Sometime Sunday night I felt a disturbance in the surreal ether of wrestle crap. Something had upset the natural forces of things. In the voice of Dave Bowman from 2010 something had happened "Something WONDERFUL!!!" For you see, this past Sunday, at the Unforgiven pay per watch, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, owner of the world's largest wrestling company had his face shoved up a 7 foot tall, 300 lb man's ass.
Then suddenly it dawned on me. As I knew why this event took place. This wasn't just a cheap stunt to score more repeat business to top UFC or TNA. No!!!! The ass shot heard round the world was a culmination of every single angle wrestling has run through the past ten years.
Trish retiring, JR getting burned, Nathan Jones, The Alliance, the Helmsey/McMahon era, the NWO, Miz, King Booker, RVD drinking and driving, Brian Pillman dying, Stone Cold beating up Booker in a supermarket, the Conquistadores, Spike TV, Kane losing to Kane from 10 years ago, the Zodiac, the Macho King, the Bret Hart screw job, Cryme Tyme, the Big Show being dragged away on his father grave, Eddie Guerro dying, the Highlanders vs. Sprirt Squad, WCW War Games, the Oinkettes, the Masterpiece looking not so Masterpiecish anymore, Halloween Havoc, Team Angle's velor suits, ECW by way WWE, the Zombie, Katie Vick, Bees and Man Law!! It all makes sense now. It was all leadup for this moment.
This revelation took place inside a Heck in a Cell, in which, the McMahon team of Shane and Vince flanked by honorary McMahon ECW champion Big Show looked to end the pranking days of the reunited DX team of HHH and HBK sans China.
The McMahons had a right to be angry. DX wrecked their plane and spray painted their headquarters. They responded by handing the DX'ers beat downs by a list of superstars and extrememists. Hell in the Cell was the culmination of this feud. One team was going in and the other was getting strechered out, but of course....
DX is not getting strechered out.
So the McMahons were left to take the big bumps inside a new Hell in the Cell structure. Bigger, badder and more unforgiving. The events that took place inside this deadly structure should not be relayed to virgin ears. The events are that deadly....and stinky...oh yeah stinky is a good word to describe this.
When the match began DX realized they were in for fight. Knowing they had to take the Big Show down first they immediately began to work over this testicles. Like Flair setting up the leg for the figure four, DX kicked the Big Show in the balls repeatedly until the chances of Show producing encores were slim.
The brutality on the Big Show would come to a close when HBK nailed him with a super kick. The ECW champ had just been nailed by a chair to the head while resting on the steel steps, so the top rope looked like a comfy place to rest his tired head. Vince being the only member of Team About to Lose left, stood in front of DX, using whatever strength he had left to motion to DX to bring it on like Neo from the Matrix. This just made DX dance!
Looking at the Big Show they dropped his extreme tights and displayed the extreme backside of the extreme champ. DX then took the beleaguered billionaire and then drove him face first into the ass romp of the Big Show. Turning and tearing through that grand canyon, Vince's soul warped through the star gate and came out on the other side as the star child. Too bad what was left of his brain and body did not make the trip.
Recoiling from his trip down Big Show ass lane, Vince stood up and then was levelved by sweet chin music. With Shane doing his best impression of a corpse and the Big Show pantless, Vince went down to his knees. The end was coming, he just needed someone to deliver the blow of sweet release. An obliging son-in-law, HHH went outside and brought back a sledgehammer. Sizing Vince up like Tiger Woods to a golf ball, HHH smashed the owner's head in like it was a watermelon at Gallagher show.
Thus, it was over. DX had won. Vince and Shane were dead. The Big Show was pantless. DX did their customary dance and let the paramedic do what he does best..... pick up the shatter pieces of the McMahons and the Big Show's pride. Good job Team McMahon, your contribution to wrestling will not be forgotten. And oh yeah....John Cena is the the new WWE champ. He was also boo'ed the whole time. I guess that's how baby faces get over these days.
Well after a week of no updating, I have returned to the blog to bring you some more silly developments in the world of non-collegiate pro wrestling.
I'm not the only one returning this week, the WWE came back to Madison Square Garden, the birthplace of big arena wrestling, to present this week's RAW and ECW shows.
Now I usually take a cynical position on these things, but to prove that I believe what I am saying, I am hooking myself up to the Lie Dect-a-tron 4000, in order to give you the straight lowdown, which is about as interesting as watching Jeff Hardy watch paint dry. After bringing in lie detecting consult Eric Young, whose on the level, I should pass this thing easily.
One week before the Unforgiven PPV and the exciting storylines of DX vs.the McMahons and John Cena/Edge have hit a outstanding high point crescendo.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Lie. The feuds are now as exciting as a Koko B Ware match inside War Games. Which come to think of it is pretty cool when you think about it.
RAW started out with the human punching bag Ric Flair, taking some well deserved bows for styling and profiling since the dinosaurs. This cued Umaga's Cuban manager to HA HA his boy into another match with Flair. Of course, this turned into the WWE's version of "Stomp" with Flair taking the place of the stage and the garbage cans.
Before Umaga could utter any more fake man-monster nah's and ugh's, classic man-monster Kane arrived to deal out some punishment. After trading blows with a seating device, Umaga stood victorious and also had the ability to sit down if he liked.
This sets up gimmick match #1 for Unforgiven. Kane vs Umaga in right to be called "monster" match. The winner gets to be called monster and make straight to DVD films for the Sci-Fi channel until their monster title is stripped. Exciting.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Lie The DX/McMahon feud will hopefully, for the love of god, end this Sunday. Vince boasted of his legacy at MSG pointing out how his spot on the walk of fame has dividers because "No one walks on Vincent Kennedy McMahon", not even his son-in-law- HHH.
90 minutes later HHH is beaten to a pulp by the aid of the rest of the locker room and Vinnie Mac salutes the sales of his new DVD.
This sets up gimmick match #2 - The McMahons and honorary McMahon - The Big Show face DX in a hell in the cell match. The Big Show will likely take the high bump by falling into a truck of manure.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Truth! By the looks on Edge face, he must still be feuding with John Cena. Yes, his anguish is my anguish as the never ending struggle between the R-rated superstar and the Marine continues. This week they were part of a 3-man tag match which wasn't very interesting unless you like to watch Jeff Hardy get beat up.
Gimmick Match #3 - Cena vs Edge - tables, ladders and chairs! If Cena loses he goes to Smackdown. So prepare to watch the Marine, fight the Vito in a dress and have Michael Cole, as Edge puts it, continue his man-crush.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Truth! He will most likely fight the leprechaun.
Nice to see Chris Masters is back and looking as masterpiecish as ever. Dect-a-tron 4000: Big time Lie! Trish Status had her last match on RAW, as she wrestled Nicki James in a classic contest. Dect-a-tron 4000: Truth!
She will be missed after Unforgiven, setting up gimmick match #4 - Trish wins - she quits - Trish loses - she quits - win- win for the fans
Dect-a-tron 4000: explodes. Looks like Eric Young guidance has failed me and my lie detector test machine. At least I don't share the fate of Jeff Jarrett who was informed last week that as a result of his lie detector failure he must get whipped by the fans and killed by Samoa Joe. That will show him for not booking more Norman Smiley!
On a side note, loving the Cryme Tyme!
Highlight of the Week - Paul Heyman admitting that he had to turn ECW into a sellout shill of its former self in order to book a show at the Garden. Let's hear it for vampires, helmeted goons, fired teachers, the reject, and Test matches!
The WWE this week bid a do to probably the greatest technical wrestler of all time, releasing Kurt Angle from his contract. Apparently, wrestling in the Olympics with a broken freaking neck and then making a living out of falling on your neck for 8 or so years does have an effect no matter how many surgeries you have had by a doctor named Chief Wahoo.
Angle was let go for health reasons, but remember no one ever retires from wrestling and the WWE is leaving the door open. So Jeff Jarrett can save some money on the Fed-EX envelope now and put off Kurt Angle's TNA hiring, title belt reign, loss to Jarrett and public execution by Jarrett's firing squad. Angle was the best of the modern wrestlers, no matter how many title squatch matches HHH has been involved in. He also had range playing from very silly to scary wrestling machine on a drop of a dime. There was no move that Angle didn't bust out, from leg locks to Angle saws. He made Brock Lesner highlight material, enough said.
If I had my say, I would make Angle a manager and bring back a new version of Team Angle, similar to what Shane Douglass is doing on TNA with the Naturals, but that's perfect world stuff.
Another ex-champion that will be taking a powder after Unforgiven is Trish Status. She puts the knockers in the can after years of being the women's champ and the women's champ #1 contender. In a division with like 2 wrestlers, you can see how Trish was always on top of her game in that regard. Next on the departure list, we have WWE Smackdown. Smackdown will be pulling up the tents and heading on over to the UPN-WB lovefest matchup known as the "CW". Finally, Smallville, Vericona Mars and Gilmore Girls on the same channel.
To bad I'll be watching Ugly Betty on ABC. OK maybe not.
Smackdown will be have a new cooler hipper feel to it. Holla Holla as the GM Teddy says. So let's see what we can expect on the new Smackdown. King Booker's Royal Court will bring back the Sexy Book's court is in serious need of the sexy that Justin Timberlake boasts that he's bringing back. Regal, Finley and the leprechaun were knighted last week, so you can now call them Sir Regal, Sir Finley and Sir Leprechaun. But the scandal will destroy the court, as Dave Batista goes undercover as a bar wench to woo the mighty king, creating a rift between Book, Mrs. Queen and Sir Leprechaun.
Vicki Guerreo = More Vicki Guerreo matches It was all hugs and kisses for Vicki until she nailed Rey Mysterio with the 4 point swerve with a folding chair, beating him up cause he was getting beat up by Chavo. Huh? The new CW storyline, an army of undead Guerreos join Vicki and Chavo to beat up Rey some more.
Congrats! You will now have Miz matches and say hello to Jimmy Wang, MVP and Terkay the Dinosaur Hunter CW means new talent even though the letters don't really stand for that? What do they stand for? Which is why Smackdown needs the hyper annoying Miz for the young people, Jimmy Wang for the Chinese rednecks, Terkay to mat wrestle T-Rexes, and MVP to continue his storyline of contract negotiation. Meaning weekly promos of him talking to his agent via cellphone. Heck would you want to wrestle Vito when he's got his dress fluttering in the wind? Also the return of the Boogey Man! Scooby Squad Tag Teams Veronica Mars works with her friends like a Scooby Squad, busting up mysteries. So for the CW we got new tag teams getting to the bottom of some Nancy Drew like mysteries. This week Paul London and Brian Kendrick discovered that K.C. James was actually cloned from the D.N.A cells of Midnight Express' Beautiful Bobby and Stunning Stan Lane. London and Kendrick destroy the lab before the Demolition clone comes to life.
Superpowered Wrestlers Geogory Helms will begin to defend the cruiser weight belt against non cruiser weights by developing the superpowers he once never had as the Hurricane. If only he could tell the woman he loved before he leaves to metropolis. Matt Hardy loses all his hair and swears revenge! On RAW, it looks like it's gimmick matches away with Edge and Cena going after one another in a table, ladders and chairs match. Vince, Shane and the Big Show vs. DX (again) in a hell in the cell. Johnny Nitro and Melena held a press conference to explain why they swerved Mick Foley or announce why Batista harassed her again. It was hard to tell.
On TNA it will be title vs career as Jarrett escorted his own private firing squad armed with machine guns to the ring. They kind of looked like helmeted cops from ECW didn't they! A fan threw a bottle at him and Jarrett responded by having him and family thrown off Planet Jarrett. I wished I had made that up but he actually said Planet Jarrett. I think it orbits Planet Hulk!!! Jarrett commented the he would put Sting in noose and watch him and his career die a slow death. Which I think is the cue for the firing squad to fire. Jim Cornette interrupted the proceedings by speakerphone. He commented on how great satellite feeds were and announced that Jarrett must take a polygraph test to uncover the depth of his mismanagement at TNA. If he failed the tennis racketed one will make his life a living hell. Speaking of hell, Brother Runt (Spike Dudley) found a new version of it losing a 1,000 tac match to Abyss. After the match, Raven followed up with more punishment on Spike because as the TNA website put it "James Mitchell (Abyss' manager) was telepathically controlling Runt's mind!" Now that's CW network worthy!! Highlight of the Week With the departure of Kurt Angle we salute the Velour Team Angle jumpsuit, possibly the greatest ring attire in wrestling history.
Sometime Sunday night I felt a disturbance in the surreal ether of wrestle crap. Something had upset the natural forces of things. In the voice of Dave Bowman from 2010 something had happened "Something WONDERFUL!!!" For you see, this past Sunday, at the Unforgiven pay per watch, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, owner of the world's largest wrestling company had his face shoved up a 7 foot tall, 300 lb man's ass.
Trish retiring, JR getting burned, Nathan Jones, The Alliance, the Helmsey/McMahon era, the NWO, Miz, King Booker, RVD drinking and driving, Brian Pillman dying, Stone Cold beating up Booker in a supermarket, the Conquistadores, Spike TV, Kane losing to Kane from 10 years ago, the Zodiac, the Macho King, the Bret Hart screw job, Cryme Tyme, the Big Show being dragged away on his father grave, Eddie Guerro dying, the Highlanders vs. Sprirt Squad, WCW War Games, the Oinkettes, the Masterpiece looking not so Masterpiecish anymore, Halloween Havoc, Team Angle's velor suits, ECW by way WWE, the Zombie, Katie Vick, Bees and Man Law!! It all makes sense now. It was all leadup for this moment.
Looking at the Big Show they dropped his extreme tights and displayed the extreme backside of the extreme champ. DX then took the beleaguered billionaire and then drove him face first into the ass romp of the Big Show. Turning and tearing through that grand canyon, Vince's soul warped through the star gate and came out on the other side as the star child. Too bad what was left of his brain and body did not make the trip.
