Dragon Slayer

Promotional Poster for WWE's No Mercy. If you weren't Hailing King Booker already, you better get a start on it.

WAAAAAHHHH, WAAAAAAHHH

Looks like I should give up the prognostication business, as my dark cloudy crystal ball into Summerslam left me with a record of 3-30.

Looks like the WWE writers and myself are not seeing eye to eye, more like face to ass in this case. Good thing I wasn't the only one that applied to this week, as Mick Foley caught the broadside of a flying butt.

In the interest of being professional, I thought I bring in an expert to help discuss this week's events, so without further ado by the power of the infinity gauntlet I bring to you:

The floating head of the Bobby "The Brain" Heenan!

Brain let our readers know its you and say something funny about Tito Santana.

Brain: Tito Santana is like a cue-ball: The more you strike him, the more English you get out of him!.

Delicious!

Up first we have the Summerslam match I got right between Chavo Guerreo and Rey Mysterio. With a screaming Vicki in the corner to monitor the damage, Chavo busted out the entire Eddie Guerreo move set to defeat the masked wannabe.

Brain: Did you know that Chavo holds a place in the Guinness Book of World Records?

Yeah, for what?

Brain: He picked over 1600 heads of lettuce in a half an hour.

Will you stop! It doesn't look like Chavo needs to concern himself with lettuce heads anymore since he won.

Brain: Yeah, he can move right on over to tomatoes!

The DXer's overcame all the odds as the McMahons sent wave after the wave of Big Shows, leprechauns and Finlays to soften them up. These illegal moves were meant to set up DX for the kill, but the McMahons couldn't hold their end of up of the beating stick and took the loss.

Brain: Those moves were legal! Don't you know greco roman hair pull when you see it!

This would leave the McMahons in a surely mood the next night on RAW. Defeated and disgusted they kicked the Coach out of their office while he was bulking up his abs. DX would lighten the mood, as they hijacked Vinnie's private plane and sprayed painted it with a DX logo and spared us any "Snakes on a Plane" references. DX also sprayed painted the headquarters of WWE and the McMahons' limo, reducing Vince's power strut to a slow crawl. My condolences go to the WWE employee whose aerial view of the parking lot is now green.

Brain: "Do you know what KoKo B Ware calls his new hair style?"

No. What?

Brain: Afroturf.

Randy's Road to Rapi...I mean dating Hogan's daughter is over. Let's see how it ended:

Not good.

Brain: Hogan's entrance music! That's my second favorite song.

I'm almost afraid to ask - what's your favorite? Brain?

Brain: All the rest are tied

And finally Foley as expected said "No Mas" to the Nature Boy, of course Cactus did get his shots in.

Brain: When Flair walked by he held up 4 fingers. That was the sign of the 4 Horsemen. When Hogan walked by I held up one finger.

If being Dude Love was not humiliating enough, Foley was forced to join the Vince McMahon kiss my ass club on RAW to defend the honor of Melena again.

Hope you like your swerve with nuts in them.

In other news, Jeff Hardy crashed the introduction of Edge's new spinny belt. Forged in the lava of Mount Doom, the belt is basically the same as Cena's but now it's Rated R. Thankfully, the old belt was tossed in a river.

Hardy did his best impression of a TNA wrestler getting to fight the champ on his first appearance back, but it did look like he was hitting the extreme nachos a little hard while he was away. The Hardy-Edge tussle was broken up by the Doctor of Thug-o-nomics, who tossed Edge into the same watery grave as his spinny belt.

Anything to say before I wrap this up Brain?

Brain: The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they're allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce!

Highlight of the Week:

Edge on Jeff Hardy's return to the ring: "Wow! Jeff Hardy!!!! Didn't you die like two years ago!!"

Summerslammed

Now that summer is almost over, the WWE presents its seasonal rites of passage that transpires at the end of every August. Summerslam is this Sunday, so fire up your weiner roasters one more time and hopefully don't burn the place down like TNA did at the Hard Justice PPV.

Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerro
The right to evoke Eddie Guerro's name on TV is on the line here as the now title- less Mysterio goes up against the once retired now back, now complaining Chavo. In the middle of all this we have Eddie's wife, Vicki, who will probably name the winner of this bout - Eddie Guerro guy 2006. Chavo's contention is that Mysterio is a “leech living off the blood of the Guerrero name,” Chavo said that Mysterio was trying to “steal the spotlight” by tying himself to Eddie Guerrero! Well duh, we still got warehouse full of "I lie, I cheat, I steal" T-shirts to sell.

Winner: Chavo Guerro - The ghost of Eddie Guerro will take the over the hapless body of Mysterio's son Dominic. Eddie/Dominic will float into the ring and tell both combatants that their constant bickering has not allowed him to rest in peace. As a result, Eddie/Dominic shows off his great power by incinerating Vicki with a ray from his deadly eye beams.

He states that he will open a portal to hell that will engulf this plane of wrestling reality. As the portal opens, Rey offers himself as a sacrifice and 6-1-9's Eddie/Dominic, sending all of them through the dimesional riff. Chavo looks at the char which represents Eddie's wife now, looks at the ring annoucer and they hit his music to announce him the winner.

ECW World Title Match -Sabu vs. The Big Show - What no four way tussle between these two and Angle and RVD. Nope! The Big Show demonstrated his contract neogation skills by trying to grab the #1 contender contract to his title in the ladder match between RVD and Sabu. The logic is that if the Big Show is the #1 contender to his own belt, he can go to Summerslam lay down in the ring and pin himself and still be the champ, but now he would be 2- time champ! Sabu put one over on the giant by grabbing the contract first and eating it. Thus, making him the #1 contender forever!

Winner - The Big Show - interference, interference, inteference. Everyone in ECW will probably be involved in this match. Olympic champions, gnarly dudes, homicidal gencidals, faceless police officers and even the exhibitionist girl too boot. Big Show retains the belt by yelling for a DQ and running out the arena. The narcs come and beat down who is left in the ring. This is hardcore extreme.

Randy Orton vs Hulk Hogan - Randy's road to rapi...I mean dating Hogan's daughter ends here as Mr. America looks to defend his daughter's honor and his neck from being legend killed.

Winner: Randy Orton - After Hulking up and dropping the leg on the fallen legend killer, Brook Hogan shoots out of the entrance ramp driving the "Thunder in Paradise" speedboat. She tells daddy that she loves Randy. Hogan repiles "Let me tell ya something about love..brother!" Before we can hear his reflection on amor, Randy RKO's him for the win. The legend killer then become the virginity taker as he does Brook in the now aptly named Thunder in Paradise boat.

World Heavyweight Championship - King Booker vs Batista - Heavy is the head that wears the crown. After dimissing with lonely peasant after lonely peasant, Batista the Barbarian returns to take his lost crown from the King of the World!!!

Winner: All Hail King Booker!!! - Realizing that the end is near and his loyal subjects: Finlay, Regal and the leprechaun have all betrayed him. King Booker looks to his Queen for guidance. She skillfully slips some poison into a goblet. Before Batista gives the "Bastista Bomb", he says, "My victory is in hand, before I deal a crushing blow to the man who calls himself king I will enjoy this frosty mug of pale ale." Batista then holds his throat crying, "What treachery is this!! Bedeviled by brandy!!" He falls to the mat and King Booker pins him to retain the throne.

Mick Foley vs Ric Flair - "I Quit match" - Flair finally gets his shot after the beating of the "Foley is Good" book he delivered fed-ex style last week, pressing Foley back into action. Look for handcuffs, chair shots, dynamite, bleeding (lots of bleeding) in this old school classic of a match.

Winner - Ric Flair - Hard to win a I Quit match when you have good friends like Melena who can be hurt o so easy. Of course, Ric Flair is the man who made Terry Funk say these dreaded words. Also this match will feature lots of talking, screaming, you "broke my legs" and your book sucked comments.

The McMahons vs DX - After all the pomp and circumstance and Umanga matches this tag match finally comes to a head as its end game for the McMahons and the DXers. May this feud be buried next to the Great Khali.

Winner - The McMahons - This forcast was provided by the awe inspiring Swerve-A-Tron 500 a powerful supercomputer from the moon, whose sole purpose is to predict wrestling serves. The dot matrix print out tells me that after a hefty charitable payment to HBK's local church also called Shawn Michaels' Commerce Bank checking account. The sexy boy turns on the H'ster to make this feud continue into the fall season.

WWE Championship - John Cena vs Edge - Edge gets no respect. Sunday is his chance to prove that he is not a transitional champ (again) by going against the only guy he's been wrestling since like forever. It won't be easy though because if he gets DQ'ed he loses the spinny belt and the attention of everyone, as Cena would become like the 4X spinny belt champ or something ridiculous like that.

Winner - John Cena- Everything goes Edge's way until the trailer for the movie "The Marine" shows up on the Titian Tron. Edge says to Cena "You got a movie? That's utter crap!" "I got this from a movie too!" He then injects Cena with a chinese synethic drug called the Bejing Cocktail. The drug cuts off Cena's adrenaline till he's dead. The ring is then egulfed in flames and becomes snake infested!!! The Marine does an amazing spin kick, knocking off Edge's head like a football punted into the stands. Cena than covers the body for the win. Cena grabs the cure from Lita by wrapping a Cobra around her. Injecting himself with antidote to end the ppv.

Highlight of the Week - TNA - LAX beating up AJ Styles and the Fallen Angel in the middle of Jeff Jarrett's victory celeberation setup in the ring. Jarrett comes out yelling "This is my party, NOOOO!!!!" as the entire locker rooms empties to fight in the ring.

Taking Care of Business

Good day to the three to four readers of the Foreign Object. This week's pulse raising edition will be a bit brief due to my update lateness and graduate school paper writing. But I'm going to take care of business like the McMahon's did on RAW as they did by taking out the mettlesome son-in-law, THE GAME.

It was HHH's turn to sell like eBay to Umanga, this week unstoppable man beast with a Cuban manager. HHH short on the protein drinks he pushes on TV, fell to the island savage and was then mocked in his defeat by the dad, who administered the pedigree to his grand daughter's father. YOUR OUT OF THE FAMILY!

Ric Flair finally finished reading through Mick Foley's second book "Foley is Good" and administered his own unique literary critique on the New York Times best seller.

Seeing his literary dissertation get taken out to the woodshed, Foley came out to once again reiterate his no fight Flair policy. With Summer Slam around the corner, though, you knew this policy would give like a WWE announce table as Dude Love agreed to a I Quit Match. Hopefully Foley has learned something since his last no mas match with Rock and not say "I Quit" between now and Summer Slam.

Edge demanded most respect this week because he's got the spinny belt. I demand less Psych commercials on USA, but that ain't going to happen. Call me when you stop feuding with the Marine. Which by the way opens this fall.


Ugh, Robert Patrick been hitting the Twinkines. They are delicious!!

On ECW the bodies continued to hit the floor, where Sabu and Kurt Angle fought in a #1 contenders match to Big Show's small belt on a Big Man title. The winner turned out to be RVD who returned to the square circle with chair in hand and reduded both Angle and former ex best friend, then best friend now ex friend Sabu. So looks like we will have a four-way at Summer Slam as the Big Show will defend against a small army.

Eric Young been great on TNA, as I fully endorse his "Don't fire Eric Campaign". This week he gave cranky boss Jim Cornette some gifts to quell his surly attitude. They include some Tennessee Gin (Cornette: I'm from Kentucky! You moron!). Kentucky rum and a tennis racket that had Cornette's name written out in diamonds. Cornette ever thankful told him go take out Paparazti productions home of Alex Shelly, Johnny Devine and Kevin Nash, if Young wants to get back in his good graces.

The Daniels/Styles vs LAX tag team feud also continued with a nice match between Daniels and under used Homicide.

Programming note: for classic WWE matches tune into the Madison Square Garden network Wed. from 8-10 pm. Classic WWF matches from the MSG archive featuring everything from old promos to classic matches. Great Stuff, beats the smackdown out of RAW.

Highlight of the week
Goes to the Samoa Joe and Ring of Honor's champ Bryan Danielson's one hour time limit draw this past Saturday. The blog will be starting to touch on some more Ring of Honor material so here's a preview of this weekend matches.

Change the Channel

ECW/WWE continues to be the Two-Face of fake wrestling. Like the great Batman villain whose split personality was decided on the flip of a coin, ECW's continues to be god awful, while being really entertaining all at the same time.

Case in point - Batista vs.Big Show main evented this week's card with a BIG MAN A POOZLA match. The first person to hammer his opponent with a BIG ARM SMASH would be the winner. These slow lumbering colossuses engaged each other with speed of a turtle mixed with the agility of a whale. The fans knew what was ahead of them: punches, elbow drops and moving out of the corner as your opponent tries to squish you.

They responded by chanting "Same Old Shit!!!" and "Change the Channel". Yes, like people led to execution, the audience at the ECW taping did there best to warn you. In the end, Sabu would interfere to the surprise of no one, allowing Batista to escape with his pride and knowledge that he's going to be wrestling Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Kennedy in the near future.

Kenneddddddy!!!!!!!!!

Now on to the good of ECW, CM Punk debuted and had a wrestling match filled with wrestling moves. The Brooklyn Brawler made his return to the ring after cleaning up the streets- Brawler style. BB said that it was his destiny to become the ECW champ for this was new era, a new dawn of a new,....Kurt Angle's music?. As Angle approached the ring, the Brawler's head exploded into blood as he tried to look over the WWE's retirement plan. Once in Angle lock the Brawler's leg detached from his socket as Angle waved the mutilated appendage from one end of the ring to other. God bless the Brooklyn Brawler, we salute your talent enhancement skills. By the way how does someone from Brooklyn root for the Yankees.

RAW is silly this week was highlighted by the epic face down between Mick Foley and the Nature Boy. Foley introduced by gal pal Melena stated that in no way would he fight Ric Flair. Nope. Nada. No will do. It only took a few cheap pops to get the Nature Boy out of the back.

Seething with anger and what looked to rabies, Ric called out Foley, and did some elbow drops on to the imaginary opponent on the mat to everyone's delight. Cactus would have the last word though as he recounted to Flair the night Ric called his children to tell them that he loved them because you just never know with planes.

Foley said he would never be able to show that degree of love for his children. He could never pick up the phone with Dewy and say "Son, Your father is in prison". Flair then went from a 10 to that last degree Spinal Tap had on their amps. Reduced to some sort of caveman gargle, flair demanded Foley to a Punjabi prison match or a slap-a-thon he didn't care. Flair wishes would be answered by Coach but once again shot down by a still not wrestling Dude Love.

The rest of RAW was pretty much 1.5 hours of the acronym brothers HBK and HHH making fun of the McMahons. Showing off baby pictures of HHH's new offspring, what kind no talent twit would find comedy in that? (See last week's post).

We also had....

Randy's Road to Rapin.....I'm mean Dating Hogan's Daughter
Step 3 - Create your own reality show and beat up your future girlfriend's family!

Randy so relished his decimation of the acting troop#PS 139 that he even put a cherry on top by making out with the doppelganger of the girl he wants to date? Okay?

TNA has a good feud going with the Samoa Joe/Monty Brown/Rhino love triangle. Brown called Joe a hippophant (a mixture between elephant and a hippo, which by the way is now my new favorite animal, next to the Giger! (Giraffe + Tiger) and declared there was no room in the Serengeti for Hippopants and Rhinos or Gigers. They just deserve.....THE....POOOOOUUUUUUUUUNNNNNCE...PEROID. Somebody call National Geographic!

Highlight of the Week - Madagascar wrestlers and Kevin Nash = classic youtubing.