Kane Took Me Out

Semester is nearly coming to an end and I have papers to write. So if anyone wants to fill in some posts on the foreign object, you can email me the stories.

Highlights for this week saw Lashley almost pulling off regicide on King Booker. Regal looking like a ravishing wench for the amusement of Pirate Paul on Smackdown, and Angle being the first wrestler to cripple Randy Orton 3 consecutive times in one match.

On RAW, Vince was about to take out Shawn Michaels but was interuppted by the lord our god himself. Vince tried to enter the ring with a chair but fireworks and explosions kept blocking his entrance. Is there a higher order at work here or was the guy operating Kane's pyro having a little bit of fun.

RVD will be fighting Sheldon Benjamin in the first ever title vs briefcase match as both wrestlers lost their matchups against Charlie Hass for Sheldon and the entire Spirit Squad vs. Mr. Money in the Bank.

RAW Review – Vince vs. the Church

The Vince McMahon + HBK feud took the night off this week, so that it could make room for the current Kane going insane angle. Vince and Shane did take some time to visit a church to film a tape segment which can be seen here.

What better way to scout your opponent for the next ppv than by going to the place where the guy lives. (Worked for Abyss). Vince making himself at home went on to break about 3 or 4 commandments to the degree in which you were waiting for lighting to strike him down. Shane, being the more god-fearing of the two, backed up a couple of feet for this when Vince directly called for the Lord’s wrath.

Vince went on to make comparisons between him and God. As God created Adam and Eve, Vince created Stone Cold and Hogan. God had a disciple in HBK (or maybe Jesus for two), Vince had a disciple in Shane (created from his own super sperm). Vince then read off his commandments and looked to the heavens for the Lord, who was busy running the universe.

Kane and the Big Show express crumbled this week as the two big lugs were not able to recapture their tag belts from the Spirit Squad – the first 5 man tag champions ever!!. Kane, whose movie is opening soon, must be getting the butterflies in the stomach, or better yet voices in the head that tell him that on May 19 everyone will know that he is a monster. Kane sold this mental dementia like he had a bad case of the shits. Kane’s mental state fell apart at the end of the tag belt championship match as he destroyed the spirit squad and the referee. Shownan told him to chill but the giant was choke slammed after a couple minutes of grappling about who’s bigger.

Carlito proved that he is a very smart guy by continuing his spit on the face of people were not cool policy. Carlito declared he was on a crash diet after shedding 290 pounds of dead weight called Chris Masters (heh). Masters not at all pleased to be compared to a Jenny Craig plan came out ask Carlito about all the times he swerved him in the past months, which is up to about 26. Carlito said that some of incidents were too old to be remembered, thus don’t count (double heh). Carlito than said he could break the masterlock. Masters being the dumb lug fell for this. Thus, were on for a Masterlock challenge. Carlito being as inventive as MacGyver refuses to let go of the apple in his left hand. Masters seizes the apple, giving Carlito enough time to clobber him in the head with a metal chair. Carlito 27, Masters 0.

The main event featured the team of John Cena and the wrestling aristocrat (HHH) vs. Edge – all by himself. Edge was pounded through out as he stared at the corner looking for the Conquistador #2 to tag in. Cena eventually got the STF on to make the R-rated – snakes on a plane, superstar submit after he was pedigreed by the wrestling monarch, much to Lita’s displeasure and ours.

Highlight of the Night – Vince commandment #3- Thou shall not stick his son’s face up the boss’s ass.

TNA Review – Tire Iron Driving

Nothing much to say about this weekend’s TNA offering. The show is moving to Thursday nights so everything was all low key. Christian though did get some payback on the grunting Abyss by showing up to the arena with a tire iron. Not sure if he drove all the way with that thing or if anyone saw him in the mist of Abyss rage holding the iron, while driving down I95.

The Dudleys were also angry at Team Canada for draping their flag over them. Bubba went off on some nationalistic rant that eventually ended with some talk of some domestic exporting of kick ass.

Highlight of Night: On a Samoa Joe-less show, Sting coming to the ring, explaining how much he missed wrestling and the fans –then my DVR cutting out.

Smackdown Report - Restraining Order and Bar Wenches

In the same week Vince McMahon booked a match with God, Booker T went out and also took action against another powerful mystical being. Booker filed a class-action restraining order against the Boogey Man. The order is simple; Boogey must stay away from Booker’s closet, the area below his bed and any place involving a wrestling ring or match. Booker being so proud of this piece of legal follow-through went to Teddy Long and showed it to him with a “POW!” sound effect. If Boogey breaks the order, Teddy will also get sued. Holla.

Teddy didn’t waste any time though in proving that all those years being a referee were not wasted when he pulled a joke on Booker and Mrs. T by hitting the Boogey’s Man music during Booker’s match with the unknown Gunner Scott. While Booker searched for his lawyer to set up a court date, Scott rolled him up for the pin and his first win on Smackdown. Long came out and said sorry playa, but the button to Boogey’s music was pushed accidentally. I think a WWE staffer was distracted by the new commercial of America’s Top Model, which took place inside a church – probably the site of Vince’s next match.

Teddy wasn’t done on the night as he would announce the return of the King of the Ring tournament. For those not familiar with the KOR tourney, wrestlers take each other on in tournament until there is only one wrestler remaining. Whether this leads to a title shot is unknown. What is known is that the winner will get to call themselves “King” for 1 whole year!!! Past winners include: King Edge, King Kurt and my favorite the Macho King.

JBL continued to taunt Chris Benoit. Apparently, it wasn’t enough that he took Benoit’s title at Wrestlemania. Now JBL hails himself as a real American hero like Snakes Eyes from G.I. Joe, He-Man or Optimus Prime. The video montage superimposed the stock analyst’s face on Mount Rushmore, thus taking his true place next to those great America Presidents. Not sure if this had any effect on Benoit’s patriotism since he’s a Canadian Crippler and all, but he does now hail from Atlanta, so who knows.

Rey Mysterio after being launched Kevin Nash style into the trailer of world heavyweight championshipness had a successful first defense against Randy Orton. Orton legend kill powers really aren’t that effective if you’re not fighting legend whose 78 years old. Orton was down for the count in his tight tights after receiving every variation of the 619 and even some from different area codes.

Highlight of the Night: Paul Burchill took on mentor William Regal in a loser wears what the other guy wants match. Regal sickened by Burchill’s pirate getup had a Seville Row suit on hand (classy), while Burchill got Regal to agree that if the pirate won, Regal would wear the outfit of a drunk busty bar wench (more classy). Burchill won the encounter so Regal will be serving drinks next week at YAR bar. Make sure to leave a tip in between his busty chest.

Final Note: Undertaker was taken out by a Giant Gonzalez redux look-like.

TNA Report - Home Invasion

TNA has been playing the creepy card lately. With Monty Brown being sent back to the Serengeti to pounce whatever pleases him, World-Champion Christian (bet you thought you never read that) has no one to fight. Enter scary man-Kane Abyss. Now if being named after a extinct club in New Jersey that hosted techno and teenagers wasn’t creepy enough, Abyss and manager the sinister minister (he prays to the brother downstairs if you know what I mean) have taken up the sport of stalking Christian’s wife.

Now in TNA world, stalking is not against the law, particularly if you have Alex Shelly film it for a documentary on stupid wrestling bits that build up a title match. Now if stalking is not against the law what about breaking and entering and beating up the owner of the house? The answer is not if your Abyss and you talk in grunts. Abyss beat-up Christian in his own house. Items in Christian’s home were used, as weapons against him like. a…a…empty water cooler bottle. That had to hurt. This debacle ended with Christian drowning in his own pool, as the sinister minister yelled “Abyss! You can’t win the title from a DEAD MAN!!”

Samoa Joe became the number 1 contender for the x-division belt held by the Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels. Joe showing how happy he was by not being very happy beat up the same 3 to 4 x-division wrestlers you see every week, so that he can have a stare down with Daniels

King Slapnuts Jeff Jarrett was in for surprise this week to find out that Sting as composed an army to fight his team of Big Papa Pump and America’s Most Wanted. Sting’s army comprised of pretty much everyone else in TNA from AJ Styles to Shark Boy. Sting then relived 1996 by hitting King Slapnuts with a bat.

Highlight of the night: Gail Kim dousing Jackie with beer, but being stopped by the alcoholic member of AMW because that was a waste of perfectly cheap beer that could be better served in his liver.

Raw Review - Vince vs. God

WWE Raw this week served as a post mortem for Wrestlemania, finally putting away the need to play Peter Gabriel’s “Big Time” for at least another year. The first show after the ‘mania will usually tip us to the new storylines they have down the pike and its sad to report that those new storylines seem oddly familiar, only now they are loonier than a Nathan Jones push.

How so? Will lets go to the big story of the show. HBK comes out to do a victory dance in the ring because of his win against the boss at the Wrestlemania. If you missed the match it consisted of Vince getting beat up, his son’s face shoved up his rectum (true) and being carted away on a stretcher while delivering the middle finger to the victorious Heart Break Kid. HBK thought he was done with Vince – even asking for title shot – but those hopes were dashed as Shane entered to his “Here come the money” song.

Shane declared his father was not well….dead….and brought him out to address Michaels. Now Vince’s power strut walk is a good indicator of how he’s feeling. The power strut walk meter as he came out registered at gimp, which is an improvement of last night’s broken and crippled.

Vince declared Michael’s victory was only through divine intervention and if God didn’t get in the way it would be HBK standing there with the neck brace, robot voice and the emotional scars of having your son’s face shoved up your poop chute. So for the next ppv – Backlash – Vince booked a tag match. Not just any tag match but Vince and Shane vs. HBK and God. Yup the all mighty creator, Yahweh, 1/3 of the holy trinity and Da Man. Hopefully, Vince has learned from past fights between God and Satan and overcomes the creator, which would bring forth Cthulhu I think.

The other highlight of the night was the introduction of Omanga. Now Omanga is not a big deal. He’s your standard Samoan wrestler with Rikishi/Islander move set. His manager though is golden. ARMAAAAAAANNNNDO ALEJANDROOOOOOOO ESTRAAAAADA. His character is that of a Cuban wrestling manager. Being of Cuban descent, I was never more proud for my heritage. Setting up the 16 time world heavyweight champ Ric Flair for the crush job, Estrada noted that he used to watch Flair or at least I think he did through the Cuban accent, on a brooooookenn down TV with da rabbit ears and da aluminum foil. Flair responded by calling him a crazy island jumping Cuban. ESTRAAAADA after declaring his love for “dinero” brought out Omanga who then ass squashed the nature boy.

In the main event, the still heavyweight champ John Cena wrestled in a handicap match between Edge and HHH. If you missed Mania, you were spared the most ridiculous entrances in professional wrestling history as HHH came out on a King’s throne (because he’s the king of kings, oh wait isn’t that guy booked for a tag match at Backlash?) while John Cena came out dressed as a Al Capone styled gangster w/ tommy gun (its Chicago get it…..no….yeah).

WWE stresses Cena as a new kind of champ, who old school wrestling fans dislike. The company missed the mark on this one because old school might as well apply to just about anyone since the Cena is booed harder than the Boo Berry Ghost. HHH got the better of champ being there this night, by swerving edge and pedigree Cena in a 2 second time period. Score one for the wrestling aristocrat.

Other highlights included Kane and the Big Show losing the tag belts to the spirit squad though some heavy duty cheerleading and Micki James showing she’s crazy by dressing like Trish Stratus. Check out WWE.com for full results, some diva pictures and a ESTRADDDDDA bio.

And Chavo quit, good day
Eddie

RAW Review - Coming Up Soon

The RAW Review is coming up in the near future, hopefully some time this week. It was a hummer dinger of a program. I'll touch on wrestlemania, Vince booking god for a ppv, the introduction of Cuban flair and John Cena showing hustle respect and loyalty to HHH's crotch.