Come Back Here!!!!!

Now that you’ve stuffed yourself with hamburgers and hotdogs in remembrance of veterans by barbecuing meat let’s look over the week that was in pro-televised wrestling. Highlights included a highly intellectual debate between Paul Heyman and Mick Foley over the direction of Extreme Wrestling, Booker T being officially crowned King, the firing of uber-america loving heel JBL and yes that was a midget in a leprechaun suit.

The Heyman and Foley exchange was the standout point from RAW. The two discussed what the extreme wrestling high marks were with Foley pointing to his match with Edge as being the gleaming light in the valley of darkness that is Hardcore. Of course no on mentioned light tube matches and staples guns so their points of reference were a bit off.

Heyman would go into full spoiler mode declaring that RVD would 1). Beat Cena for the title at One Night Stand, 2). Throw the title in the dumpster ala The Franchise Shane Douglass and 3). Christened the new ECW world title belt like it was a sailboat.

Mr. Paul E. Dangerously wasn't done there though. He had one more trick up his cordless phone. He announced that he would receive a draft pick for ECW from RAW and Smackdown. He gave away the RAW pick by saying it was RVD. He boasted though of how the Smackdown pick would represent the “new ECW”, and that he was here now!!! Oh the drama!

Out from the back comes hardcore legend and standup suplex machine Kurt Angle?????????. The Olympian storms into the ring and like a deer in headlights, Foley’s wrestling move set is reduced to zero as Angle (sporting a mouthpiece that read VIOLENCE) suplex him around the square circle. So now ECW has its new TAZ to represent the new ECW, which we hope will be like the old ECW.

Owner and part-time deity Vince McMahon, gave the other RAW announcement on the night. McMahon put to an end the search for a new general manager to replace the Bish and just named himself - Big guy in charge. The big guy does need help so the Coach will serve as his assistant in on camera booking and in being a sledgehammer magnet for HHH. We wish the Coach luck with the new title.

On Smackdown, JBL was furious that small man champ Rey Mysterio defeated him to retain the World Heavyweight belt. So much so, that he was baited into becoming the fighting man champ for the US belt by Rey. Rey in his first time gig as booker introduced Lashley, who torpedoed JBL out of his belt and pants.

JBL now doubly upset and belt and maybe pantless asked GM Teddy Long for a re-match with small man champ. Which was granted if JBL promised to quit if he lost. JBL not scared of the prospect of having to wrestle in TNA, took up the offer. The end result saw history repeating itself as Mysterio defeated the CNBC stock analyst sending him to unemployment line or god willing ECW. New Jack staple gun match here I come.

Now in case you were watching Smackdown or saw the above picture for today's post - Finley has his own Leprechaun now. After defeating the Paul Birchhill aka the Pirate guy, the little rascal comes from underneath the ring and starts pummeling on the Pirate's corpse. Finley pulls him off and throws him back under the ring. Then to commercial. Why? Explanations = 0.

On the TNA side- Prince of a very small hill round robin continued to see who would get into the King of the Mountain match. Monty Brown having returned from the Serengeti looking for more sport was matched against K-Quick. Quick attempted dance around the snarling Brown until Monty made the mistake of the missing the THE POUNCE and getting rolled up for the pin. Quick now joins Abyss and champ Christian in the King of the very big mountain match.

Highlight of the week: Steven Regal's coronation of King T. He has a scepter too.

All Hail King T

The WWE is hitting that after-wrestlemania low note that only they could provide as the spotlight feuds are missing a few beats. Okay they are also missing rhythm, jive, or any reason to watch.

This past Sunday’s Judgment Day ppv did have one high point. That point is that I get to write about KING BOOKER T! He is the five times, five times, five times, five times, five times WCW champion…and now he has a crown too.

Booker defeated Lashley to earn the coronation bid with some help from Queen Sharmell and Kingly Advisor Finlay. Being a man of action, King T decided his crowning should take place after the match, so that the people could adore and witness the beginning of his royal reign. Lashley being a sore loser in his coup attempt pulled off a Popeye by couldn’t standing what he couldn’t stand no more and speared his royal highness in his robe and crown right through his throne. King T would have unleashed his royal guard on the scalawag Lashley but was not conscious to do so.

JBL’s feud with the small man champ came to head as the main event for the ppv. JBL has become the great talking heel. He wears American Flag jackets that make him look like those knockoff Action Man toys you find at the dollar store, he talks about how he will make Rey’s son boot lick his expensive shoes, make his wife wear short Latino dresses and stiletto shoes (he likes those) while cooking his dinner and have Rey become a drug dealer. Nice guy, no?

JBL has also dispatched an army of BIG MAN (Mark Henry and the Great Khali) wrestlers to take out small man champ. Which they did. The beating Rey sustained had no effect as he won his title against the Great American Hero. To little fanfare, unless you’re Chavo Guerro who ran to the ring and pointed to the sky, where Eddie Guerro looked down and nodded and said “I’m bored”.

On the RAW side of things, the feuds are generating little interest for me, as the force-feeding of the Spirit Squad is getting tiresome. The main event saw HBK facing all five members of the Squad with HHH as backup who was looking to make amends for crushing Shane’s face with a sledgehammer for the big boss. So what amounted to a fight from Dragon Ball Z with HBK playing the part of Goku, saw him beating up five guys till he was hit by Kenny’s best leg drop in the business. HHH then came out with hammer in tow.

Kenny yelled at HHH to deliver the deathblow and then grabbed his hammer. Only those who are worthy can grab the hammer of Thor and HHH said to me my hammer and pedigreed the rest of the squad.

Looks like we got a main event for the ECW ppv. RVD cashed his money in the bank against Cena for the event cause he felt he is getting screwed over by the WWE. Well duh. So at One Night Stand you will have the benchmark for no wrestling all show knuckle shuffle versus the heavily popular icon who comes out to Pantera music. How will Cena be greeted at the Hammerstein Ballroom, with lots of love probably?

TNA last week also announced their version of King of Ring, with champ Christian Cage going in the King of the Mountain match. It’s a big mountain as Monty Brown, Jarrett, Sting, Abyss, Rhino, Raven, Scott Steiner and K Quick all want in the four-man match. Qualifier for the prince of the small hill started last week as Abyss earned his spot taking out Rhino.

Samoa Joe also explained why he turned his back on Sting in the last ppv by crushing someone. That’s as much explanation I needed. I would have also accepted cause I’m Samoa Joe.

See No Evil - The Critical Eye

See No Evil Review from Saturday's NY Daily News flim critic Elizabeth Weitzman. It was posted on Saturday cause it was hidden from the critics' critical eye for crap.

"It's harder to scare up sympathy for his victims, who exist solely to be destroyed. A group of attitudinal delinquents, these future fatalities are required to turn a sinister old hotel into a homeless shelter. There's the geeky hacker, the snobby shoplifter, the ... well, why bother? It's not as if you're going to get to know most of them, anyway."

Thus, Kane is the hero of the piece. He was my hero when he killed rey mysterio today.

May 19th

It's May 19th and apparently the world is still here. A nice review of Kane's new flick "See no Evil" can be read here .

Raw Review - Father's Day

Mother’s day was this past Sunday, but the WWE was clearly focusing on the father-son bond on this week’s RAW. The bonds between senior and junior were tested as Shane McMahon took a sledgehammer to the face, while Mick Foley was called a bastard by spiritual wrestling father Terry Funk. Add in lots of screen time for the Spirit Squad and you have a humdrum week.

It began with promise didn’t it though?

HHH, king of kings and what not, was set to take on WWE Champion John Cena for the hardware right at the start of the program. You know that if this is the curtain opener, you ain’t going to see it, despite how many times HHH makes that belt motion with his hands. Cue up Vince McMahon who informs HHH that the belt would be on line, just now the match would involve Sheldon Benjamin, Chris Masters and the HHH’ster tagging against Cena and IC champ RVD.

Thus, if you own a belt and you get pinned, the guy that pinned you gets your belt, oh and everyone is legal in the ring. I figure they pulled this match straight out of a mode from Super Smash Brothers.

In the end, HHH pedigree just about everybody and pinned Cena. Too bad he didn’t notice that Benjamin had pinned RVD for the win and the IC belt about second before him. HHH was very angry at these developments and pedigree the ref. That will show him. As a result, the HHH’ster was forced to be in Kenny’s corner as he took on HBK. Backing up Kenny sounds like punishment to me. He should have used that trampoline thing to escape the arena.

From there not much happened (unless you want to read about the Spirit Squad vs. Goldust & Snitsky or how a new pyscho unkown has entered the Niki James feud).

After these low lights we were presented with Father-Son conflict one. Mick Foley had to explain his swerve on Dreamer the week before to Terry Funk. Personally, because he’s Dreamer would have been enough of an explanation for me, but Foley sited that he was standing up for his legacy in the face of the two bit ECW style. This give and take degnerated to an enterating exchange of Funk telling Foley:

· Your wife’s a whore

· Your children are bastards

· The WWE sucks

Before Funk could get out Eric Bishoff sucks, Foley strikes and we have is full on OLD MAN WRESTLING! A crouch shot by Lita put an end to the festivities as the Foley + Edge marriage continues.

The main event was HBK vs. Kenny with special quest referee Shane McMahon and HHH as the official guy who carries a sledgehammer in Kenny’s corner. HHH was advised to use the Home Depot device on HBK’s cranium. Towards the end the contest, Kenny was knocked silly and Shane O Mac held Michaels up for the dreaded hammer shot. HHH told HBK that he wanted him to see this coming, but Michaels displayed that he has been playing that Brain Age game by showing the smarts to duck, allowing McMahon to get the brunt of Thor’s hammer.

Vince comes running to the ring and shouts MY SON MY SON MY DEAD GAY SON!!!! AH HA AH….AHAHAHAHA….YOooooU’LL PAY…..AHAAHA…snick…..snot….gah…gah. gaha gah.. to close the program.

Highlight of the Night: Watching Kane escort his inner voices to the premiere of See No Evil. Then making out with them.

RAW Review: The Swerve-A-Tron

Class concluded this week and I will be getting back to regular updates on the Foreign Object. In celebration, I will be wearing my “May 19^th” shirt, hopefully the voice in my skull will tell me to not watch See No Evil.

Filling in with a Raw recap this week is the writer of the Spored to Death blog, which covers the finest of the worst of the motion picture art. I will be filling in my comments as we go along. Now on to the festivities:

Another fantastic night of professional wrestling on RAW starting off with HHH asking for a shot at his 11th Championship from Cena. Only six more before he can be just like his idol, Ric Flair. Unfortunately, this also means that as soon as HHH gets the belt for the 16th time, his gut will pop out, and he'll bleed from the forehead if he sneezes. Also, his ability to speak will be even further impaired.
Mr. Danger Says: If he wins for the 11^th time does that mean he's 5 titles losses and wins from getting the respect he deserves and gets crushed by OOOOOOOOmaga.

Van Dam successfully defended his title in a fatal four way by teleporting into a pin on top of Chris Masters. Or was it Charlie Haas. In any event, "ECW! ECW! ECW!" was the chant of the night as WWE will be "recreating" ECW.

Mr. Danger Says: In the 23^rd century we will all have teleportation powers and hopefully some fancy legion of superheroes rings.

Another match with Carlito vs. some guy in a sweater. Eugene DQ's Carlito by attacking sweater-man and Carlito spits both of them back into obscurity.

Foley had his rematch against Edge and brought a friend, Tommy Dreamer. The Dream turned to a nightmare with Foley's swerve against Dreamer and a combination Mandible Claw/Spear finished that not-so-hardcore match. Also, more pimping ECW.

Mr. Danger Says: Dreamer should have checked the Swerve-A-Tron machine before the match. It was clearly showing back stab.

Then there was a women's match. I saw some jiggling and screaming and then I realized that I was sitting on the remote and it had switched to a re-showing of "Stuart Gordon's Deathbed". It was a loss either way.

Mr. Danger Says: there was no jiggling in Deathbed? Gordon’s getting lazy.

BUT! The best was yet to come when I saw TECHNICAL BIG MAN WRESTLING! Kane vs. Big Show. Yes, they did WRESTLING moves. Big show started off with a drop-toe hold. J.R. pointed out "When was the last time you saw a 500 pound man do a drop-toe hold."

Then I pointed out, "Hey, what the Hell is J.R. doing back? Wasn't he fired? Again?"

But I digress, as the Big Show and Kane did hammerlocks, drop-toe holds, COUNTERS! The fans were stunned into silence. Or asleep. In any event, a big red mask flashed on the titan tron causing Kane to get possessed by a haunted bed and try to kill Big Show with a chair. Also, the date May 19 apparantly causes Kane physical pain. I guess the movie didn't come out too good.

Mr. Danger Says: Apparently the voices in the Big Show’s head belong Dean Malenko.

So then, Umaga the Samoan Bulldozer ate two white guys and there was a match between the Spit, uh I mean Spirit squad vs. Cena and HBK. Of the two, the Umaga match was more fun to watch. With the exception of a new interesting weapon for the next Smackdown game ( a trampoline, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!) nothing you haven't seen a million times before. Cena and HBK defeated by the Spit Squad. HHH Pedigree's Cena. A DX chop by the cerebral ass. Roll music.

Interesingly, its the old theme music. Problems in contract-town? Who knows, as Lemmy was at ringside, along with one half of ZZ top and one psychotic girl who apparantly loves the new WWE Women's champ enough to be heard screaming it OVER THE ENTIRE REST OF THE CROWD. She got a finisher dedicated to her for her volume.

Mr. Danger Says: The tumors on Lemmy’s face are looking better.

So that's the RAW Quickie Recap. Good luck on your finals, Mr. Danger. And watch out for that brass bed that makes Kane want to make movies and perform techincal manuvuers.

-Spored_to_Death

Thanks again to Spored for filling in the Raw Review.

I can't tell Sports Entertainment Stories Either!

I wasn't planning on updating this week, but something happen on RAW last night that made Mike Tenay's head explode right out of his tuxedo.

As we all know WWE is putting together ECW again. (Cmon air it at 2 am like the old days). They took a step in that direction with resignation of Joey Styles on RAW last night.

Faced with prospect of having to wear a cheerleader outfit and proclaim Kenny of the sprit squad as being the new world champ. Styles went crazy overboard and slapped Lawler straight in his kingly face (and this was after he called him a hack. Awesome). Lawler then called the dimunitive annoucer a little idot and pushed him to the mat, where Styles then walked out.

After the break, Lawler apologized cause Kings can be wrong sometimes. Styles came out and did one of those scripited shoots right out the Heyman notepad. Taking the entire WWE too the woodshed like it was Austin stomping his feet on the Rock. Highlights of Styles triade can be seen here.

Joey provided some valid comments. Valid isn't the word but oh yeah he's dead on seems to fit. Some points he made:
1. He couldn't call wrestling holds.
2. He had to tell stories....STORIES! YUCK!
3. He was bumped like Eugene from Wrestlemania then bumped from Backlash by the guy he replaced.
4. Was told he didn't sound like JR even though they fired JR.
5. Fans suck cause they watch this. Yes I suck.

So Joey is heading off for higher pastures. Which I think involves Staples gun shots to Bradshaw face. One can hope.

Highlight of the night: Slapping Lawler in the face crowd reaction: OHHHHHHH! ECW ECW ECW ECW ECW