RAW Review: The Swerve-A-Tron

Class concluded this week and I will be getting back to regular updates on the Foreign Object. In celebration, I will be wearing my “May 19^th” shirt, hopefully the voice in my skull will tell me to not watch See No Evil.

Filling in with a Raw recap this week is the writer of the Spored to Death blog, which covers the finest of the worst of the motion picture art. I will be filling in my comments as we go along. Now on to the festivities:

Another fantastic night of professional wrestling on RAW starting off with HHH asking for a shot at his 11th Championship from Cena. Only six more before he can be just like his idol, Ric Flair. Unfortunately, this also means that as soon as HHH gets the belt for the 16th time, his gut will pop out, and he'll bleed from the forehead if he sneezes. Also, his ability to speak will be even further impaired.
Mr. Danger Says: If he wins for the 11^th time does that mean he's 5 titles losses and wins from getting the respect he deserves and gets crushed by OOOOOOOOmaga.

Van Dam successfully defended his title in a fatal four way by teleporting into a pin on top of Chris Masters. Or was it Charlie Haas. In any event, "ECW! ECW! ECW!" was the chant of the night as WWE will be "recreating" ECW.

Mr. Danger Says: In the 23^rd century we will all have teleportation powers and hopefully some fancy legion of superheroes rings.

Another match with Carlito vs. some guy in a sweater. Eugene DQ's Carlito by attacking sweater-man and Carlito spits both of them back into obscurity.

Foley had his rematch against Edge and brought a friend, Tommy Dreamer. The Dream turned to a nightmare with Foley's swerve against Dreamer and a combination Mandible Claw/Spear finished that not-so-hardcore match. Also, more pimping ECW.

Mr. Danger Says: Dreamer should have checked the Swerve-A-Tron machine before the match. It was clearly showing back stab.

Then there was a women's match. I saw some jiggling and screaming and then I realized that I was sitting on the remote and it had switched to a re-showing of "Stuart Gordon's Deathbed". It was a loss either way.

Mr. Danger Says: there was no jiggling in Deathbed? Gordon’s getting lazy.

BUT! The best was yet to come when I saw TECHNICAL BIG MAN WRESTLING! Kane vs. Big Show. Yes, they did WRESTLING moves. Big show started off with a drop-toe hold. J.R. pointed out "When was the last time you saw a 500 pound man do a drop-toe hold."

Then I pointed out, "Hey, what the Hell is J.R. doing back? Wasn't he fired? Again?"

But I digress, as the Big Show and Kane did hammerlocks, drop-toe holds, COUNTERS! The fans were stunned into silence. Or asleep. In any event, a big red mask flashed on the titan tron causing Kane to get possessed by a haunted bed and try to kill Big Show with a chair. Also, the date May 19 apparantly causes Kane physical pain. I guess the movie didn't come out too good.

Mr. Danger Says: Apparently the voices in the Big Show’s head belong Dean Malenko.

So then, Umaga the Samoan Bulldozer ate two white guys and there was a match between the Spit, uh I mean Spirit squad vs. Cena and HBK. Of the two, the Umaga match was more fun to watch. With the exception of a new interesting weapon for the next Smackdown game ( a trampoline, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!) nothing you haven't seen a million times before. Cena and HBK defeated by the Spit Squad. HHH Pedigree's Cena. A DX chop by the cerebral ass. Roll music.

Interesingly, its the old theme music. Problems in contract-town? Who knows, as Lemmy was at ringside, along with one half of ZZ top and one psychotic girl who apparantly loves the new WWE Women's champ enough to be heard screaming it OVER THE ENTIRE REST OF THE CROWD. She got a finisher dedicated to her for her volume.

Mr. Danger Says: The tumors on Lemmy’s face are looking better.

So that's the RAW Quickie Recap. Good luck on your finals, Mr. Danger. And watch out for that brass bed that makes Kane want to make movies and perform techincal manuvuers.

-Spored_to_Death

Thanks again to Spored for filling in the Raw Review.