Up in Smoke

Dude Dude Dude.

One day your on top of the world spinning your title and the next thing you know your suspended and have nothing to hold up your pants. Welcome to the gnarly world of Rob Van Dam. Dude!

In case you haven't heard Mr. Whole F'ing Show and his suicidal, genocidal, homicidal pal Sabu were pulled over this week by police and were arrested for having marijuana and five pills of vicodin in their possession. A pain suppressing pill for Sabu! Go fig.

Though RVD and Sabu were able to break out of prison, by giving a guard a vandaminator, the WWE would cut down their freedom by looking into the matter and eventually suspending them.

But how do you suspend the guy with all the titles? Declare Rey Mysterio the one true champ? Give Van Dam a fake injury and void the belts? Nah! Not embarrassing enough. RVD would drop both belts as quickly as possible. So fast he would have to check if he was still on the roster.

So for the RAW main event, Edge walked away with gold in a triple threat match. Thus, if you throw out the last 4 months of wrestling storyline, its like Edge never lost the belt and he was not a transitional champion. When you look at the big picture though, everyone been a transitional champ as the belt been hotter than a potato.


Think it about, though, on RAW the world champ is Edge and the IC champ is Johnny Nitro, whose is diet Edge. If these guys tagged it would be like the bash brothers again. Who is who? I can't tell?

Anyway, RAW this week was on the fourth of July holiday or at least it seemed like it with the number of squatch matches on the card and DX hijinks. I switched over to TNT to make sure WCW Nitro wasn't broadcasting from some college campus to make sure I wasn't in 1999 again.

DX's quest for more TV time was taken to a new degree as they didn't even have to step into the building in order to receive a hour plus worth of time. After the shit happens incident of last week, McMahon posted some goons to block the DX'ers entrance into the arena.

With the night off, DX held a barbecue of debauchery, cooking burgers and debasing women left and right. It's good to be the king isn't it. Since they devoted only 30 minutes to that - DX took over the TV truck and the rest of the show. In a inspired bit they made McMahon look like Daffy Duck in those cartoons Bugs Bunny animated.

ECW has been improving as of late cause they are now five feet deep instead of the six feet burial alive mode of the past couple of weeks. Being in Philly, the fans were bat shit crazy making even a large stadium theirs. Kudos to fans for telling Mike Knox he can't wrestle and that Test took steroids.

RVD would once again be in full bummer mode as his dishonorable discharge continued against the Big Show. Paul Heyman made mention of RVD's schedule of late and how he was wrestling every biggie in the business. At this rate, he will be wrestling Kevin Nash in a X-division match next week. RVD said wrestling everything in sight is what extreme is all about and Heyman mumbled yeah sure which is wrestling speak for screw job ahead according to the swerve-a-tron 5000 super computer.

The swerve with a waffle cone came when RVD pinned the Big Show, but had no referee to count and re-dude him ECW champ. Heyman came in the ring and gave the Rock's 1-2-oh it doesn't matter who wins! A shock RVD muttered, "Et tu Paul Heyman!". As the Big Show snuck up about as much as a seven foot giant can and choke slammed the suspended one onto a chair and took the title for which he can not wear for he is so large.

One more note on ECW, CM Punk made his talking debut. Showing off his Pepsi Cola Tat. He's hardcore.

On Smackdown, you had the premiere of the new Pitbulls tag team. This time its Jamie Noble and Kid Kash. They wear dog collars like the old Pitbulls, but they don't piledrive women through tables or get thrusted around by the medical halos they are wearing.

The main event was King Book vs Lashley in a steel cage match with the US belt on the line. Book gave the line of the week in trying to get out of the affair saying ,"You don't put kings in cages. You put presidents in cages, dogs in cages, HOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOESSSSSS in cages." Well said Book, but you still lost, like a dirty Hobo.

And....................................


Vito went shopping!!! Ratings!!!! CW Network here we come.

On TNA, the new face of TNA mis-management - Jim Cornette, held the first ever company wide meeting. Figuring this is the promotion's first meeting would explain a lot doesn't it. The tennis racketed one declared the following from his perch on high in the ring:

1. America's Most Wanted and Gail Kim will take on the tag champs A.J. Styles and the Fallen Angel with that man-woman thing. Cornette is fully versed on the current roster.

2. Team Canada your disbanded!! This sent poor Coach Scott D'Amore, whose is in a neckbrace due to the beating he took by the War Machine Rhino, flying back about as far as a Dragon Ball Z villain punched by Goku. Can you disband a country? Sure.

3. Earl Hebner your fired. Crowd chants your screwed Brett on cue.

4. Larry Zybesko must wrestle Raven in a (deep breath) What's left on Zybesko's head in terms of hair vs. the mess on Raven's head match. Get out your clippers.

5. Samoa Joe, Scott Steiner, Sting and Christian Cage will have to fight each other in a 4 on 4 match to see who is the number#1 contender to.......

6. New champ......Jeff Jarrett. You know if you take a time machine back about 3 months its like he never lost the be.....

Highlight of the Week - Goes to the RVD/Sabu mess. It's hard to believe that this stuff never happened before? Or did it??????