Goldage

When we last left Kurt Angle, our Olympic hero, he was a broken man. His wife wanted a divorce, his shirt and tie were undone, Samoa Joe was beating the heck out of him and he was balling like a 1 year old. He certainly didn't have his "A" game on. That streak of miserable luck came to an end at the "Hard Justice" PPV, where Kurt went on to defeat Samoa Joe to obtain not just one title but all of the gold in TNA.

The rig was in, as Kurt's wife revealed that she's was in cohoots with the Olympic hero from the start, giving Angle an advantage in the squared octagon (its TNA) and in the divorce court. Angle now holds every belt in TNA, gold, leather or otherwise. Which sucks for him cause now he has to defend them all against a bunch of people at the next TNA ppv - No Surrender.

Pacman Jones has assembled a team to do his dirty work in TNA. Consisting of Ron Killings, they are pretty much feuding with everything they see in front of them mainly Eric Young.

Vince is still looking for his son in the WWE programming block. He did a funny skit where the Boogie Man sang "Cats in the cradle" much to the disgust of Vince. No joke on Vince's detective work he's narrowed it down to some guy.

Sorry for the quick post this week, but I leave you with the

Highlight of the Week

TNA iMPACT!: Kurt Angle Action Short

Posted Aug 08, 2007

Can Kurt Angle take on the henchmen of his nemesis?

Kurt Angle - Movie star!!!

Much Youtubery?

Whole lot of antics occured this week in wrestling, McMahon returns, Teddy Long getting fake married, Angle crying, while the cruiser weight champion Leprechaun throws cream pies around. So let's start from the top and usher in the boss. Begin POWER WALK!!!

Vince now back from dead returned to put RAW in order. He talked about being sued by the government (for dog fighting - Hacksaw Jim Duggan wrestling anyone), the love of his family, and the Coach having to get another position cause - we gonna have ourselves a battle royale with cheese for his job!! Now any no name can be GM of RAW. My money was on Umanga.

Umanga as GM
Assistant: Mr. Manga can you schedule next week's card
Umanga: Maaaaahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahhaha Gaajajaj
Assistant: Yes I see. What type of coffee do you want?
Umanga: Mahahahahahhahahahahahhaha GAfafajajajajja..cinammon.
Assistant: Excellent.


This nightmare though never came to pass as a shoe-less Steven Regal won the job by saving us from general manager - The Sandman. Fpppth...That was a close one.

McMahon's night was not over as he was given some distressing news from The Coach.

I hope the kid is like 5, wears a McMahon wig, a suit, yells for ice cream and power walks.

Teddy Long had a much happier time on Smackdown as he announced he was trading marriage vows with Crystal for a honeymoon to be named later. Heck, he is the GM, he can do that stuff. The Great Khali broke up Teddylicious'"they just call him that?" announcement by saying: "Mahahahfhahfhafh ggahhahahahfhah Batista mafhafhafhafahhaha". Can't any of these Man Monsters speak English these days. This gibberish on babelfish translated to: me angry at Batista for wrecking my Punjabi dance party me want wrestle. End result - knock yourself out and knockout Ric Flair this week to boot.

In case you missed it, Hornswoggle - Fit Finley's leprechaun is the cruiser weight champ. Yup, Yup, Yup, Yup. He hit Jamie Noble with a cream pie. Of course no one believes Jamie cause who believes in Leprechauns.


On TNA, Angle is on top of his game while his world comes crashing down around him. He's got the TNA world championship belt, the Japanese IWGP Championship belt, and he's wearing $5,000 suits (Flairnomics, of course). Angle, though, is a wreck. He's got a championship match for all the gold in TNA as he will fight Samoa Joe for the world tag belts and the X-Division belt (short story - these two guys have all the gold)and now his wife is leaving Angle. The divorce came on national TV and rocked the world champ as he cried all over the arena. His shirt was untucked, he was blubbering about losing his kids, and even hugged smuck announcer Jeremy Borasch.

This week Angle went to of all people Kevin Nash for help. Nash was the only one that understood the complex needs of our Olympic hero. This is definitely rock bottom. Joe announced he had a special guest to introduce in the ring. When Borasch informed Nash who it was, Nash said "Oh, he did not need this!". All this while, while Angle was crying on the couch.

In the ring, Joe introduced his guest being of course- Angle's wife. Angle looking like a hobo with two title belts went to the ring and begged and cried to keep his marriage together. Let's see how it went:


Christian Cage learned this week, that he will have to wrestle in a...get ready for it...DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD MATCH against Abyss. I think a guillotine is involved some how. Jim Cornette commented to Cage that if Christian ran from one end of the ring to other he would look like shredded wheat!

Highlight of the Week-

Santino?? Why you know speak in your regular broken Italian accent!

Carted Away

A trend transpired on RAW this week as lots of people were getting carted away. Usually, this trend is to demonstrate the dominance of your opponent and propel his rise on the pop-o-meter 3000. Going beyond squishing or staring at the lights, being carted away has its own type of demeaning value that screams: I suck, why are you watching, or don't cry for me- for I am already dead.

Or in the case of Bobby Lashley, I'm going to take a few months off. Go figure, gravity had to catch up to his arms sometime. This tragedy started when Mr.................................Kenneee....aw screw it, fought the roid machine. Lashley went through his regular array of power slams and fox trots, but Kennedy realizing his pop was fading faster than his money in the bank status, went to work on Lashley's shoulder. Then the match just ended. A win for Kennedy with Lashely crying like he was hit by semi.

Take him away boys.

In case you were wondering if we live in a free society, The King "Jerry Lawler" fought The King "Booker" in a "I'm the King around here Match" officiated by the Burger King. The two monarches of the squared circle fought to a no decision. This leaves the door open for king fest at this year's Summerslam featuring Booker, Lawler, Harley Race, the Macho King, King of Kings HHH and the Lord of the Rings - Sauron.

John Cena is in full twiddling thumbs mode after beating Lashley and being informed that he would have to fight Randy Orton at Summerslam. Bored, he decided to take an early vacation, chill out on a lounge chair and challenge Carlito. Though he didn't win due to inteference from Orton, Cena felt refreshed after having chewed apple spit into face by the kid with the fro from "The Boondocks". That' ain't Gangsta!

Speaking of Orton, he produced carted celebrity number two in the form of Sgt. Slaughter. Seems a good old to kick to the head of old Sarge was enough to send fellow GI Joe member First Aid to the ring to take him away.

Save me Maggot!

Highlight of the Week: It was love....indian style for the Great Khali and he showed his newly kept world heavyweight championship with a full Bollywood movie dance party. (Please notice the non-Indian blond lady in the left hand corner of the picture). Bollywood movies are know for their high degree of craft and professionalism like so:


The party would be spoiled by film hater Batista "The Animal", who scared away the dancers with a snarl and then took out Khali with a spear. He then went into a full on dance number, singing how he was the top animal in the pack as dancers on ropes converged into the ring in animal garb.

The Game Resumes

As the WWE is quick to inform us, HHH "The Game" will be returning to the ring at Summer Slam in August. This is highlighted by this overdone production of surgery and weightlifting shown below.


Of course, It could have gone further!!!

Gag Order

I have returned to the scene of the crime. After months of taking it all in, I have returned to post about the craziness of pro wrestling. Commence the shake and break! (More on that in a moment).

The biggest story to unravel in my absence is of course Johnny Nitro becoming the ECW champ. Oh wait, according to my national news pop story-o-tron 3000 it's the Chris Benoit incident. It rated next to Paris Hilton goes to jail. Yay, new level for pro wrestling in the national news.

In case you have been living inside of Benoit's crossface, you are not aware that the former WWE champ and to this world committed the wholesale elimination of his family. This of course was during the weekend of a pay-per-view which Benoit should have attended so that I did not have to see Johnny Nitro become the champ of anything.

The media handled this one like the grade A organization they claim to be using their reporting clout to give me the facts, figures and pie charts, I needed to stay on top of this breaking story. Facts as Benoit being the "Canadian Strangler" rather than the "Canadian Crippler" were highlighted. Can't anything good come out of Canada.


Oh wait there's John Candy.

The positives of the coverage, if any, is that it brought to light the fact that wrestlers are a roided up lot. If this never happened, the WWE writers may have come up with a story that took advantage of a roided, crazy, Benoit. To save them the trouble Marvel comics already did...introducing:

WORLD WAR BENOIT!

Thankfully the Benoit mess ended another putrid storyline flowing through the WWE's diseased veins and that is:


The Vince goes boom storyline

Apparently after suffering through Vince appreciation night where everyone crapped on him (how do you do that to your boss). Vince went to his limo and it exploded. This charade lasted 2 weeks with fake police investigations and all:

Cop: Did you do it Lashley? you had the motive and the tiny shorty shorts to do it?
Lashley: no?
Cop: I'll move on then...is that a donut? Hmmm...tastes like a energy drink.

WWE dropped the story and Vince rose from the ashes like Jesus to no explanation at all.

So does the WWE have a roid issue?

Lashley doesn't think so! Ummm right?

On TNA, Kurt Angle is now the champ with multiple belts with the TNA championship and a Japanese heavyweight belt. Adopting a more nature boy style, Angle now wears the nice threads, shades and does allot of wooooing. He has adopted the term "Shake and Break" to his opponents, who mainly consist of a angry Samoan.

Before Shake

After Break! Oh my!

Direct Deposit

Money in the Bank Ladder Match featuring Edge, The Hardy Boys, Finley, King Boooookaaa, CM Punk, Randy Orton and Mr. Kennedy

It wouldn't be Wrestlemania, if Home Depot did get some free product placement, now wouldn't it. The Money in the Bank Ladder Match (whew long title) has now become annual tradition at Wrestlemania. Kind of like Lemmings falling off a cliff, these 8 second tier wonders will climb the ladder of success to grab a No.1 contender's contract and find out why gravity is such an important component to the physics of Earth.

This twist this year was that the combatants had to qualify for this match by defeating someone...er.....anyone. Save the drama, cause they stretched these qualifiers out for like two months or so, with the same guys losing and regaining their spot over and over again.

Edge is the favorite because he has never lost at Wrestlemania and he gets the most mike time. Seriously, Kennedy can't even finish saying his name before Edge says that enough. Jeff Hardy will be playing the roll of extreme crash test dummy, while Matt can wonder how in the heck does he still he even gets these shots. CM Punk's prize is that he doesn't have to look like a 1920's gangster this year dancing next to John Cena. King Boookkaaaa is my favorite cause not only does he give off a regal presence but what other king has had to slay dragons on promotional posters. Finley (insert leprechaun joke here). Randy Orton will probably have to figure out to climb large ladders and proceed to fall off them quickly.

Winner: Randy Orton - After several high spots and dramatic ooooos and ahhhs from the fans, Mr. Kennedy has had enough. He calls for his microphone, which is lowered down into the ring. Kennedy grabs it and yells Keeeeeeennnnnnnedy!!! The mike then retracts pulling him near the money in the bank brief case. What the other wrestlers don't realize is that there is a bomb in there. Keeeneeedy half assed attempts to grab the case pulls it half open, setting off the bomb. The only thing left of Kennedy is his hand on the retractable microphone, which still reverberate the line Keeeeneeeedyyyy. Orton who was sexually harassing a diva at the the time has the smarts to re-enter the ring and pick up what remains of the case.

Tomorrow: HBK and John Cena fight over who gets to be in the Marine 2.

Undertaken

With Wrestlemania around the corner, I thought I drop in with an atomic elbow drop from the top rope. These will be short and sweet this week so let's get to the festivities:

World Heavyweight Championship - Batista a.k.a the Animal vs. The Undertaker a.k.a dead and loving it!

The storyline of this match is obviously the fact the Undertaker has not lost at Wrestlemania... well ever. His win record at this overhyped ppv is 456-0. That's not dominance that's slaughter by way close lines, big boots, choke slams, that funny stretchy submit move which didn't catch on, last rides and tombstones. The guy doesn't even get DQ. Of course, I'm not sure that can happen since most of the those matches ended up with the monster of the week being buried alive in some form or another.

So what can Batista do to keep the title that smells of Ric Flair sweat? I suggest go into the ring, stare down the Undertaker's dead cold eyes, wait for the bell to ring, and go outside and tell Lillian Garcia, the ring announcer, to swing a chair at him! Hopefully the Ref DQ's you and you stay on to guest star on Smallville as the big guy from the Phantom Zone or Rory's new boyfriend on Gilmore Girls. Wear flannel big guy!

Winner: The Undertaker - At Wrestlemania, Taker's squatch match powers are so great he summons his dark forces to open a portal into hell. The hole of the damn lies in center of the ring as Batista is tombstone into it. Before the weak and pudgy referee is sucked into it, the portal closes and he hands Taker the belt.

Tomorrow, I discuss the socio economic ramifications of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match.