Summerslammed

Now that summer is almost over, the WWE presents its seasonal rites of passage that transpires at the end of every August. Summerslam is this Sunday, so fire up your weiner roasters one more time and hopefully don't burn the place down like TNA did at the Hard Justice PPV.

Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerro
The right to evoke Eddie Guerro's name on TV is on the line here as the now title- less Mysterio goes up against the once retired now back, now complaining Chavo. In the middle of all this we have Eddie's wife, Vicki, who will probably name the winner of this bout - Eddie Guerro guy 2006. Chavo's contention is that Mysterio is a “leech living off the blood of the Guerrero name,” Chavo said that Mysterio was trying to “steal the spotlight” by tying himself to Eddie Guerrero! Well duh, we still got warehouse full of "I lie, I cheat, I steal" T-shirts to sell.

Winner: Chavo Guerro - The ghost of Eddie Guerro will take the over the hapless body of Mysterio's son Dominic. Eddie/Dominic will float into the ring and tell both combatants that their constant bickering has not allowed him to rest in peace. As a result, Eddie/Dominic shows off his great power by incinerating Vicki with a ray from his deadly eye beams.

He states that he will open a portal to hell that will engulf this plane of wrestling reality. As the portal opens, Rey offers himself as a sacrifice and 6-1-9's Eddie/Dominic, sending all of them through the dimesional riff. Chavo looks at the char which represents Eddie's wife now, looks at the ring annoucer and they hit his music to announce him the winner.

ECW World Title Match -Sabu vs. The Big Show - What no four way tussle between these two and Angle and RVD. Nope! The Big Show demonstrated his contract neogation skills by trying to grab the #1 contender contract to his title in the ladder match between RVD and Sabu. The logic is that if the Big Show is the #1 contender to his own belt, he can go to Summerslam lay down in the ring and pin himself and still be the champ, but now he would be 2- time champ! Sabu put one over on the giant by grabbing the contract first and eating it. Thus, making him the #1 contender forever!

Winner - The Big Show - interference, interference, inteference. Everyone in ECW will probably be involved in this match. Olympic champions, gnarly dudes, homicidal gencidals, faceless police officers and even the exhibitionist girl too boot. Big Show retains the belt by yelling for a DQ and running out the arena. The narcs come and beat down who is left in the ring. This is hardcore extreme.

Randy Orton vs Hulk Hogan - Randy's road to rapi...I mean dating Hogan's daughter ends here as Mr. America looks to defend his daughter's honor and his neck from being legend killed.

Winner: Randy Orton - After Hulking up and dropping the leg on the fallen legend killer, Brook Hogan shoots out of the entrance ramp driving the "Thunder in Paradise" speedboat. She tells daddy that she loves Randy. Hogan repiles "Let me tell ya something about love..brother!" Before we can hear his reflection on amor, Randy RKO's him for the win. The legend killer then become the virginity taker as he does Brook in the now aptly named Thunder in Paradise boat.

World Heavyweight Championship - King Booker vs Batista - Heavy is the head that wears the crown. After dimissing with lonely peasant after lonely peasant, Batista the Barbarian returns to take his lost crown from the King of the World!!!

Winner: All Hail King Booker!!! - Realizing that the end is near and his loyal subjects: Finlay, Regal and the leprechaun have all betrayed him. King Booker looks to his Queen for guidance. She skillfully slips some poison into a goblet. Before Batista gives the "Bastista Bomb", he says, "My victory is in hand, before I deal a crushing blow to the man who calls himself king I will enjoy this frosty mug of pale ale." Batista then holds his throat crying, "What treachery is this!! Bedeviled by brandy!!" He falls to the mat and King Booker pins him to retain the throne.

Mick Foley vs Ric Flair - "I Quit match" - Flair finally gets his shot after the beating of the "Foley is Good" book he delivered fed-ex style last week, pressing Foley back into action. Look for handcuffs, chair shots, dynamite, bleeding (lots of bleeding) in this old school classic of a match.

Winner - Ric Flair - Hard to win a I Quit match when you have good friends like Melena who can be hurt o so easy. Of course, Ric Flair is the man who made Terry Funk say these dreaded words. Also this match will feature lots of talking, screaming, you "broke my legs" and your book sucked comments.

The McMahons vs DX - After all the pomp and circumstance and Umanga matches this tag match finally comes to a head as its end game for the McMahons and the DXers. May this feud be buried next to the Great Khali.

Winner - The McMahons - This forcast was provided by the awe inspiring Swerve-A-Tron 500 a powerful supercomputer from the moon, whose sole purpose is to predict wrestling serves. The dot matrix print out tells me that after a hefty charitable payment to HBK's local church also called Shawn Michaels' Commerce Bank checking account. The sexy boy turns on the H'ster to make this feud continue into the fall season.

WWE Championship - John Cena vs Edge - Edge gets no respect. Sunday is his chance to prove that he is not a transitional champ (again) by going against the only guy he's been wrestling since like forever. It won't be easy though because if he gets DQ'ed he loses the spinny belt and the attention of everyone, as Cena would become like the 4X spinny belt champ or something ridiculous like that.

Winner - John Cena- Everything goes Edge's way until the trailer for the movie "The Marine" shows up on the Titian Tron. Edge says to Cena "You got a movie? That's utter crap!" "I got this from a movie too!" He then injects Cena with a chinese synethic drug called the Bejing Cocktail. The drug cuts off Cena's adrenaline till he's dead. The ring is then egulfed in flames and becomes snake infested!!! The Marine does an amazing spin kick, knocking off Edge's head like a football punted into the stands. Cena than covers the body for the win. Cena grabs the cure from Lita by wrapping a Cobra around her. Injecting himself with antidote to end the ppv.

Highlight of the Week - TNA - LAX beating up AJ Styles and the Fallen Angel in the middle of Jeff Jarrett's victory celeberation setup in the ring. Jarrett comes out yelling "This is my party, NOOOO!!!!" as the entire locker rooms empties to fight in the ring.