it. Holla Holla as the GM Teddy says. So let's see what we can expect on the new Smackdown. King Booker's Royal Court will bring back the Sexy Book's court is in serious need of the sexy that Justin Timberlake boasts that he's bringing back. Regal, Finley and the leprechaun were knighted last week, so you can now call them Sir Regal, Sir Finley and Sir Leprechaun. But the scandal will destroy the court, as Dave Batista goes undercover as a bar wench to woo the mighty king, creating a rift between Book, Mrs. Queen and Sir Leprechaun.
Vicki Guerreo = More Vicki Guerreo matches It was all hugs and kisses for Vicki until she nailed Rey Mysterio with the 4 point swerve with a folding chair, beating him up cause he was getting beat up by Chavo. Huh? The new CW storyline, an army of undead Guerreos join Vicki and Chavo to beat up Rey some more.
Congrats! You will now have Miz matches and say hello to Jimmy Wang, MVP and Terkay the Dinosaur Hunter CW means new talent even though the letters don't really stand for that? What do they stand for? Which is why Smackdown needs the hyper annoying Miz for the young people, Jimmy Wang for the Chinese rednecks, Terkay to mat wrestle T-Rexes, and MVP to continue his storyline of contract negotiation. Meaning weekly promos of him talking to his agent via cellphone. Heck would you want to wrestle Vito when he's got his dress fluttering in the wind? Also the return of the Boogey Man! Scooby Squad Tag Teams Veronica Mars works with her friends like a Scooby Squad, busting up mysteries. So for the CW we got new tag teams getting to the bottom of some Nancy Drew like mysteries. This week Paul London and Brian Kendrick discovered that K.C. James was actually cloned from the D.N.A cells of Midnight Express' Beautiful Bobby and Stunning Stan Lane. London and Kendrick destroy the lab before the Demolition clone comes to life.
Superpowered Wrestlers Geogory Helms will begin to defend the cruiser weight belt against non cruiser weights by developing the superpowers he once never had as the Hurricane. If only he could tell the woman he loved before he leaves to metropolis. Matt Hardy loses all his hair and swears revenge! On RAW, it looks like it's gimmick matches away with Edge and Cena going after one another in a table, ladders and chairs match. Vince, Shane and the Big Show vs. DX (again) in a hell in the cell. Johnny Nitro and Melena held a press conference to explain why they swerved Mick Foley or announce why Batista harassed her again. It was hard to tell.
On TNA it will be title vs career as Jarrett escorted his own private firing squad armed with machine guns to the ring. They kind of looked like helmeted cops from ECW didn't they! A fan threw a bottle at him and Jarrett responded by having him and family thrown off Planet Jarrett. I wished I had made that up but he actually said Planet Jarrett. I think it orbits Planet Hulk!!! Jarrett commented the he would put Sting in noose and watch him and his career die a slow death. Which I think is the cue for the firing squad to fire. Jim Cornette interrupted the proceedings by speakerphone. He commented on how great satellite feeds were and announced that Jarrett must take a polygraph test to uncover the depth of his mismanagement at TNA. If he failed the tennis racketed one will make his life a living hell. Speaking of hell, Brother Runt (Spike Dudley) found a new version of it losing a 1,000 tac match to Abyss. After the match, Raven followed up with more punishment on Spike because as the TNA website put it "James Mitchell (Abyss' manager) was telepathically controlling Runt's mind!" Now that's CW network worthy!! Highlight of the Week With the departure of Kurt Angle we salute the Velour Team Angle jumpsuit, possibly the greatest ring attire in wrestling history.
Ah, another week, another pay per view. This would be the third week in a row that a wrestling ppv has unfortunately graced television and satellite packages around the country. Starting off with WWE's Survivor Series to the ECW's December to Disremember (any knowledge of) to this week's TNA's Turning Point. Show me the individual that bought all three of these, and I would like to take a tour of his gold house and get a glimpse of his pimped out rocket car!
Abyss though is undefeated as the champ and this time he picked up the win in non DQ style against Christian Cage and the Man called Sttttiiiiinnng. With Cage showing off how good his waist would look with a belt hanging off of it. The Abysseer' black holed slam Sting into the Alpha Centarui star system. The reverb took Cage out of the match and gave Abyss the win and the time to take the tacks out of his back.
In the celebrity fight club portion of the ppv, Chicago White Sox star AJ Pierzynski came to blows with St. Louis Cardinals' all around little guy David Eckstein, about the comments the world series MVP made in his new book "Have Heart". White Sox strength and conditioning coach Dale Torborg would grab the book and start ripping out the pages, screaming THIS IS NOT QUALITY LITERATURE!!! Thus beginning what may be one of strangest pier six brawls not to take place on a baseball diamond. Truly a black eye and peas for baseball, which gets a thumbs up from me.
