My favorite form of black Friday Christmas shopping is online. The array of disingenuous deals coupled with the outright brutality found at brick and mortar outlets at 4 am leaves me a little bit cold (literally your balls can fall off waiting for a circuit city to open). Good thing for me, I'm lazy. I like the anticipation of a package coming in the mail and the danger of having my identity stolen. Let's face it, where else other than on the Internet can you get a Wii for triple its retail price, opened and coming with a copy of excite truck that has peanut butter on the bottom of the disk. Apparently though my package of Spirt Squad is on route.
If you missed the low lights this week, the now comically aimed DX teamed with Ric Flair, best known for just about anything to do with wrestling, to fight the Spirit Squad for the 45th time this year. The match which did feature one spirit squader having his butt firmly flying off Kenny's head, ended with DX picking up the win stretching their record to 38-2-5 against the cheerleaders. Were not done with the squad just yet. HHH (Martin) and HBK (Lewis) gathered up the squad stuffed them in a truck and mailed them back to the WWE's minor league the OVW. In terms of getting them over all I got to say is: DAMN! Bet you knew that was coming.
Team Rated RKO, who are now married at the hip for being the bestest of buddies, would not stand for this humiliation of heels and the death to a lame gimmick. They proceed to show DX who's boss by making Flair...
bleed....a lot. I think he can recover guys.
RAW sputtered on with Eugene showing Hacksaw Jim Dugan just who is the crazy retard of this place. Yes its let see here...2006 and were watching a Hacksaw Jim Dugan match. Cryme Tyme beatup a Michael Richards looklike. You know? For the hood. The Hardy Boys reunited extremely to extreme fight Team Rated RKO for the extreme tag titles which they lost extremely. Edge even brought up all the extreme times he extremely beat Matt and Jeff. Touche.
Speaking of extreme. What about the extreme elimination chamber match . It will now feature Pods! No not Ipods but little bubbles holding weapons I think. I'm not sure of this because the manner in which they describe it is so extreme, by which I mean vague, that I think the end result will be the end of a 3 stooges bit only with chainsaws. I'm sure one of the pods will have the most extreme item of all Kain's unrated DVD version of See no evil with the original title "Eye Scream Man!" title.
At Survivor Series, King Book-ka was unceremoniously dumped from his throne by the brute Batista. The Smackdown kingdom is now in shambles. You can see Kennedy being buried alive by the Undertaker and the Bogey Man stuffing dead worms down the Miz's face. Ok that's a good thing. So now Batista is champ, let's just hope this run lasts longer than his run on "Smallville" where he was incinerated by the Martian Manhunter after about 10 minutes of screen time. You know I hope the same thing happens this Friday actually.
In TNA, Sting is no longer champ, because he ignored the 4 week old get DQ- lose the belt rule in his match with the bottomless Abyss. To become champ, the Byss got slammed through a barbed wire table. Ouch. He sold it like he was being fried up KFC style.
Soma Joe's win streak is over. Was he tasered like Goldberg. Nope, he tapped like drum to the Anglelock at the ppv. Joe now has to look out for Angle's back if he's going to get rematch. Prepare for a lot of in ring stare downs.
LAX was stripped of the tag titles for burning one too many American flags. The Road Dog and Billy Gun are now calling themselves the Voodoo Kin Mafia? Yup, don't know either.
TNA's been on a operatic roll, as seen in these highlights. Highlight of Week What's John Cena been up to? He's now fighting the subway guy. Look for him to feed food to Umaga until he explodes.
To anyone who is reading this, please tell my loved ones that I did truly love them. The circumstances to my downfall are quite simple to explain, but I hope my report will not be vain. I have brave through the death valley of Killforst, trekked through the swamps of Mudgroth and escaped the Mines of Beavoria to tell you, my dear reader, that this week's WWE offering was utter donkey crap. After watching this drivel for the past two weeks my head exploded. Let my loss of life and brains be fair warning to stop watching the WWE. Now what follows has been fair warned.
Reasons to stop watching WWE
John Cena vs Kevin Federline - The champ with the spinny belt gets all David Arquette on us by fighting C list celebrity rejects. This will lead to the great Umaga feud. By great I mean in a sense that if you let go of a giant turd while taking a dump, you stand back and admire your handiwork.
Old Man Squad - I don't need to see Ric Flair tag with anyone comparable to his age. I did want to see Dusty Rhodes tag just for the fact that Dusty might get his ultimate revenge on his longtime horseman foe and eat him just before Flair wins a match or least suffocate him with his blubber. Divas fighting - particularly with Umaga. In fact let's not see anymore crazy samoans unless they speak the queen's english. MVP's Tights - Yup JBL is right - he's walking Bud Light Can.
DX - I think it's to the point that writers have developed a DX story machine that spits out their hijinks for week. This week have DX enjoy watching fat male stripper dance.
Dick Johnson - Ever wonder who are the WWE writers? Look no further than this guy's crack. Anybody tried to vote for CyberSunday??? The results seemed to be a bit unfounded for me. I wanted to vote for the spinny belt only to have a popup tell me "No douche! Vote for King Booker He's CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!! and the smackdown kingdom...and it will fit the federline interference angle smoothly. Seriously, Dick just thought it up!!! The idea is killer!!!! Have him attack and challenge Cena, then Brittany can dump him, he'll have nothing left to lose. Then Dick can sit on his face before Dusty Rhodes eats him and we then electrify the remains at Halloween Havoc 2007!!!!
It's not all doom gloom for the WWE, the Rey Mysterio exit into vacationdom was a smooth transition, well about as smooth as crying "I quit" while hanging upside down, while Chavo Guerro hits you in the knee with a chair can be. Chavo's feud with Benoit should prove to be entertaining.
What the heck is an extreme elimination chamber. I know what a elimination chamber is...A couple of guys standing around doing nothing while two guys wrestle for 40 mintues. This time RVD, Big Show, Sabu will stand around and do zlitch with weapons while Test wrestles CM Punk.
With the King getting fired for the 29th time, JR gets more comfortable with Crime Tyme. JR: "Can I offer you fellas some barbecue sauce!!"
JBL line of the week - From the Undertaker/Kane vs. MVP/Mr. Kennedy match. Paraphrasing here but, "The brothers of destruction (Kane and Taker) took out DDP and Canyon! That is a debt wrestling can not repay." Way to get DDP over. Hacksaw Jim Duggan "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! OH YEAH!! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
In a complete reversal of fortune, TNA never looked better, the only drawback is Sting finding religion. Which is silly for a guy who used to dress as the crow. Introducing tatankasting 2.0
AJ Styles ended the X-Division reign of Chris Saban last week. Saban's reign lasted a bit longer than a blink. Saban should feel good though because we all are just transitional champs.
This just in Somoa Joe still does not Kurt Angle. Why? Ummmmmmmm. Got me.
Christian's feuding wtih Rhyno, he's feuding with Sting, he's feuding with Abyss, he's feuding with my cable guy, he's feuding with his videogame version in RAW vs. Smackdown on Playstation. The guy is very busy these days.
Highlight of the Week
Speaking of RAW vs Smackdown this piece of youtube is an actual storyline from the new game hitting stores shelves soon.
My favorite form of black Friday Christmas shopping is online. The array of disingenuous deals coupled with the outright brutality found at brick and mortar outlets at 4 am leaves me a little bit cold (literally your balls can fall off waiting for a circuit city to open). Good thing for me, I'm lazy. I like the anticipation of a package coming in the mail and the danger of having my identity stolen. Let's face it, where else other than on the Internet can you get a Wii for triple its retail price, opened and coming with a copy of excite truck that has peanut butter on the bottom of the disk. Apparently though my package of Spirt Squad is on route.
If you missed the low lights this week, the now comically aimed DX teamed with Ric Flair, best known for just about anything to do with wrestling, to fight the Spirit Squad for the 45th time this year. The match which did feature one spirit squader having his butt firmly flying off Kenny's head, ended with DX picking up the win stretching their record to 38-2-5 against the cheerleaders. Were not done with the squad just yet. HHH (Martin) and HBK (Lewis) gathered up the squad stuffed them in a truck and mailed them back to the WWE's minor league the OVW. In terms of getting them over all I got to say is:
Speaking of extreme. What about the extreme elimination chamber match . It will now feature Pods! No not Ipods but little bubbles holding weapons I think. I'm not sure of this because the manner in which they describe it is so extreme, by which I mean vague, that I think the end result will be the end of a 3 stooges bit only with chainsaws. I'm sure one of the pods will have the most extreme item of all Kain's unrated DVD version of See no evil with the original title "Eye Scream Man!" title.
At Survivor Series, King Book-ka was unceremoniously dumped from his throne by the brute Batista. The Smackdown kingdom is now in shambles. You can see Kennedy being buried alive by the Undertaker and the Bogey Man stuffing dead worms down the Miz's face. Ok that's a good thing. So now Batista is champ, let's just hope this run lasts longer than his run on "Smallville" where he was incinerated by the Martian Manhunter after about 10 minutes of screen time. You know I hope the same thing happens this Friday actually.
