My condolences goes out to those hardcore (there got to be like two of you out there!) WWE fans who ordered the Great American Bash PPV this past Sunday. If you did, you probably found nothing great or American about the event, but we can bash it and bash it good and that's what were here for.
Due to WWE's new "wellness policy", another term for being injury and drug free, pretty much the entire Smackdown roster was taken out. Lashley gone, Great Khali gone, Finlay's leprechaun - on the other end of the rainbow and Vinnie was looking for dresses. Faced with no ppv they changed most of the matches at the last minute, pulling off the old switcheroo. As a result, I'm going to pull the same thing and talk about Comic Con!!!! That's Galactus - eater of worlds - in a suit. There were Star Wars storm troopers at comic con and just as many virgins as well.
Back to the Bash and the first ever Punjabi Prison Match. What's a Punjabi Prison Match you say. Well only the Great Khali, his manager and the well traveled JBL knew for sure and no one was spilling the beans or in this case the Punjabi. Well since the Great Khali couldn't go against the Undertaker due to his lack of any wrestling skill, Teddy Long, GM and story mover, elected the Big Show for the match. The Big Show's reaction was "What the heck is a Punjabi Prison Match?" What indeed.
With the Show and Taker facing off, what we have is a classic Big Man wrestling match. So in that spirit the Foreign Object presents the theme music to Big Man wrestling. You may save it and play any time I write about large sized men brawling. Apparently, Punjabi Prison Match means really big poles in a ring match. Since the Big Show had no idea what he was doing he dropped the match to the dead man.
With that done. Mr. Kennedy was Mark Henry's replacement against Batista He did not fair so well.
In the main event, Rey Mysterio's long title reign for a very short man came to crashing halt as King Booker made the transformation to King Champ with a little help from the now evil Chavo Guerro. Take that naive. Have at thee!
On RAW, the Edge vs Cena merry go around continued as the two faced off in a tag team match. A couple of weeks ago, I commented about the similarities between Edge and Johnny Nitro. Well this week, they tagged and it was amazing. At times, I thought I saw 4 Edges in the ring getting there butts whipped by Cena and Nature Boy Ric Flair.
Speaking of old men. It's time for Part two of:
Randy's Road to rapin....I'm mean dating Hogan's daughter Step 2: Make Dad look like a bully Nothing will attract the attention of your prey better than by showing how much of a brute her father is. By taking a beating Randy is looking to fall into the comforting arms of pop singer/VH1 star Brooke Hogan. What'cha going do!
If you stuck around for the rest of RAW is now nowhere near WAR, you witnessed HBK get taken out by a now storylined pumped Umaga. Now if your wondering what about HHH. He could not attend due to prior engagements which I will refer to shortly. Foley continued to duck Flair for all the best reasons. I'm waiting for the day he gets stomped on from that set he's on in Stanford.
On TNA, Kevin Nash definitely needs some help against the X-Division. He needs to know their mindset, their moves, and what those lowly paid wrestlers are thinking. Enter wrestlers from Madagascar and two sided rings. Enjoy!
On ECW, well we had Vampires and nothing much else. CM Punk is on the horizon. Sabu is getting a title shot after taking out the Big Show in his match against Hollywood slasher flimstar Kane, concluding Big Show's tour de force big man wrestling theme week.
Highlight of the Week Can only go to the birth of HHH's and Stephanie McMahon's baby daughter Aurora Rose Levesque. I couldn't help but notice at what a odd name Aurora is. A point which was not loss on HHH.
Ever wonder what happens to those shiny title belts after a wrestling company goes into the hereafter. You would think the owner would keep the hardware as a memento to how much money he lost on the unprofitable business that is pro wrestling, but this is not always the case.
Sometimes the last champion, who by beating everyone in his path or who had no one to wrestle anymore before bankrupancy sets in, gets to hold on to the strap by fact that no one asked for it back. Rhino reminded us of this loop hole this week as he dove horn first into his basement to retrieve the ECW world heavyweight championship. Rhino opened TNA Impact by stating in the ring, that he was asked to come on aboard WWE's ECW floating garbage barge, but the War Machine declined the offer cause he's TNA EXTREME!!! (and under long term contract). Rhino was into it. Stating "Oh, I'm Feeling It" shouting about the lawyer letters that stated that he must return the ECW belt to Vince McMahon, who probably needed it for a DX skit. Rhino refused, and held the prize in a bag over his head. Whether the belt was in there or if it was Jake the Snake's Snake - Damien is your call. Rhino apparently feeling it some more, left the ring saying that he should done what he was about to do five years ago.
Here's what I think he should have done five years ago, but how business savvy can a War Machine be? Grumbling all the way to the parking lot, Rhino did his best impression of hobo, throwing the ECW title bag into an oil drum and lighting it on fire. Signifying the death of ECW and what not. Kind of unnecessary cause this week's ECW presented a better case that the extreme wrestling group was no more. Paul Heyman still has not explained why he screwed job RVD storyline wise, but when prompted for answer by Tommy Dreamer, Heyman shoved his tongue down the innovator's of violence throat, which I guess meant start the Test match now.
Test then battered a now love struck Dreamer. To further the whole death of ECW symbolism the Undertaker fought the Big Show in the main event with interference by the Great Khali. Yeah, sounds like ECW to me.
Now last week, WWE presented 7 hours of programming between the various network shows and Saturday Night's Main Event. Of those hours the only thing worth watching was Mick Foley calling out to Flair that there will be no rematch for him. No way, and how, not going to happen. This is funny because between Monty Brown, Rhino and the Big Show, these three have called out just about everyone in wrestling and a few death sport guys to a match. Mick said no way all the way from the safety of a TV studio. Like always, he's hardcore. Also John Cena learned some math.
Randy Orton's began his new angle, which I will feature in a little how-to-segment called:
Randy's road to rapi....I mean dating Hulk Hogan's daughter Step 1: Earn the girl's trust by challenging her father to match.
By challenging dear old and I mean old dad to a match, you prove to your prey that you are an upstanding gent. Hogan can relate because things were done like this in the caveman days, which believe happened during Hogan's feud with Big John Stud. Randy would come out the better man on this occasion when he RKO'd dad onto his own rent-a-car, much to the confusing of daughter Brooke. Other than that DX was so bored they spent their time hawking what could be the ugliest shirt ever. Compound that with a real Mark Henry injury during Saturday's Night Main Event and you have entertainment for all the wrong reasons.
When TNA wasn't burning belts, they had a PPV which ended with Sting getting a title shot against Jarrett at the next PPV. ECW may be dead but it looks like WCW is alive and well. Highlight of the Week -
Only one way it can end, with the GORE, GORE, GORE.....I'm feeling it.
Much to my surprise this week, new world champ with the spinny belt Edge, did not celebrate his second title reign with a public display of getting it on with the miss Lita. Instead, we were treated to a lifestyles of the rich and famous segment with the new champ showing off how the better half lives in four star hotels and the bars that accompany those four star hotels.
Edge took advantage of the all the world champ perks by abusing the hotel help. Little did he know that he would become the full embodiment of The Who's drummer Keith Moon when he ordered the hotel's soup du jour -cream of John Cena. Cena, already angry over Edge's play by play call of his match with Sheldon Benjamin from the R-Rated superstar announce table (no need to hit the SAP button on your remote), pummeled the world champ till he'd checked out.
Though learning that Edge likes orange drinks is nice, it wouldn't be a RAW without a hour plus of the DX comedy tour. Well surprise of all surprises - HHH and HBK pretty much took the show off, appearing only in the final five minutes to see the helpless Eugene score a win over Vince McMahon. A fitting payback, I think to Vinny Mac and Shane covering Eugene in green slime and flushing his head down the toilet. Though Eugene rebounded his career and dignity are still at the bottom of that bowl.
So without an hour plus of HHH or HBK you got. hmmmmmmmmmm...okay?
I haven't commented on the Miz for fear my head would explode from stupidity. The Miz is the head announcing cheerleader ass for Smackdown. The ultimate mark who gives the fans a preview of Smackdown's oh so great quality matches. In other words, the man blows his load on Mark Henry main events. Now we can digest him on RAW for the infernal Diva search challenge. I now wish I can flush my head down the potty along with Eugene.
Speaking of Smackdown, Batista returned and powered up to Super Sayian level 4.
Mark Henry answered Dave's cries of revenge for crippling him a couple months back, costing him the title and main eventing against Mark Henry. What a loss. Cue the Miz blowing his load. Before Mark Henry can say "Listen here fool I..........." He was beaten bloody by Devon Dudley's favorite deacon.
Beatings were the norm on ECW, where the Big Show defended his title against Ric Flair. Ric Flair who has never not made a big deal of chopping that giant down was also beaten to a pulp. This is par for the course for the Nature Boy, who has been receiving beatings since the Beatles were in vogue.
Flair would come on strong at the end, employing the blunt edge of a barb wired baseball bat and dropping the Big Show on a puddle of tacks. OUCH!!!! The Big Champ scored the win by choking slamming Flair onto the tacks. Flair was escorted out the ring with the help of an archeology group studying lost mummies as the crowd chanted "Thank You, Flair!" for a job well done.
In TNA, Kevin Nash refuses to disappoint. His plan to destroy the X-Division continued when he tied up Chris Sabin in a body bag and brought out his corpse to the ring for mocking. Nash said from his corporate meeting room equipped with a blackboard and table straight out the headquarters of the Justice League of America, that the bodybag represented the ultimate humiliation and that there was no recovering from it. It's a gimmick we haven't seen in like................2 whole weeks. Right on, Big Kev. In the ring, Nash pleaded for his 2 million dollar reward stating that he had bagged Osma Bin Laden. Instead it was just Sabin Bin Laden. Sabin would be rescued Jay Lethal as Nash would go on to freedom fight another day.
TNA did end this week with the usual nonsense of Sting fighting Double J. Sting yelled "Jarrett you are a cancer. You are tumor and I will remove you!!!" He then applied the Scorpion death lock just before my DVR ended it. The image on my screen was of Sting crapping on Jarrett. Yup, you guessed it I hit erase on the menu.
And in case you missed it Ron "The Truth" Killings put out a music video. Enjoy.
This is definitely director's Uncle Pooty's best work.
Highlight of the Week Joey Styles - "Let me repeat this for historical purposes. Ric Flair has just hit the Big Show with a barb wire baseball bat."
One day your on top of the world spinning your title and the next thing you know your suspended and have nothing to hold up your pants. Welcome to the gnarly world of Rob Van Dam. Dude! In case you haven't heard Mr. Whole F'ing Show and his suicidal, genocidal, homicidal pal Sabu were pulled over this week by police and were arrested for having marijuana and five pills of vicodin in their possession. A pain suppressing pill for Sabu! Go fig. Though RVD and Sabu were able to break out of prison, by giving a guard a vandaminator, the WWE would cut down their freedom by looking into the matter and eventually suspending them. But how do you suspend the guy with all the titles? Declare Rey Mysterio the one true champ? Give Van Dam a fake injury and void the belts? Nah! Not embarrassing enough. RVD would drop both belts as quickly as possible. So fast he would have to check if he was still on the roster.
So for the RAW main event, Edge walked away with gold in a triple threat match. Thus, if you throw out the last 4 months of wrestling storyline, its like Edge never lost the belt and he was not a transitional champion. When you look at the big picture though, everyone been a transitional champ as the belt been hotter than a potato.
Think it about, though, on RAW the world champ is Edge and the IC champ is Johnny Nitro, whose is diet Edge. If these guys tagged it would be like the bash brothers again. Who is who? I can't tell?
Anyway, RAW this week was on the fourth of July holiday or at least it seemed like it with the number of squatch matches on the card and DX hijinks. I switched over to TNT to make sure WCW Nitro wasn't broadcasting from some college campus to make sure I wasn't in 1999 again. DX's quest for more TV time was taken to a new degree as they didn't even have to step into the building in order to receive a hour plus worth of time. After the shit happens incident of last week, McMahon posted some goons to block the DX'ers entrance into the arena.
With the night off, DX held a barbecue of debauchery, cooking burgers and debasing women left and right. It's good to be the king isn't it. Since they devoted only 30 minutes to that - DX took over the TV truck and the rest of the show. In a inspired bit they made McMahon look like Daffy Duck in those cartoons Bugs Bunny animated.
ECW has been improving as of late cause they are now five feet deep instead of the six feet burial alive mode of the past couple of weeks. Being in Philly, the fans were bat shit crazy making even a large stadium theirs. Kudos to fans for telling Mike Knox he can't wrestle and that Test took steroids.
RVD would once again be in full bummer mode as his dishonorable discharge continued against the Big Show. Paul Heyman made mention of RVD's schedule of late and how he was wrestling every biggie in the business. At this rate, he will be wrestling Kevin Nash in a X-division match next week. RVD said wrestling everything in sight is what extreme is all about and Heyman mumbled yeah sure which is wrestling speak for screw job ahead according to the swerve-a-tron 5000 super computer.
The swerve with a waffle cone came when RVD pinned the Big Show, but had no referee to count and re-dude him ECW champ. Heyman came in the ring and gave the Rock's 1-2-oh it doesn't matter who wins! A shock RVD muttered, "Et tu Paul Heyman!". As the Big Show snuck up about as much as a seven foot giant can and choke slammed the suspended one onto a chair and took the title for which he can not wear for he is so large.
One more note on ECW, CM Punk made his talking debut. Showing off his Pepsi Cola Tat. He's hardcore.
On Smackdown, you had the premiere of the new Pitbulls tag team. This time its Jamie Noble and Kid Kash. They wear dog collars like the old Pitbulls, but they don't piledrive women through tables or get thrusted around by the medical halos they are wearing.
The main event was King Book vs Lashley in a steel cage match with the US belt on the line. Book gave the line of the week in trying to get out of the affair saying ,"You don't put kings in cages. You put presidents in cages, dogs in cages, HOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOESSSSSS in cages." Well said Book, but you still lost, like a dirty Hobo.
And....................................
Vito went shopping!!! Ratings!!!! CW Network here we come.
On TNA, the new face of TNA mis-management - Jim Cornette, held the first ever company wide meeting. Figuring this is the promotion's first meeting would explain a lot doesn't it. The tennis racketed one declared the following from his perch on high in the ring:
1. America's Most Wanted and Gail Kim will take on the tag champs A.J. Styles and the Fallen Angel with that man-woman thing. Cornette is fully versed on the current roster.
2. Team Canada your disbanded!! This sent poor Coach Scott D'Amore, whose is in a neckbrace due to the beating he took by the War Machine Rhino, flying back about as far as a Dragon Ball Z villain punched by Goku. Can you disband a country? Sure.
3. Earl Hebner your fired. Crowd chants your screwed Brett on cue.
4. Larry Zybesko must wrestle Raven in a (deep breath) What's left on Zybesko's head in terms of hair vs. the mess on Raven's head match. Get out your clippers.
5. Samoa Joe, Scott Steiner, Sting and Christian Cage will have to fight each other in a 4 on 4 match to see who is the number#1 contender to.......
6. New champ......Jeff Jarrett. You know if you take a time machine back about 3 months its like he never lost the be.....
Highlight of the Week - Goes to the RVD/Sabu mess. It's hard to believe that this stuff never happened before? Or did it??????
My condolences goes out to those hardcore (there got to be like two of you out there!) WWE fans who ordered the Great American Bash PPV this past Sunday. If you did, you probably found nothing great or American about the event, but we can bash it and bash it good and that's what were here for.
Back to the Bash and the first ever Punjabi Prison Match. What's a Punjabi Prison Match you say. Well only the Great Khali, his manager and the well traveled JBL knew for sure and no one was spilling the beans or in this case the Punjabi. Well since the Great Khali couldn't go against the Undertaker due to his lack of any wrestling skill, Teddy Long, GM and story mover, elected the Big Show for the match. The Big Show's reaction was "What the heck is a Punjabi Prison Match?" What indeed.
