Sometime Sunday night I felt a disturbance in the surreal ether of wrestle crap. Something had upset the natural forces of things. In the voice of Dave Bowman from 2010 something had happened "Something WONDERFUL!!!" For you see, this past Sunday, at the Unforgiven pay per watch, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, owner of the world's largest wrestling company had his face shoved up a 7 foot tall, 300 lb man's ass.
Then suddenly it dawned on me. As I knew why this event took place. This wasn't just a cheap stunt to score more repeat business to top UFC or TNA. No!!!! The ass shot heard round the world was a culmination of every single angle wrestling has run through the past ten years.
Trish retiring, JR getting burned, Nathan Jones, The Alliance, the Helmsey/McMahon era, the NWO, Miz, King Booker, RVD drinking and driving, Brian Pillman dying, Stone Cold beating up Booker in a supermarket, the Conquistadores, Spike TV, Kane losing to Kane from 10 years ago, the Zodiac, the Macho King, the Bret Hart screw job, Cryme Tyme, the Big Show being dragged away on his father grave, Eddie Guerro dying, the Highlanders vs. Sprirt Squad, WCW War Games, the Oinkettes, the Masterpiece looking not so Masterpiecish anymore, Halloween Havoc, Team Angle's velor suits, ECW by way WWE, the Zombie, Katie Vick, Bees and Man Law!! It all makes sense now. It was all leadup for this moment.
This revelation took place inside a Heck in a Cell, in which, the McMahon team of Shane and Vince flanked by honorary McMahon ECW champion Big Show looked to end the pranking days of the reunited DX team of HHH and HBK sans China.
The McMahons had a right to be angry. DX wrecked their plane and spray painted their headquarters. They responded by handing the DX'ers beat downs by a list of superstars and extrememists. Hell in the Cell was the culmination of this feud. One team was going in and the other was getting strechered out, but of course....
DX is not getting strechered out.
So the McMahons were left to take the big bumps inside a new Hell in the Cell structure. Bigger, badder and more unforgiving. The events that took place inside this deadly structure should not be relayed to virgin ears. The events are that deadly....and stinky...oh yeah stinky is a good word to describe this.
When the match began DX realized they were in for fight. Knowing they had to take the Big Show down first they immediately began to work over this testicles. Like Flair setting up the leg for the figure four, DX kicked the Big Show in the balls repeatedly until the chances of Show producing encores were slim.
The brutality on the Big Show would come to a close when HBK nailed him with a super kick. The ECW champ had just been nailed by a chair to the head while resting on the steel steps, so the top rope looked like a comfy place to rest his tired head. Vince being the only member of Team About to Lose left, stood in front of DX, using whatever strength he had left to motion to DX to bring it on like Neo from the Matrix. This just made DX dance!
Looking at the Big Show they dropped his extreme tights and displayed the extreme backside of the extreme champ. DX then took the beleaguered billionaire and then drove him face first into the ass romp of the Big Show. Turning and tearing through that grand canyon, Vince's soul warped through the star gate and came out on the other side as the star child. Too bad what was left of his brain and body did not make the trip.
Recoiling from his trip down Big Show ass lane, Vince stood up and then was levelved by sweet chin music. With Shane doing his best impression of a corpse and the Big Show pantless, Vince went down to his knees. The end was coming, he just needed someone to deliver the blow of sweet release. An obliging son-in-law, HHH went outside and brought back a sledgehammer. Sizing Vince up like Tiger Woods to a golf ball, HHH smashed the owner's head in like it was a watermelon at Gallagher show.
Thus, it was over. DX had won. Vince and Shane were dead. The Big Show was pantless. DX did their customary dance and let the paramedic do what he does best..... pick up the shatter pieces of the McMahons and the Big Show's pride. Good job Team McMahon, your contribution to wrestling will not be forgotten. And oh yeah....John Cena is the the new WWE champ. He was also boo'ed the whole time. I guess that's how baby faces get over these days.
Well after a week of no updating, I have returned to the blog to bring you some more silly developments in the world of non-collegiate pro wrestling.
I'm not the only one returning this week, the WWE came back to Madison Square Garden, the birthplace of big arena wrestling, to present this week's RAW and ECW shows.
Now I usually take a cynical position on these things, but to prove that I believe what I am saying, I am hooking myself up to the Lie Dect-a-tron 4000, in order to give you the straight lowdown, which is about as interesting as watching Jeff Hardy watch paint dry. After bringing in lie detecting consult Eric Young, whose on the level, I should pass this thing easily.
One week before the Unforgiven PPV and the exciting storylines of DX vs.the McMahons and John Cena/Edge have hit a outstanding high point crescendo.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Lie. The feuds are now as exciting as a Koko B Ware match inside War Games. Which come to think of it is pretty cool when you think about it.
RAW started out with the human punching bag Ric Flair, taking some well deserved bows for styling and profiling since the dinosaurs. This cued Umaga's Cuban manager to HA HA his boy into another match with Flair. Of course, this turned into the WWE's version of "Stomp" with Flair taking the place of the stage and the garbage cans.
Before Umaga could utter any more fake man-monster nah's and ugh's, classic man-monster Kane arrived to deal out some punishment. After trading blows with a seating device, Umaga stood victorious and also had the ability to sit down if he liked.
This sets up gimmick match #1 for Unforgiven. Kane vs Umaga in right to be called "monster" match. The winner gets to be called monster and make straight to DVD films for the Sci-Fi channel until their monster title is stripped. Exciting.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Lie The DX/McMahon feud will hopefully, for the love of god, end this Sunday. Vince boasted of his legacy at MSG pointing out how his spot on the walk of fame has dividers because "No one walks on Vincent Kennedy McMahon", not even his son-in-law- HHH.
90 minutes later HHH is beaten to a pulp by the aid of the rest of the locker room and Vinnie Mac salutes the sales of his new DVD.
This sets up gimmick match #2 - The McMahons and honorary McMahon - The Big Show face DX in a hell in the cell match. The Big Show will likely take the high bump by falling into a truck of manure.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Truth! By the looks on Edge face, he must still be feuding with John Cena. Yes, his anguish is my anguish as the never ending struggle between the R-rated superstar and the Marine continues. This week they were part of a 3-man tag match which wasn't very interesting unless you like to watch Jeff Hardy get beat up.
Gimmick Match #3 - Cena vs Edge - tables, ladders and chairs! If Cena loses he goes to Smackdown. So prepare to watch the Marine, fight the Vito in a dress and have Michael Cole, as Edge puts it, continue his man-crush.
Dect-a-tron 4000: Truth! He will most likely fight the leprechaun.
Nice to see Chris Masters is back and looking as masterpiecish as ever. Dect-a-tron 4000: Big time Lie! Trish Status had her last match on RAW, as she wrestled Nicki James in a classic contest. Dect-a-tron 4000: Truth!
She will be missed after Unforgiven, setting up gimmick match #4 - Trish wins - she quits - Trish loses - she quits - win- win for the fans
Dect-a-tron 4000: explodes. Looks like Eric Young guidance has failed me and my lie detector test machine. At least I don't share the fate of Jeff Jarrett who was informed last week that as a result of his lie detector failure he must get whipped by the fans and killed by Samoa Joe. That will show him for not booking more Norman Smiley!
On a side note, loving the Cryme Tyme!
Highlight of the Week - Paul Heyman admitting that he had to turn ECW into a sellout shill of its former self in order to book a show at the Garden. Let's hear it for vampires, helmeted goons, fired teachers, the reject, and Test matches!
The WWE this week bid a do to probably the greatest technical wrestler of all time, releasing Kurt Angle from his contract. Apparently, wrestling in the Olympics with a broken freaking neck and then making a living out of falling on your neck for 8 or so years does have an effect no matter how many surgeries you have had by a doctor named Chief Wahoo.
Angle was let go for health reasons, but remember no one ever retires from wrestling and the WWE is leaving the door open. So Jeff Jarrett can save some money on the Fed-EX envelope now and put off Kurt Angle's TNA hiring, title belt reign, loss to Jarrett and public execution by Jarrett's firing squad. Angle was the best of the modern wrestlers, no matter how many title squatch matches HHH has been involved in. He also had range playing from very silly to scary wrestling machine on a drop of a dime. There was no move that Angle didn't bust out, from leg locks to Angle saws. He made Brock Lesner highlight material, enough said.
If I had my say, I would make Angle a manager and bring back a new version of Team Angle, similar to what Shane Douglass is doing on TNA with the Naturals, but that's perfect world stuff.
Another ex-champion that will be taking a powder after Unforgiven is Trish Status. She puts the knockers in the can after years of being the women's champ and the women's champ #1 contender. In a division with like 2 wrestlers, you can see how Trish was always on top of her game in that regard. Next on the departure list, we have WWE Smackdown. Smackdown will be pulling up the tents and heading on over to the UPN-WB lovefest matchup known as the "CW". Finally, Smallville, Vericona Mars and Gilmore Girls on the same channel.
To bad I'll be watching Ugly Betty on ABC. OK maybe not.
Smackdown will be have a new cooler hipper feel to it. Holla Holla as the GM Teddy says. So let's see what we can expect on the new Smackdown. King Booker's Royal Court will bring back the Sexy Book's court is in serious need of the sexy that Justin Timberlake boasts that he's bringing back. Regal, Finley and the leprechaun were knighted last week, so you can now call them Sir Regal, Sir Finley and Sir Leprechaun. But the scandal will destroy the court, as Dave Batista goes undercover as a bar wench to woo the mighty king, creating a rift between Book, Mrs. Queen and Sir Leprechaun.
Vicki Guerreo = More Vicki Guerreo matches It was all hugs and kisses for Vicki until she nailed Rey Mysterio with the 4 point swerve with a folding chair, beating him up cause he was getting beat up by Chavo. Huh? The new CW storyline, an army of undead Guerreos join Vicki and Chavo to beat up Rey some more.
Congrats! You will now have Miz matches and say hello to Jimmy Wang, MVP and Terkay the Dinosaur Hunter CW means new talent even though the letters don't really stand for that? What do they stand for? Which is why Smackdown needs the hyper annoying Miz for the young people, Jimmy Wang for the Chinese rednecks, Terkay to mat wrestle T-Rexes, and MVP to continue his storyline of contract negotiation. Meaning weekly promos of him talking to his agent via cellphone. Heck would you want to wrestle Vito when he's got his dress fluttering in the wind? Also the return of the Boogey Man! Scooby Squad Tag Teams Veronica Mars works with her friends like a Scooby Squad, busting up mysteries. So for the CW we got new tag teams getting to the bottom of some Nancy Drew like mysteries. This week Paul London and Brian Kendrick discovered that K.C. James was actually cloned from the D.N.A cells of Midnight Express' Beautiful Bobby and Stunning Stan Lane. London and Kendrick destroy the lab before the Demolition clone comes to life.
Superpowered Wrestlers Geogory Helms will begin to defend the cruiser weight belt against non cruiser weights by developing the superpowers he once never had as the Hurricane. If only he could tell the woman he loved before he leaves to metropolis. Matt Hardy loses all his hair and swears revenge! On RAW, it looks like it's gimmick matches away with Edge and Cena going after one another in a table, ladders and chairs match. Vince, Shane and the Big Show vs. DX (again) in a hell in the cell. Johnny Nitro and Melena held a press conference to explain why they swerved Mick Foley or announce why Batista harassed her again. It was hard to tell.
On TNA it will be title vs career as Jarrett escorted his own private firing squad armed with machine guns to the ring. They kind of looked like helmeted cops from ECW didn't they! A fan threw a bottle at him and Jarrett responded by having him and family thrown off Planet Jarrett. I wished I had made that up but he actually said Planet Jarrett. I think it orbits Planet Hulk!!! Jarrett commented the he would put Sting in noose and watch him and his career die a slow death. Which I think is the cue for the firing squad to fire. Jim Cornette interrupted the proceedings by speakerphone. He commented on how great satellite feeds were and announced that Jarrett must take a polygraph test to uncover the depth of his mismanagement at TNA. If he failed the tennis racketed one will make his life a living hell. Speaking of hell, Brother Runt (Spike Dudley) found a new version of it losing a 1,000 tac match to Abyss. After the match, Raven followed up with more punishment on Spike because as the TNA website put it "James Mitchell (Abyss' manager) was telepathically controlling Runt's mind!" Now that's CW network worthy!! Highlight of the Week With the departure of Kurt Angle we salute the Velour Team Angle jumpsuit, possibly the greatest ring attire in wrestling history.
Looks like I should give up the prognostication business, as my dark cloudy crystal ball into Summerslam left me with a record of 3-30.
Looks like the WWE writers and myself are not seeing eye to eye, more like face to ass in this case. Good thing I wasn't the only one that applied to this week, as Mick Foley caught the broadside of a flying butt. In the interest of being professional, I thought I bring in an expert to help discuss this week's events, so without further ado by the power of the infinity gauntlet I bring to you: The floating head of the Bobby "The Brain" Heenan! Brain let our readers know its you and say something funny about Tito Santana. Brain: Tito Santana is like a cue-ball: The more you strike him, the more English you get out of him!. Delicious!
Up first we have the Summerslam match I got right between Chavo Guerreo and Rey Mysterio. With a screaming Vicki in the corner to monitor the damage, Chavo busted out the entire Eddie Guerreo move set to defeat the masked wannabe.
Brain: Did you know that Chavo holds a place in the Guinness Book of World Records?
Yeah, for what?
Brain: He picked over 1600 heads of lettuce in a half an hour.
Will you stop! It doesn't look like Chavo needs to concern himself with lettuce heads anymore since he won.
Brain: Yeah, he can move right on over to tomatoes! The DXer's overcame all the odds as the McMahons sent wave after the wave of Big Shows, leprechauns and Finlays to soften them up. These illegal moves were meant to set up DX for the kill, but the McMahons couldn't hold their end of up of the beating stick and took the loss. Brain: Those moves were legal! Don't you know greco roman hair pull when you see it! This would leave the McMahons in a surely mood the next night on RAW. Defeated and disgusted they kicked the Coach out of their office while he was bulking up his abs. DX would lighten the mood, as they hijacked Vinnie's private plane and sprayed painted it with a DX logo and spared us any "Snakes on a Plane" references. DX also sprayed painted the headquarters of WWE and the McMahons' limo, reducing Vince's power strut to a slow crawl. My condolences go to the WWE employee whose aerial view of the parking lot is now green.
Brain: "Do you know what KoKo B Ware calls his new hair style?"
No. What? Brain: Afroturf.
Randy's Road to Rapi...I mean dating Hogan's daughter is over. Let's see how it ended: Not good.
Brain: Hogan's entrance music! That's my second favorite song.
I'm almost afraid to ask - what's your favorite? Brain?
Brain: All the rest are tied And finally Foley as expected said "No Mas" to the Nature Boy, of course Cactus did get his shots in.
Brain: When Flair walked by he held up 4 fingers. That was the sign of the 4 Horsemen. When Hogan walked by I held up one finger.
If being Dude Love was not humiliating enough, Foley was forced to join the Vince McMahon kiss my ass club on RAW to defend the honor of Melena again. Hope you like your swerve with nuts in them.
In other news, Jeff Hardy crashed the introduction of Edge's new spinny belt. Forged in the lava of Mount Doom, the belt is basically the same as Cena's but now it's Rated R. Thankfully, the old belt was tossed in a river.
Hardy did his best impression of a TNA wrestler getting to fight the champ on his first appearance back, but it did look like he was hitting the extreme nachos a little hard while he was away. The Hardy-Edge tussle was broken up by the Doctor of Thug-o-nomics, who tossed Edge into the same watery grave as his spinny belt.
Anything to say before I wrap this up Brain?
Brain: The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they're allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce!
Highlight of the Week: Edge on Jeff Hardy's return to the ring: "Wow! Jeff Hardy!!!! Didn't you die like two years ago!!"
Now that summer is almost over, the WWE presents its seasonal rites of passage that transpires at the end of every August. Summerslam is this Sunday, so fire up your weiner roasters one more time and hopefully don't burn the place down like TNA did at the Hard Justice PPV.
Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerro The right to evoke Eddie Guerro's name on TV is on the line here as the now title- less Mysterio goes up against the once retired now back, now complaining Chavo. In the middle of all this we have Eddie's wife, Vicki, who will probably name the winner of this bout - Eddie Guerro guy 2006. Chavo's contention is that Mysterio is a “leech living off the blood of the Guerrero name,” Chavo said that Mysterio was trying to “steal the spotlight” by tying himself to Eddie Guerrero! Well duh, we still got warehouse full of "I lie, I cheat, I steal" T-shirts to sell. Winner:Chavo Guerro - The ghost of Eddie Guerro will take the over the hapless body of Mysterio's son Dominic. Eddie/Dominic will float into the ring and tell both combatants that their constant bickering has not allowed him to rest in peace. As a result, Eddie/Dominic shows off his great power by incinerating Vicki with a ray from his deadly eye beams.
He states that he will open a portal to hell that will engulf this plane of wrestling reality. As the portal opens, Rey offers himself as a sacrifice and 6-1-9's Eddie/Dominic, sending all of them through the dimesional riff. Chavo looks at the char which represents Eddie's wife now, looks at the ring annoucer and they hit his music to announce him the winner.
ECW World Title Match -Sabu vs. The Big Show - What no four way tussle between these two and Angle and RVD. Nope! The Big Show demonstrated his contract neogation skills by trying to grab the #1 contender contract to his title in the ladder match between RVD and Sabu. The logic is that if the Big Show is the #1 contender to his own belt, he can go to Summerslam lay down in the ring and pin himself and still be the champ, but now he would be 2- time champ! Sabu put one over on the giant by grabbing the contract first and eating it. Thus, making him the #1 contender forever! Winner - The Big Show - interference, interference, inteference. Everyone in ECW will probably be involved in this match. Olympic champions, gnarly dudes, homicidal gencidals, faceless police officers and even the exhibitionist girl too boot. Big Show retains the belt by yelling for a DQ and running out the arena. The narcs come and beat down who is left in the ring. This is hardcore extreme.
Randy Orton vs Hulk Hogan - Randy's road to rapi...I mean dating Hogan's daughter ends here as Mr. America looks to defend his daughter's honor and his neck from being legend killed. Winner: Randy Orton - After Hulking up and dropping the leg on the fallen legend killer, Brook Hogan shoots out of the entrance ramp driving the "Thunder in Paradise" speedboat. She tells daddy that she loves Randy. Hogan repiles "Let me tell ya something about love..brother!" Before we can hear his reflection on amor, Randy RKO's him for the win. The legend killer then become the virginity taker as he does Brook in the now aptly named Thunder in Paradise boat.
World Heavyweight Championship - King Booker vs Batista - Heavy is the head that wears the crown. After dimissing with lonely peasant after lonely peasant, Batista the Barbarian returns to take his lost crown from the King of the World!!!
Winner: All Hail King Booker!!! - Realizing that the end is near and his loyal subjects: Finlay, Regal and the leprechaun have all betrayed him. King Booker looks to his Queen for guidance. She skillfully slips some poison into a goblet. Before Batista gives the "Bastista Bomb", he says, "My victory is in hand, before I deal a crushing blow to the man who calls himself king I will enjoy this frosty mug of pale ale." Batista then holds his throat crying, "What treachery is this!! Bedeviled by brandy!!" He falls to the mat and King Booker pins him to retain the throne.
Mick Foley vs Ric Flair - "I Quit match" - Flair finally gets his shot after the beating of the "Foley is Good" book he delivered fed-ex style last week, pressing Foley back into action. Look for handcuffs, chair shots, dynamite, bleeding (lots of bleeding) in this old school classic of a match.
Winner - Ric Flair - Hard to win a I Quit match when you have good friends like Melena who can be hurt o so easy. Of course, Ric Flair is the man who made Terry Funk say these dreaded words. Also this match will feature lots of talking, screaming, you "broke my legs" and your book sucked comments.
The McMahons vs DX - After all the pomp and circumstance and Umanga matches this tag match finally comes to a head as its end game for the McMahons and the DXers. May this feud be buried next to the Great Khali.
Winner - The McMahons - This forcast was provided by the awe inspiring Swerve-A-Tron 500 a powerful supercomputer from the moon, whose sole purpose is to predict wrestling serves. The dot matrix print out tells me that after a hefty charitable payment to HBK's local church also called Shawn Michaels' Commerce Bank checking account. The sexy boy turns on the H'ster to make this feud continue into the fall season.
WWE Championship - John Cena vs Edge - Edge gets no respect. Sunday is his chance to prove that he is not a transitional champ (again) by going against the only guy he's been wrestling since like forever. It won't be easy though because if he gets DQ'ed he loses the spinny belt and the attention of everyone, as Cena would become like the 4X spinny belt champ or something ridiculous like that.
Winner - John Cena- Everything goes Edge's way until the trailer for the movie "The Marine" shows up on the Titian Tron. Edge says to Cena "You got a movie? That's utter crap!" "I got this from a movie too!" He then injects Cena with a chinese synethic drug called the Bejing Cocktail. The drug cuts off Cena's adrenaline till he's dead. The ring is then egulfed in flames and becomes snake infested!!! The Marine does an amazing spin kick, knocking off Edge's head like a football punted into the stands. Cena than covers the body for the win. Cena grabs the cure from Lita by wrapping a Cobra around her. Injecting himself with antidote to end the ppv.
Highlight of the Week - TNA - LAX beating up AJ Styles and the Fallen Angel in the middle of Jeff Jarrett's victory celeberation setup in the ring. Jarrett comes out yelling "This is my party, NOOOO!!!!" as the entire locker rooms empties to fight in the ring.
Good day to the three to four readers of the Foreign Object. This week's pulse raising edition will be a bit brief due to my update lateness and graduate school paper writing. But I'm going to take care of business like the McMahon's did on RAW as they did by taking out the mettlesome son-in-law, THE GAME.
It was HHH's turn to sell like eBay to Umanga, this week unstoppable man beast with a Cuban manager. HHH short on the protein drinks he pushes on TV, fell to the island savage and was then mocked in his defeat by the dad, who administered the pedigree to his grand daughter's father. YOUR OUT OF THE FAMILY!
Ric Flair finally finished reading through Mick Foley's second book "Foley is Good" and administered his own unique literary critique on the New York Times best seller. Seeing his literary dissertation get taken out to the woodshed, Foley came out to once again reiterate his no fight Flair policy. With Summer Slam around the corner, though, you knew this policy would give like a WWE announce table as Dude Love agreed to a I Quit Match. Hopefully Foley has learned something since his last no mas match with Rock and not say "I Quit" between now and Summer Slam.
Edge demanded most respect this week because he's got the spinny belt. I demand less Psych commercials on USA, but that ain't going to happen. Call me when you stop feuding with the Marine. Which by the way opens this fall.
Ugh, Robert Patrick been hitting the Twinkines. They are delicious!!
On ECW the bodies continued to hit the floor, where Sabu and Kurt Angle fought in a #1 contenders match to Big Show's small belt on a Big Man title. The winner turned out to be RVD who returned to the square circle with chair in hand and reduded both Angle and former ex best friend, then best friend now ex friend Sabu. So looks like we will have a four-way at Summer Slam as the Big Show will defend against a small army.
Eric Young been great on TNA, as I fully endorse his "Don't fire Eric Campaign". This week he gave cranky boss Jim Cornette some gifts to quell his surly attitude. They include some Tennessee Gin (Cornette: I'm from Kentucky! You moron!). Kentucky rum and a tennis racket that had Cornette's name written out in diamonds. Cornette ever thankful told him go take out Paparazti productions home of Alex Shelly, Johnny Devine and Kevin Nash, if Young wants to get back in his good graces.
The Daniels/Styles vs LAX tag team feud also continued with a nice match between Daniels and under used Homicide.
Programming note: for classic WWE matches tune into the Madison Square Garden network Wed. from 8-10 pm. Classic WWF matches from the MSG archive featuring everything from old promos to classic matches. Great Stuff, beats the smackdown out of RAW.
Highlight of the week Goes to the Samoa Joe and Ring of Honor's champ Bryan Danielson's one hour time limit draw this past Saturday. The blog will be starting to touch on some more Ring of Honor material so here's a preview of this weekend matches.
ECW/WWE continues to be the Two-Face of fake wrestling. Like the great Batman villain whose split personality was decided on the flip of a coin, ECW's continues to be god awful, while being really entertaining all at the same time.
Case in point - Batista vs.Big Show main evented this week's card with a BIG MAN A POOZLA match. The first person to hammer his opponent with a BIG ARM SMASH would be the winner. These slow lumbering colossuses engaged each other with speed of a turtle mixed with the agility of a whale. The fans knew what was ahead of them: punches, elbow drops and moving out of the corner as your opponent tries to squish you.
They responded by chanting "Same Old Shit!!!" and "Change the Channel". Yes, like people led to execution, the audience at the ECW taping did there best to warn you. In the end, Sabu would interfere to the surprise of no one, allowing Batista to escape with his pride and knowledge that he's going to be wrestling Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Kennedy in the near future.
Kenneddddddy!!!!!!!!!
Now on to the good of ECW, CM Punk debuted and had a wrestling match filled with wrestling moves. The Brooklyn Brawler made his return to the ring after cleaning up the streets- Brawler style. BB said that it was his destiny to become the ECW champ for this was new era, a new dawn of a new,....Kurt Angle's music?. As Angle approached the ring, the Brawler's head exploded into blood as he tried to look over the WWE's retirement plan. Once in Angle lock the Brawler's leg detached from his socket as Angle waved the mutilated appendage from one end of the ring to other. God bless the Brooklyn Brawler, we salute your talent enhancement skills. By the way how does someone from Brooklyn root for the Yankees.
RAW is silly this week was highlighted by the epic face down between Mick Foley and the Nature Boy. Foley introduced by gal pal Melena stated that in no way would he fight Ric Flair. Nope. Nada. No will do. It only took a few cheap pops to get the Nature Boy out of the back.
Seething with anger and what looked to rabies, Ric called out Foley, and did some elbow drops on to the imaginary opponent on the mat to everyone's delight. Cactus would have the last word though as he recounted to Flair the night Ric called his children to tell them that he loved them because you just never know with planes. Foley said he would never be able to show that degree of love for his children. He could never pick up the phone with Dewy and say "Son, Your father is in prison". Flair then went from a 10 to that last degree Spinal Tap had on their amps. Reduced to some sort of caveman gargle, flair demanded Foley to a Punjabi prison match or a slap-a-thon he didn't care. Flair wishes would be answered by Coach but once again shot down by a still not wrestling Dude Love. The rest of RAW was pretty much 1.5 hours of the acronym brothers HBK and HHH making fun of the McMahons. Showing off baby pictures of HHH's new offspring, what kind no talent twit would find comedy in that? (See last week's post).
We also had.... Randy's Road to Rapin.....I'm mean Dating Hogan's Daughter Step 3 - Create your own reality show and beat up your future girlfriend's family! Randy so relished his decimation of the acting troop#PS 139 that he even put a cherry on top by making out with the doppelganger of the girl he wants to date? Okay?
TNA has a good feud going with the Samoa Joe/Monty Brown/Rhino love triangle. Brown called Joe a hippophant (a mixture between elephant and a hippo, which by the way is now my new favorite animal, next to the Giger! (Giraffe + Tiger) and declared there was no room in the Serengeti for Hippopants and Rhinos or Gigers. They just deserve.....THE....POOOOOUUUUUUUUUNNNNNCE...PEROID. Somebody call National Geographic! Highlight of the Week - Madagascar wrestlers and Kevin Nash = classic youtubing.
My condolences goes out to those hardcore (there got to be like two of you out there!) WWE fans who ordered the Great American Bash PPV this past Sunday. If you did, you probably found nothing great or American about the event, but we can bash it and bash it good and that's what were here for.
Due to WWE's new "wellness policy", another term for being injury and drug free, pretty much the entire Smackdown roster was taken out. Lashley gone, Great Khali gone, Finlay's leprechaun - on the other end of the rainbow and Vinnie was looking for dresses. Faced with no ppv they changed most of the matches at the last minute, pulling off the old switcheroo. As a result, I'm going to pull the same thing and talk about Comic Con!!!! That's Galactus - eater of worlds - in a suit. There were Star Wars storm troopers at comic con and just as many virgins as well.
Back to the Bash and the first ever Punjabi Prison Match. What's a Punjabi Prison Match you say. Well only the Great Khali, his manager and the well traveled JBL knew for sure and no one was spilling the beans or in this case the Punjabi. Well since the Great Khali couldn't go against the Undertaker due to his lack of any wrestling skill, Teddy Long, GM and story mover, elected the Big Show for the match. The Big Show's reaction was "What the heck is a Punjabi Prison Match?" What indeed.
With the Show and Taker facing off, what we have is a classic Big Man wrestling match. So in that spirit the Foreign Object presents the theme music to Big Man wrestling. You may save it and play any time I write about large sized men brawling. Apparently, Punjabi Prison Match means really big poles in a ring match. Since the Big Show had no idea what he was doing he dropped the match to the dead man.
With that done. Mr. Kennedy was Mark Henry's replacement against Batista He did not fair so well.
In the main event, Rey Mysterio's long title reign for a very short man came to crashing halt as King Booker made the transformation to King Champ with a little help from the now evil Chavo Guerro. Take that naive. Have at thee!
On RAW, the Edge vs Cena merry go around continued as the two faced off in a tag team match. A couple of weeks ago, I commented about the similarities between Edge and Johnny Nitro. Well this week, they tagged and it was amazing. At times, I thought I saw 4 Edges in the ring getting there butts whipped by Cena and Nature Boy Ric Flair.
Speaking of old men. It's time for Part two of:
Randy's Road to rapin....I'm mean dating Hogan's daughter Step 2: Make Dad look like a bully Nothing will attract the attention of your prey better than by showing how much of a brute her father is. By taking a beating Randy is looking to fall into the comforting arms of pop singer/VH1 star Brooke Hogan. What'cha going do!
If you stuck around for the rest of RAW is now nowhere near WAR, you witnessed HBK get taken out by a now storylined pumped Umaga. Now if your wondering what about HHH. He could not attend due to prior engagements which I will refer to shortly. Foley continued to duck Flair for all the best reasons. I'm waiting for the day he gets stomped on from that set he's on in Stanford.
On TNA, Kevin Nash definitely needs some help against the X-Division. He needs to know their mindset, their moves, and what those lowly paid wrestlers are thinking. Enter wrestlers from Madagascar and two sided rings. Enjoy!
On ECW, well we had Vampires and nothing much else. CM Punk is on the horizon. Sabu is getting a title shot after taking out the Big Show in his match against Hollywood slasher flimstar Kane, concluding Big Show's tour de force big man wrestling theme week.
Highlight of the Week Can only go to the birth of HHH's and Stephanie McMahon's baby daughter Aurora Rose Levesque. I couldn't help but notice at what a odd name Aurora is. A point which was not loss on HHH.
Ever wonder what happens to those shiny title belts after a wrestling company goes into the hereafter. You would think the owner would keep the hardware as a memento to how much money he lost on the unprofitable business that is pro wrestling, but this is not always the case.
Sometimes the last champion, who by beating everyone in his path or who had no one to wrestle anymore before bankrupancy sets in, gets to hold on to the strap by fact that no one asked for it back. Rhino reminded us of this loop hole this week as he dove horn first into his basement to retrieve the ECW world heavyweight championship. Rhino opened TNA Impact by stating in the ring, that he was asked to come on aboard WWE's ECW floating garbage barge, but the War Machine declined the offer cause he's TNA EXTREME!!! (and under long term contract). Rhino was into it. Stating "Oh, I'm Feeling It" shouting about the lawyer letters that stated that he must return the ECW belt to Vince McMahon, who probably needed it for a DX skit. Rhino refused, and held the prize in a bag over his head. Whether the belt was in there or if it was Jake the Snake's Snake - Damien is your call. Rhino apparently feeling it some more, left the ring saying that he should done what he was about to do five years ago.
Here's what I think he should have done five years ago, but how business savvy can a War Machine be? Grumbling all the way to the parking lot, Rhino did his best impression of hobo, throwing the ECW title bag into an oil drum and lighting it on fire. Signifying the death of ECW and what not. Kind of unnecessary cause this week's ECW presented a better case that the extreme wrestling group was no more. Paul Heyman still has not explained why he screwed job RVD storyline wise, but when prompted for answer by Tommy Dreamer, Heyman shoved his tongue down the innovator's of violence throat, which I guess meant start the Test match now.
Test then battered a now love struck Dreamer. To further the whole death of ECW symbolism the Undertaker fought the Big Show in the main event with interference by the Great Khali. Yeah, sounds like ECW to me.
Now last week, WWE presented 7 hours of programming between the various network shows and Saturday Night's Main Event. Of those hours the only thing worth watching was Mick Foley calling out to Flair that there will be no rematch for him. No way, and how, not going to happen. This is funny because between Monty Brown, Rhino and the Big Show, these three have called out just about everyone in wrestling and a few death sport guys to a match. Mick said no way all the way from the safety of a TV studio. Like always, he's hardcore. Also John Cena learned some math.
Randy Orton's began his new angle, which I will feature in a little how-to-segment called:
Randy's road to rapi....I mean dating Hulk Hogan's daughter Step 1: Earn the girl's trust by challenging her father to match.
By challenging dear old and I mean old dad to a match, you prove to your prey that you are an upstanding gent. Hogan can relate because things were done like this in the caveman days, which believe happened during Hogan's feud with Big John Stud. Randy would come out the better man on this occasion when he RKO'd dad onto his own rent-a-car, much to the confusing of daughter Brooke. Other than that DX was so bored they spent their time hawking what could be the ugliest shirt ever. Compound that with a real Mark Henry injury during Saturday's Night Main Event and you have entertainment for all the wrong reasons.
When TNA wasn't burning belts, they had a PPV which ended with Sting getting a title shot against Jarrett at the next PPV. ECW may be dead but it looks like WCW is alive and well. Highlight of the Week -
Only one way it can end, with the GORE, GORE, GORE.....I'm feeling it.
Much to my surprise this week, new world champ with the spinny belt Edge, did not celebrate his second title reign with a public display of getting it on with the miss Lita. Instead, we were treated to a lifestyles of the rich and famous segment with the new champ showing off how the better half lives in four star hotels and the bars that accompany those four star hotels.
Edge took advantage of the all the world champ perks by abusing the hotel help. Little did he know that he would become the full embodiment of The Who's drummer Keith Moon when he ordered the hotel's soup du jour -cream of John Cena. Cena, already angry over Edge's play by play call of his match with Sheldon Benjamin from the R-Rated superstar announce table (no need to hit the SAP button on your remote), pummeled the world champ till he'd checked out.
Though learning that Edge likes orange drinks is nice, it wouldn't be a RAW without a hour plus of the DX comedy tour. Well surprise of all surprises - HHH and HBK pretty much took the show off, appearing only in the final five minutes to see the helpless Eugene score a win over Vince McMahon. A fitting payback, I think to Vinny Mac and Shane covering Eugene in green slime and flushing his head down the toilet. Though Eugene rebounded his career and dignity are still at the bottom of that bowl.
So without an hour plus of HHH or HBK you got. hmmmmmmmmmm...okay?
I haven't commented on the Miz for fear my head would explode from stupidity. The Miz is the head announcing cheerleader ass for Smackdown. The ultimate mark who gives the fans a preview of Smackdown's oh so great quality matches. In other words, the man blows his load on Mark Henry main events. Now we can digest him on RAW for the infernal Diva search challenge. I now wish I can flush my head down the potty along with Eugene.
Speaking of Smackdown, Batista returned and powered up to Super Sayian level 4.
Mark Henry answered Dave's cries of revenge for crippling him a couple months back, costing him the title and main eventing against Mark Henry. What a loss. Cue the Miz blowing his load. Before Mark Henry can say "Listen here fool I..........." He was beaten bloody by Devon Dudley's favorite deacon.
Beatings were the norm on ECW, where the Big Show defended his title against Ric Flair. Ric Flair who has never not made a big deal of chopping that giant down was also beaten to a pulp. This is par for the course for the Nature Boy, who has been receiving beatings since the Beatles were in vogue.
Flair would come on strong at the end, employing the blunt edge of a barb wired baseball bat and dropping the Big Show on a puddle of tacks. OUCH!!!! The Big Champ scored the win by choking slamming Flair onto the tacks. Flair was escorted out the ring with the help of an archeology group studying lost mummies as the crowd chanted "Thank You, Flair!" for a job well done.
In TNA, Kevin Nash refuses to disappoint. His plan to destroy the X-Division continued when he tied up Chris Sabin in a body bag and brought out his corpse to the ring for mocking. Nash said from his corporate meeting room equipped with a blackboard and table straight out the headquarters of the Justice League of America, that the bodybag represented the ultimate humiliation and that there was no recovering from it. It's a gimmick we haven't seen in like................2 whole weeks. Right on, Big Kev. In the ring, Nash pleaded for his 2 million dollar reward stating that he had bagged Osma Bin Laden. Instead it was just Sabin Bin Laden. Sabin would be rescued Jay Lethal as Nash would go on to freedom fight another day.
TNA did end this week with the usual nonsense of Sting fighting Double J. Sting yelled "Jarrett you are a cancer. You are tumor and I will remove you!!!" He then applied the Scorpion death lock just before my DVR ended it. The image on my screen was of Sting crapping on Jarrett. Yup, you guessed it I hit erase on the menu.
And in case you missed it Ron "The Truth" Killings put out a music video. Enjoy.
This is definitely director's Uncle Pooty's best work.
Highlight of the Week Joey Styles - "Let me repeat this for historical purposes. Ric Flair has just hit the Big Show with a barb wire baseball bat."
Sometime Sunday night I felt a disturbance in the surreal ether of wrestle crap. Something had upset the natural forces of things. In the voice of Dave Bowman from 2010 something had happened "Something WONDERFUL!!!" For you see, this past Sunday, at the Unforgiven pay per watch, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, owner of the world's largest wrestling company had his face shoved up a 7 foot tall, 300 lb man's ass.
Trish retiring, JR getting burned, Nathan Jones, The Alliance, the Helmsey/McMahon era, the NWO, Miz, King Booker, RVD drinking and driving, Brian Pillman dying, Stone Cold beating up Booker in a supermarket, the Conquistadores, Spike TV, Kane losing to Kane from 10 years ago, the Zodiac, the Macho King, the Bret Hart screw job, Cryme Tyme, the Big Show being dragged away on his father grave, Eddie Guerro dying, the Highlanders vs. Sprirt Squad, WCW War Games, the Oinkettes, the Masterpiece looking not so Masterpiecish anymore, Halloween Havoc, Team Angle's velor suits, ECW by way WWE, the Zombie, Katie Vick, Bees and Man Law!! It all makes sense now. It was all leadup for this moment.
Looking at the Big Show they dropped his extreme tights and displayed the extreme backside of the extreme champ. DX then took the beleaguered billionaire and then drove him face first into the ass romp of the Big Show. Turning and tearing through that grand canyon, Vince's soul warped through the star gate and came out on the other side as the star child. Too bad what was left of his brain and body did not make the trip.
