Dragon Slayer

Promotional Poster for WWE's No Mercy. If you weren't Hailing King Booker already, you better get a start on it.

WAAAAAHHHH, WAAAAAAHHH

Looks like I should give up the prognostication business, as my dark cloudy crystal ball into Summerslam left me with a record of 3-30.

Looks like the WWE writers and myself are not seeing eye to eye, more like face to ass in this case. Good thing I wasn't the only one that applied to this week, as Mick Foley caught the broadside of a flying butt.

In the interest of being professional, I thought I bring in an expert to help discuss this week's events, so without further ado by the power of the infinity gauntlet I bring to you:

The floating head of the Bobby "The Brain" Heenan!

Brain let our readers know its you and say something funny about Tito Santana.

Brain: Tito Santana is like a cue-ball: The more you strike him, the more English you get out of him!.

Delicious!

Up first we have the Summerslam match I got right between Chavo Guerreo and Rey Mysterio. With a screaming Vicki in the corner to monitor the damage, Chavo busted out the entire Eddie Guerreo move set to defeat the masked wannabe.

Brain: Did you know that Chavo holds a place in the Guinness Book of World Records?

Yeah, for what?

Brain: He picked over 1600 heads of lettuce in a half an hour.

Will you stop! It doesn't look like Chavo needs to concern himself with lettuce heads anymore since he won.

Brain: Yeah, he can move right on over to tomatoes!

The DXer's overcame all the odds as the McMahons sent wave after the wave of Big Shows, leprechauns and Finlays to soften them up. These illegal moves were meant to set up DX for the kill, but the McMahons couldn't hold their end of up of the beating stick and took the loss.

Brain: Those moves were legal! Don't you know greco roman hair pull when you see it!

This would leave the McMahons in a surely mood the next night on RAW. Defeated and disgusted they kicked the Coach out of their office while he was bulking up his abs. DX would lighten the mood, as they hijacked Vinnie's private plane and sprayed painted it with a DX logo and spared us any "Snakes on a Plane" references. DX also sprayed painted the headquarters of WWE and the McMahons' limo, reducing Vince's power strut to a slow crawl. My condolences go to the WWE employee whose aerial view of the parking lot is now green.

Brain: "Do you know what KoKo B Ware calls his new hair style?"

No. What?

Brain: Afroturf.

Randy's Road to Rapi...I mean dating Hogan's daughter is over. Let's see how it ended:

Not good.

Brain: Hogan's entrance music! That's my second favorite song.

I'm almost afraid to ask - what's your favorite? Brain?

Brain: All the rest are tied

And finally Foley as expected said "No Mas" to the Nature Boy, of course Cactus did get his shots in.

Brain: When Flair walked by he held up 4 fingers. That was the sign of the 4 Horsemen. When Hogan walked by I held up one finger.

If being Dude Love was not humiliating enough, Foley was forced to join the Vince McMahon kiss my ass club on RAW to defend the honor of Melena again.

Hope you like your swerve with nuts in them.

In other news, Jeff Hardy crashed the introduction of Edge's new spinny belt. Forged in the lava of Mount Doom, the belt is basically the same as Cena's but now it's Rated R. Thankfully, the old belt was tossed in a river.

Hardy did his best impression of a TNA wrestler getting to fight the champ on his first appearance back, but it did look like he was hitting the extreme nachos a little hard while he was away. The Hardy-Edge tussle was broken up by the Doctor of Thug-o-nomics, who tossed Edge into the same watery grave as his spinny belt.

Anything to say before I wrap this up Brain?

Brain: The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they're allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce!

Highlight of the Week:

Edge on Jeff Hardy's return to the ring: "Wow! Jeff Hardy!!!! Didn't you die like two years ago!!"

Summerslammed

Now that summer is almost over, the WWE presents its seasonal rites of passage that transpires at the end of every August. Summerslam is this Sunday, so fire up your weiner roasters one more time and hopefully don't burn the place down like TNA did at the Hard Justice PPV.

Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerro
The right to evoke Eddie Guerro's name on TV is on the line here as the now title- less Mysterio goes up against the once retired now back, now complaining Chavo. In the middle of all this we have Eddie's wife, Vicki, who will probably name the winner of this bout - Eddie Guerro guy 2006. Chavo's contention is that Mysterio is a “leech living off the blood of the Guerrero name,” Chavo said that Mysterio was trying to “steal the spotlight” by tying himself to Eddie Guerrero! Well duh, we still got warehouse full of "I lie, I cheat, I steal" T-shirts to sell.

Winner: Chavo Guerro - The ghost of Eddie Guerro will take the over the hapless body of Mysterio's son Dominic. Eddie/Dominic will float into the ring and tell both combatants that their constant bickering has not allowed him to rest in peace. As a result, Eddie/Dominic shows off his great power by incinerating Vicki with a ray from his deadly eye beams.

He states that he will open a portal to hell that will engulf this plane of wrestling reality. As the portal opens, Rey offers himself as a sacrifice and 6-1-9's Eddie/Dominic, sending all of them through the dimesional riff. Chavo looks at the char which represents Eddie's wife now, looks at the ring annoucer and they hit his music to announce him the winner.

ECW World Title Match -Sabu vs. The Big Show - What no four way tussle between these two and Angle and RVD. Nope! The Big Show demonstrated his contract neogation skills by trying to grab the #1 contender contract to his title in the ladder match between RVD and Sabu. The logic is that if the Big Show is the #1 contender to his own belt, he can go to Summerslam lay down in the ring and pin himself and still be the champ, but now he would be 2- time champ! Sabu put one over on the giant by grabbing the contract first and eating it. Thus, making him the #1 contender forever!

Winner - The Big Show - interference, interference, inteference. Everyone in ECW will probably be involved in this match. Olympic champions, gnarly dudes, homicidal gencidals, faceless police officers and even the exhibitionist girl too boot. Big Show retains the belt by yelling for a DQ and running out the arena. The narcs come and beat down who is left in the ring. This is hardcore extreme.

Randy Orton vs Hulk Hogan - Randy's road to rapi...I mean dating Hogan's daughter ends here as Mr. America looks to defend his daughter's honor and his neck from being legend killed.

Winner: Randy Orton - After Hulking up and dropping the leg on the fallen legend killer, Brook Hogan shoots out of the entrance ramp driving the "Thunder in Paradise" speedboat. She tells daddy that she loves Randy. Hogan repiles "Let me tell ya something about love..brother!" Before we can hear his reflection on amor, Randy RKO's him for the win. The legend killer then become the virginity taker as he does Brook in the now aptly named Thunder in Paradise boat.

World Heavyweight Championship - King Booker vs Batista - Heavy is the head that wears the crown. After dimissing with lonely peasant after lonely peasant, Batista the Barbarian returns to take his lost crown from the King of the World!!!

Winner: All Hail King Booker!!! - Realizing that the end is near and his loyal subjects: Finlay, Regal and the leprechaun have all betrayed him. King Booker looks to his Queen for guidance. She skillfully slips some poison into a goblet. Before Batista gives the "Bastista Bomb", he says, "My victory is in hand, before I deal a crushing blow to the man who calls himself king I will enjoy this frosty mug of pale ale." Batista then holds his throat crying, "What treachery is this!! Bedeviled by brandy!!" He falls to the mat and King Booker pins him to retain the throne.

Mick Foley vs Ric Flair - "I Quit match" - Flair finally gets his shot after the beating of the "Foley is Good" book he delivered fed-ex style last week, pressing Foley back into action. Look for handcuffs, chair shots, dynamite, bleeding (lots of bleeding) in this old school classic of a match.

Winner - Ric Flair - Hard to win a I Quit match when you have good friends like Melena who can be hurt o so easy. Of course, Ric Flair is the man who made Terry Funk say these dreaded words. Also this match will feature lots of talking, screaming, you "broke my legs" and your book sucked comments.

The McMahons vs DX - After all the pomp and circumstance and Umanga matches this tag match finally comes to a head as its end game for the McMahons and the DXers. May this feud be buried next to the Great Khali.

Winner - The McMahons - This forcast was provided by the awe inspiring Swerve-A-Tron 500 a powerful supercomputer from the moon, whose sole purpose is to predict wrestling serves. The dot matrix print out tells me that after a hefty charitable payment to HBK's local church also called Shawn Michaels' Commerce Bank checking account. The sexy boy turns on the H'ster to make this feud continue into the fall season.

WWE Championship - John Cena vs Edge - Edge gets no respect. Sunday is his chance to prove that he is not a transitional champ (again) by going against the only guy he's been wrestling since like forever. It won't be easy though because if he gets DQ'ed he loses the spinny belt and the attention of everyone, as Cena would become like the 4X spinny belt champ or something ridiculous like that.

Winner - John Cena- Everything goes Edge's way until the trailer for the movie "The Marine" shows up on the Titian Tron. Edge says to Cena "You got a movie? That's utter crap!" "I got this from a movie too!" He then injects Cena with a chinese synethic drug called the Bejing Cocktail. The drug cuts off Cena's adrenaline till he's dead. The ring is then egulfed in flames and becomes snake infested!!! The Marine does an amazing spin kick, knocking off Edge's head like a football punted into the stands. Cena than covers the body for the win. Cena grabs the cure from Lita by wrapping a Cobra around her. Injecting himself with antidote to end the ppv.

Highlight of the Week - TNA - LAX beating up AJ Styles and the Fallen Angel in the middle of Jeff Jarrett's victory celeberation setup in the ring. Jarrett comes out yelling "This is my party, NOOOO!!!!" as the entire locker rooms empties to fight in the ring.

Taking Care of Business

Good day to the three to four readers of the Foreign Object. This week's pulse raising edition will be a bit brief due to my update lateness and graduate school paper writing. But I'm going to take care of business like the McMahon's did on RAW as they did by taking out the mettlesome son-in-law, THE GAME.

It was HHH's turn to sell like eBay to Umanga, this week unstoppable man beast with a Cuban manager. HHH short on the protein drinks he pushes on TV, fell to the island savage and was then mocked in his defeat by the dad, who administered the pedigree to his grand daughter's father. YOUR OUT OF THE FAMILY!

Ric Flair finally finished reading through Mick Foley's second book "Foley is Good" and administered his own unique literary critique on the New York Times best seller.

Seeing his literary dissertation get taken out to the woodshed, Foley came out to once again reiterate his no fight Flair policy. With Summer Slam around the corner, though, you knew this policy would give like a WWE announce table as Dude Love agreed to a I Quit Match. Hopefully Foley has learned something since his last no mas match with Rock and not say "I Quit" between now and Summer Slam.

Edge demanded most respect this week because he's got the spinny belt. I demand less Psych commercials on USA, but that ain't going to happen. Call me when you stop feuding with the Marine. Which by the way opens this fall.


Ugh, Robert Patrick been hitting the Twinkines. They are delicious!!

On ECW the bodies continued to hit the floor, where Sabu and Kurt Angle fought in a #1 contenders match to Big Show's small belt on a Big Man title. The winner turned out to be RVD who returned to the square circle with chair in hand and reduded both Angle and former ex best friend, then best friend now ex friend Sabu. So looks like we will have a four-way at Summer Slam as the Big Show will defend against a small army.

Eric Young been great on TNA, as I fully endorse his "Don't fire Eric Campaign". This week he gave cranky boss Jim Cornette some gifts to quell his surly attitude. They include some Tennessee Gin (Cornette: I'm from Kentucky! You moron!). Kentucky rum and a tennis racket that had Cornette's name written out in diamonds. Cornette ever thankful told him go take out Paparazti productions home of Alex Shelly, Johnny Devine and Kevin Nash, if Young wants to get back in his good graces.

The Daniels/Styles vs LAX tag team feud also continued with a nice match between Daniels and under used Homicide.

Programming note: for classic WWE matches tune into the Madison Square Garden network Wed. from 8-10 pm. Classic WWF matches from the MSG archive featuring everything from old promos to classic matches. Great Stuff, beats the smackdown out of RAW.

Highlight of the week
Goes to the Samoa Joe and Ring of Honor's champ Bryan Danielson's one hour time limit draw this past Saturday. The blog will be starting to touch on some more Ring of Honor material so here's a preview of this weekend matches.

Change the Channel

ECW/WWE continues to be the Two-Face of fake wrestling. Like the great Batman villain whose split personality was decided on the flip of a coin, ECW's continues to be god awful, while being really entertaining all at the same time.

Case in point - Batista vs.Big Show main evented this week's card with a BIG MAN A POOZLA match. The first person to hammer his opponent with a BIG ARM SMASH would be the winner. These slow lumbering colossuses engaged each other with speed of a turtle mixed with the agility of a whale. The fans knew what was ahead of them: punches, elbow drops and moving out of the corner as your opponent tries to squish you.

They responded by chanting "Same Old Shit!!!" and "Change the Channel". Yes, like people led to execution, the audience at the ECW taping did there best to warn you. In the end, Sabu would interfere to the surprise of no one, allowing Batista to escape with his pride and knowledge that he's going to be wrestling Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Kennedy in the near future.

Kenneddddddy!!!!!!!!!

Now on to the good of ECW, CM Punk debuted and had a wrestling match filled with wrestling moves. The Brooklyn Brawler made his return to the ring after cleaning up the streets- Brawler style. BB said that it was his destiny to become the ECW champ for this was new era, a new dawn of a new,....Kurt Angle's music?. As Angle approached the ring, the Brawler's head exploded into blood as he tried to look over the WWE's retirement plan. Once in Angle lock the Brawler's leg detached from his socket as Angle waved the mutilated appendage from one end of the ring to other. God bless the Brooklyn Brawler, we salute your talent enhancement skills. By the way how does someone from Brooklyn root for the Yankees.

RAW is silly this week was highlighted by the epic face down between Mick Foley and the Nature Boy. Foley introduced by gal pal Melena stated that in no way would he fight Ric Flair. Nope. Nada. No will do. It only took a few cheap pops to get the Nature Boy out of the back.

Seething with anger and what looked to rabies, Ric called out Foley, and did some elbow drops on to the imaginary opponent on the mat to everyone's delight. Cactus would have the last word though as he recounted to Flair the night Ric called his children to tell them that he loved them because you just never know with planes.

Foley said he would never be able to show that degree of love for his children. He could never pick up the phone with Dewy and say "Son, Your father is in prison". Flair then went from a 10 to that last degree Spinal Tap had on their amps. Reduced to some sort of caveman gargle, flair demanded Foley to a Punjabi prison match or a slap-a-thon he didn't care. Flair wishes would be answered by Coach but once again shot down by a still not wrestling Dude Love.

The rest of RAW was pretty much 1.5 hours of the acronym brothers HBK and HHH making fun of the McMahons. Showing off baby pictures of HHH's new offspring, what kind no talent twit would find comedy in that? (See last week's post).

We also had....

Randy's Road to Rapin.....I'm mean Dating Hogan's Daughter
Step 3 - Create your own reality show and beat up your future girlfriend's family!

Randy so relished his decimation of the acting troop#PS 139 that he even put a cherry on top by making out with the doppelganger of the girl he wants to date? Okay?

TNA has a good feud going with the Samoa Joe/Monty Brown/Rhino love triangle. Brown called Joe a hippophant (a mixture between elephant and a hippo, which by the way is now my new favorite animal, next to the Giger! (Giraffe + Tiger) and declared there was no room in the Serengeti for Hippopants and Rhinos or Gigers. They just deserve.....THE....POOOOOUUUUUUUUUNNNNNCE...PEROID. Somebody call National Geographic!

Highlight of the Week - Madagascar wrestlers and Kevin Nash = classic youtubing.

The Old Switch'eroo

My condolences goes out to those hardcore (there got to be like two of you out there!) WWE fans who ordered the Great American Bash PPV this past Sunday. If you did, you probably found nothing great or American about the event, but we can bash it and bash it good and that's what were here for.

Due to WWE's new "wellness policy", another term for being injury and drug free, pretty much the entire Smackdown roster was taken out. Lashley gone, Great Khali gone, Finlay's leprechaun - on the other end of the rainbow and Vinnie was looking for dresses. Faced with no ppv they changed most of the matches at the last minute, pulling off the old switcheroo. As a result, I'm going to pull the same thing and talk about Comic Con!!!! That's Galactus - eater of worlds - in a suit. There were Star Wars storm troopers at comic con and just as many virgins as well.


Back to the Bash and the first ever Punjabi Prison Match. What's a Punjabi Prison Match you say. Well only the Great Khali, his manager and the well traveled JBL knew for sure and no one was spilling the beans or in this case the Punjabi. Well since the Great Khali couldn't go against the Undertaker due to his lack of any wrestling skill, Teddy Long, GM and story mover, elected the Big Show for the match. The Big Show's reaction was "What the heck is a Punjabi Prison Match?" What indeed.

With the Show and Taker facing off, what we have is a classic Big Man wrestling match. So in that spirit the Foreign Object presents the theme music to Big Man wrestling. You may save it and play any time I write about large sized men brawling. Apparently, Punjabi Prison Match means really big poles in a ring match. Since the Big Show had no idea what he was doing he dropped the match to the dead man.

With that done. Mr. Kennedy was Mark Henry's replacement against Batista

He did not fair so well.

In the main event, Rey Mysterio's long title reign for a very short man came to crashing halt as King Booker made the transformation to King Champ with a little help from the now evil Chavo Guerro. Take that naive. Have at thee!

On RAW, the Edge vs Cena merry go around continued as the two faced off in a tag team match. A couple of weeks ago, I commented about the similarities between Edge and Johnny Nitro. Well this week, they tagged and it was amazing. At times, I thought I saw 4 Edges in the ring getting there butts whipped by Cena and Nature Boy Ric Flair.

Speaking of old men. It's time for Part two of:

Randy's Road to rapin....I'm mean dating Hogan's daughter
Step 2: Make Dad look like a bully

Nothing will attract the attention of your prey better than by showing how much of a brute her father is. By taking a beating Randy is looking to fall into the comforting arms of pop singer/VH1 star Brooke Hogan. What'cha going do!

If you stuck around for the rest of RAW is now nowhere near WAR, you witnessed HBK get taken out by a now storylined pumped Umaga. Now if your wondering what about HHH. He could not attend due to prior engagements which I will refer to shortly. Foley continued to duck Flair for all the best reasons. I'm waiting for the day he gets stomped on from that set he's on in Stanford.

On TNA, Kevin Nash definitely needs some help against the X-Division. He needs to know their mindset, their moves, and what those lowly paid wrestlers are thinking. Enter wrestlers from Madagascar and two sided rings. Enjoy!



On ECW, well we had Vampires and nothing much else. CM Punk is on the horizon. Sabu is getting a title shot after taking out the Big Show in his match against Hollywood slasher flimstar Kane, concluding Big Show's tour de force big man wrestling theme week.

Highlight of the Week

Can only go to the birth of HHH's and Stephanie McMahon's baby daughter Aurora Rose Levesque. I couldn't help but notice at what a odd name Aurora is. A point which was not loss on HHH.

Oh! I'm Feeling It!

Ever wonder what happens to those shiny title belts after a wrestling company goes into the hereafter. You would think the owner would keep the hardware as a memento to how much money he lost on the unprofitable business that is pro wrestling, but this is not always the case.

Sometimes the last champion, who by beating everyone in his path or who had no one to wrestle anymore before bankrupancy sets in, gets to hold on to the strap by fact that no one asked for it back. Rhino reminded us of this loop hole this week as he dove horn first into his basement to retrieve the ECW world heavyweight championship.

Rhino opened TNA Impact by stating in the ring, that he was asked to come on aboard WWE's ECW floating garbage barge, but the War Machine declined the offer cause he's TNA EXTREME!!! (and under long term contract). Rhino was into it. Stating "Oh, I'm Feeling It" shouting about the lawyer letters that stated that he must return the ECW belt to Vince McMahon, who probably needed it for a DX skit. Rhino refused, and held the prize in a bag over his head. Whether the belt was in there or if it was Jake the Snake's Snake - Damien is your call. Rhino apparently feeling it some more, left the ring saying that he should done what he was about to do five years ago.

Here's what I think he should have done five years ago, but how business savvy can a War Machine be? Grumbling all the way to the parking lot, Rhino did his best impression of hobo, throwing the ECW title bag into an oil drum and lighting it on fire. Signifying the death of ECW and what not. Kind of unnecessary cause this week's ECW presented a better case that the extreme wrestling group was no more.

Paul Heyman still has not explained why he screwed job RVD storyline wise, but when prompted for answer by Tommy Dreamer, Heyman shoved his tongue down the innovator's of violence throat, which I guess meant start the Test match now.

Test then battered a now love struck Dreamer. To further the whole death of ECW symbolism the Undertaker fought the Big Show in the main event with interference by the Great Khali. Yeah, sounds like ECW to me.

Now last week, WWE presented 7 hours of programming between the various network shows and Saturday Night's Main Event. Of those hours the only thing worth watching was Mick Foley calling out to Flair that there will be no rematch for him. No way, and how, not going to happen. This is funny because between Monty Brown, Rhino and the Big Show, these three have called out just about everyone in wrestling and a few death sport guys to a match. Mick said no way all the way from the safety of a TV studio. Like always, he's hardcore.

Also John Cena learned some math.

Randy Orton's began his new angle, which I will feature in a little how-to-segment called:

Randy's road to rapi....I mean dating Hulk Hogan's daughter
Step 1: Earn the girl's trust by challenging her father to match.

By challenging dear old and I mean old dad to a match, you prove to your prey that you are an upstanding gent. Hogan can relate because things were done like this in the caveman days, which believe happened during Hogan's feud with Big John Stud. Randy would come out the better man on this occasion when he RKO'd dad onto his own rent-a-car, much to the confusing of daughter Brooke.

Other than that DX was so bored they spent their time hawking what could be the ugliest shirt ever. Compound that with a real Mark Henry injury during Saturday's Night Main Event and you have entertainment for all the wrong reasons.

When TNA wasn't burning belts, they had a PPV which ended with Sting getting a title shot against Jarrett at the next PPV. ECW may be dead but it looks like WCW is alive and well.

Highlight of the Week -

Only one way it can end, with the GORE, GORE, GORE.....I'm feeling it.

You Can Check In, But You Can't Check Out

Much to my surprise this week, new world champ with the spinny belt Edge, did not celebrate his second title reign with a public display of getting it on with the miss Lita. Instead, we were treated to a lifestyles of the rich and famous segment with the new champ showing off how the better half lives in four star hotels and the bars that accompany those four star hotels.

Edge took advantage of the all the world champ perks by abusing the hotel help. Little did he know that he would become the full embodiment of The Who's drummer Keith Moon when he ordered the hotel's soup du jour -cream of John Cena. Cena, already angry over Edge's play by play call of his match with Sheldon Benjamin from the R-Rated superstar announce table (no need to hit the SAP button on your remote), pummeled the world champ till he'd checked out.

Though learning that Edge likes orange drinks is nice, it wouldn't be a RAW without a hour plus of the DX comedy tour. Well surprise of all surprises - HHH and HBK pretty much took the show off, appearing only in the final five minutes to see the helpless Eugene score a win over Vince McMahon. A fitting payback, I think to Vinny Mac and Shane covering Eugene in green slime and flushing his head down the toilet. Though Eugene rebounded his career and dignity are still at the bottom of that bowl.

So without an hour plus of HHH or HBK you got.

hmmmmmmmmmm...okay?

and.....

Miiiiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I haven't commented on the Miz for fear my head would explode from stupidity. The Miz is the head announcing cheerleader ass for Smackdown. The ultimate mark who gives the fans a preview of Smackdown's oh so great quality matches. In other words, the man blows his load on Mark Henry main events. Now we can digest him on RAW for the infernal Diva search challenge. I now wish I can flush my head down the potty along with Eugene.


Speaking of Smackdown, Batista returned and powered up to Super Sayian level 4.

Mark Henry answered Dave's cries of revenge for crippling him a couple months back, costing him the title and main eventing against Mark Henry. What a loss. Cue the Miz blowing his load. Before Mark Henry can say "Listen here fool I..........." He was beaten bloody by Devon Dudley's favorite deacon.

Beatings were the norm on ECW, where the Big Show defended his title against Ric Flair. Ric Flair who has never not made a big deal of chopping that giant down was also beaten to a pulp. This is par for the course for the Nature Boy, who has been receiving beatings since the Beatles were in vogue.

Flair would come on strong at the end, employing the blunt edge of a barb wired baseball bat and dropping the Big Show on a puddle of tacks. OUCH!!!! The Big Champ scored the win by choking slamming Flair onto the tacks. Flair was escorted out the ring with the help of an archeology group studying lost mummies as the crowd chanted "Thank You, Flair!" for a job well done.

In TNA, Kevin Nash refuses to disappoint. His plan to destroy the X-Division continued when he tied up Chris Sabin in a body bag and brought out his corpse to the ring for mocking. Nash said from his corporate meeting room equipped with a blackboard and table straight out the headquarters of the Justice League of America, that the bodybag represented the ultimate humiliation and that there was no recovering from it. It's a gimmick we haven't seen in like................2 whole weeks. Right on, Big Kev. In the ring, Nash pleaded for his 2 million dollar reward stating that he had bagged Osma Bin Laden. Instead it was just Sabin Bin Laden. Sabin would be rescued Jay Lethal as Nash would go on to freedom fight another day.

TNA did end this week with the usual nonsense of Sting fighting Double J. Sting yelled "Jarrett you are a cancer. You are tumor and I will remove you!!!" He then applied the Scorpion death lock just before my DVR ended it. The image on my screen was of Sting crapping on Jarrett. Yup, you guessed it I hit erase on the menu.

And in case you missed it Ron "The Truth" Killings put out a music video. Enjoy.

This is definitely director's Uncle Pooty's best work.

Highlight of the Week

Joey Styles - "Let me repeat this for historical purposes. Ric Flair has just hit the Big Show with a barb wire baseball bat."

Up in Smoke

Dude Dude Dude.

One day your on top of the world spinning your title and the next thing you know your suspended and have nothing to hold up your pants. Welcome to the gnarly world of Rob Van Dam. Dude!

In case you haven't heard Mr. Whole F'ing Show and his suicidal, genocidal, homicidal pal Sabu were pulled over this week by police and were arrested for having marijuana and five pills of vicodin in their possession. A pain suppressing pill for Sabu! Go fig.

Though RVD and Sabu were able to break out of prison, by giving a guard a vandaminator, the WWE would cut down their freedom by looking into the matter and eventually suspending them.

But how do you suspend the guy with all the titles? Declare Rey Mysterio the one true champ? Give Van Dam a fake injury and void the belts? Nah! Not embarrassing enough. RVD would drop both belts as quickly as possible. So fast he would have to check if he was still on the roster.

So for the RAW main event, Edge walked away with gold in a triple threat match. Thus, if you throw out the last 4 months of wrestling storyline, its like Edge never lost the belt and he was not a transitional champion. When you look at the big picture though, everyone been a transitional champ as the belt been hotter than a potato.


Think it about, though, on RAW the world champ is Edge and the IC champ is Johnny Nitro, whose is diet Edge. If these guys tagged it would be like the bash brothers again. Who is who? I can't tell?

Anyway, RAW this week was on the fourth of July holiday or at least it seemed like it with the number of squatch matches on the card and DX hijinks. I switched over to TNT to make sure WCW Nitro wasn't broadcasting from some college campus to make sure I wasn't in 1999 again.

DX's quest for more TV time was taken to a new degree as they didn't even have to step into the building in order to receive a hour plus worth of time. After the shit happens incident of last week, McMahon posted some goons to block the DX'ers entrance into the arena.

With the night off, DX held a barbecue of debauchery, cooking burgers and debasing women left and right. It's good to be the king isn't it. Since they devoted only 30 minutes to that - DX took over the TV truck and the rest of the show. In a inspired bit they made McMahon look like Daffy Duck in those cartoons Bugs Bunny animated.

ECW has been improving as of late cause they are now five feet deep instead of the six feet burial alive mode of the past couple of weeks. Being in Philly, the fans were bat shit crazy making even a large stadium theirs. Kudos to fans for telling Mike Knox he can't wrestle and that Test took steroids.

RVD would once again be in full bummer mode as his dishonorable discharge continued against the Big Show. Paul Heyman made mention of RVD's schedule of late and how he was wrestling every biggie in the business. At this rate, he will be wrestling Kevin Nash in a X-division match next week. RVD said wrestling everything in sight is what extreme is all about and Heyman mumbled yeah sure which is wrestling speak for screw job ahead according to the swerve-a-tron 5000 super computer.

The swerve with a waffle cone came when RVD pinned the Big Show, but had no referee to count and re-dude him ECW champ. Heyman came in the ring and gave the Rock's 1-2-oh it doesn't matter who wins! A shock RVD muttered, "Et tu Paul Heyman!". As the Big Show snuck up about as much as a seven foot giant can and choke slammed the suspended one onto a chair and took the title for which he can not wear for he is so large.

One more note on ECW, CM Punk made his talking debut. Showing off his Pepsi Cola Tat. He's hardcore.

On Smackdown, you had the premiere of the new Pitbulls tag team. This time its Jamie Noble and Kid Kash. They wear dog collars like the old Pitbulls, but they don't piledrive women through tables or get thrusted around by the medical halos they are wearing.

The main event was King Book vs Lashley in a steel cage match with the US belt on the line. Book gave the line of the week in trying to get out of the affair saying ,"You don't put kings in cages. You put presidents in cages, dogs in cages, HOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOESSSSSS in cages." Well said Book, but you still lost, like a dirty Hobo.

And....................................


Vito went shopping!!! Ratings!!!! CW Network here we come.

On TNA, the new face of TNA mis-management - Jim Cornette, held the first ever company wide meeting. Figuring this is the promotion's first meeting would explain a lot doesn't it. The tennis racketed one declared the following from his perch on high in the ring:

1. America's Most Wanted and Gail Kim will take on the tag champs A.J. Styles and the Fallen Angel with that man-woman thing. Cornette is fully versed on the current roster.

2. Team Canada your disbanded!! This sent poor Coach Scott D'Amore, whose is in a neckbrace due to the beating he took by the War Machine Rhino, flying back about as far as a Dragon Ball Z villain punched by Goku. Can you disband a country? Sure.

3. Earl Hebner your fired. Crowd chants your screwed Brett on cue.

4. Larry Zybesko must wrestle Raven in a (deep breath) What's left on Zybesko's head in terms of hair vs. the mess on Raven's head match. Get out your clippers.

5. Samoa Joe, Scott Steiner, Sting and Christian Cage will have to fight each other in a 4 on 4 match to see who is the number#1 contender to.......

6. New champ......Jeff Jarrett. You know if you take a time machine back about 3 months its like he never lost the be.....

Highlight of the Week - Goes to the RVD/Sabu mess. It's hard to believe that this stuff never happened before? Or did it??????

Ht by a Chair

Won't be updating this week shenagins, involving HHH and HBK becoming the chairman and son and watching the shit hit the fan or....the spirit squad. My tour of the mexican wrestling circuit is almost over and I will be taking on the champ, Senor Punch to the Nuts.

Will be back to regular posting next week.

Chock Full of Ass

This week was all about the behind in the wrestling world. You saw the Coach's ass, midgets' asses and a King of the Mountain match ending that was ass. What brought on this plethora of buttocks to your television monitor? Let's start with the return of 2/5th of DX.

The official DX reunion was this week, but with Billy Gunn and the Road Dog being involved in a "Bingo Hall Brawl" on the TNA Slammiversy and X-Pac being well you know not allowed to wrestle for the betterment of humanity, the WWE put together what was left of DX, the acronym asses, and let them go wild with their antics.

And what antics they were.

SLIME!

The Spirit Squad fell for the old "You Can't Do That on Television" bit by saying I don't know in the ring. Pouring from the heavens as if God himself deemed this wrong, the slime came, washing away the impurities of these cheerleading asses.

The high school antics weren't done yet. Word got out that Stephanie was pregnant and the proud grand dad Vince went running to welcome the birth of the fake child of the man that he is feuding with. Makes sense to me.

Antic #3 involved putting the Coach's head through a wall and spray painting DX on the assistant GM's ass. More NWOish than DXish, but they did it with a smile and oh yeah it was also really gay as well. I don't need a discussion about the Coach's thong.

The topper was bringing out a set of midgets dressed like the Spirit Squad, beating them up and having the pee wees' take down their pants to reveal the two words they all want us to say.

HHH's and HBK's comedy act had hit a Martin & Lewis level of genius. Abbot & Costello only dreamed of such comedy heights. HHH was so proud of the act he had this to say in the back. Now it's Man Law!!!!

Sabu brought the leg drop this week, in what was an outstanding leap from the top rope. Sabu placed John Cena onto the TV annoucers' table and jumped on the top rope from a chair in the ring. When Sabu reached the rope he stopped ordered a pizza and leapt onto Cena's dead husk of head.

This scene would carry over into ECW the next day, with Cena challenging Sabu to some confounded weapons lumberjack match at Vengenance. How can you use weapons unless the lumberjacks throw them in? This already sounds like a stinker roo of an idea for the ppv this Sunday.

Slammiversary was also in town this week, marking the fourth year of TNA's existence. The main event was the long debated King of the Mountain Match. Skipping most of the match due to my not seeing it, Jeff Jarret reclaimed the title he loses and wins every 3 months with the help of Larry Zbyszko and Earl Hebner.

The crowd sensing the on coming 3 months of a Double J title reign belted the ring with anything they could find. Cups, programs, and Spike Dudley. The new face of TNA management Jim Cornette would step in and void the title cause of the assiness of the ppv ending. Leaving many questions open to whose pants that belt will hold up for Thursday's airing of Impact.

Kevin Nash competed in his second X-Division match ever by defeating Chris Saban, thus completing his 3 Keys to Life. Big Daddy Cool brought every move out of the closet but it was the interference of little buddy Alex Shelly on what seemed like 99 different occasions that really sealed it up.

Samoa Joe beat Scott Steiner. I mean the guy called Joe a fat half breed. He was going to get murdered.

Team 3D defeated the James Gang in the "interactive" match of the night as the TNA website called it. This meant that the crowd was carrying weapons. Team 3D did cross unknowingly into the Spanish announcing table, which Konan and LAX has deemed as New Mexico or no admittance for gringos por favor. Thus Team 3D were pounded till they were back on TNA soil.

The funniest of part of the AJ Styles/Fallen Angel vs. America Most Wanted match for the tag belts was crowd chanting "Brokeback Mountain". AMW would take the ass pounding and drop the belts. UGH. Chock full of Ass this Week.

Highlight of the Week:

Macho Libre: OH YEAH!!!! SAY EVERYTHING TWICE!!!
SAY EVERYTHING TWWWWW.......IIIIII.....ICCCCEEEEE!!!!!
SNAP INTO IT!!!!

The Dictator

More Japanese Pride hilarity. This time this promo bit takes way too long, but if you ever wanted to see a speech by Street Fighter II endboss M. Bison look a like here you go.

D.O.A.

He arrived in the ring wearing tethered flannel. His face blue, like the life had been sucked out of him.

He had been through much. Death, rebirth and new found life, only to find himself here - in front thousands. Women, men and even children looked on in amusement as he grabbed the microphone. Knowing that the circumstances of his return were staged and carried out.

This was his moment to shine. To show the world that he was not just a gimmick. He took the microphone, raised to his lips and said...................

URAGGHAGHGAHGHGHGHFRLUYHFFFHGAHGHA

He was then sticked....to death.

By a very mean drunk.

How's that for drama. That was the fate of "The Zombie" this week, but it also represented the fate of ECW. Bet you didn't see that analogy coming like a Mack truck did you.

ECW held their returned to wrestling rings this past Sunday with the second One Night Stand. This time apparently they got the reach around at the end.

The One Night Stand was a solid PPV. Sure the matches weren't much to cry home about (TAZ vs. Lawler), but the ECW always had one thing no other promotion had - bat shit crazy wrestling fans willing to scream obscenities at wrestlers for 3 hours. Now that's what my friend who invited me to see this PPV was paying for.

The match of the night, in my book, was the Funk-Dreamer Connection vs. The Foley-R rated Superstar Express. You got Dreamer beaten to a pulp. Funk yelling "My EYE, MY EYE, sonofitch took my EYE!!!!" Foley lit on fire and sent crashing through a barbwire board, where he joined sometimes dad-the funker. CAT FIGHT!!!!!!!! CAT FIGHT!!!!!!!! between Beulah and Lita, and Edge scoring the win by ass pounding Dreamer's wife. Fun.

RVD vs. Cena was what it was. Though you may never be able to remake the love the fans have for Cena. Sure they threw his shirt back every time he threw it back out into the crowd, but look at this way- it was shoddy merchandise to begin with. I was surprised that no left a Cleveland steamer in there between the hustle and loyalty font design.

Rey Mysterio vs the homicidal genocidal particidal leprechauncidal Sabu was interesting if you like chairs being used as lightsabers, but if your best ending is a high pitch doctor saying they're done you should go back to the planning chart. Nash can draw it for you. More on that later.

Throw in some alright matches between the FBI/Tajiri-Supercrazy pairing and Balls Mahoney vs. Tanaka in a chairoff and you had a good return to action for the defunk ECW.

Now take all that good will. Pleasent memories, and say goodbye to them now. Cause this promotion dropped it down the toliet, like Kevin Sullivan's head in that WCW anywhere goes match with Chris Benoit, when it debuted on the Sci-Fi channel this past Tuesday.

First thing. It was filmed during Smackdown. In a big ass arena with fans who couldn't care less. Not the bat shit crazies explained above, but the little guys who like Cena and leprechauns. So the juice of the PPV was gone.

Two - No roster. What are there 7 guys and Starman from Nintendo Pro Wrestling? They were all in the battle royale from hell with people swinging dumb WWE hardcore weapons. (Where are the staples guns and New Jack). Sabu won the honors by tossing out the Big Show. His prize to face John Cena at the next PPV. Yes you saw that on Raw last week but now you can pay for it. Good for you.

Three - If you hire a stripper, make sure she can strip. That bra was padlocked together. Better yet don't include this dumbass waste of 3 minutes. Only komowannalaya should dance on top of the ECW arena and it ends there. Unless course the girl gets piledrived by Pitbull#2.

Four - It's an hour show, I don't need 23 commercial breaks. If you stop it, I might watch Android Apocalyse.

Will ECW get its act together. Maybe. Oh wait a Gangrel promo, guess not.

Ok enough of WWE I'm disgusted, but on a sidenote DX came back.


Yeah, I know since they were always wrestling together in the same promotion its like they never left. Now they do the that crotch thing and such..........yeah.

TNA has now become the Kevin Nash's show of exposition. Nash's plan which is diagramed on poster paper in colorful markers, detail the destruction of the X-Division by revealing that it can not stand up to the might of Big Daddy Cool.

Remeber to Nash, cruiserweights are meant to be used like harpoons on trailers not to steal valuable PPV time when it can be used to gang up on some guy and spray NWO on his back.


That gets a WHOA!!!! From Alex Shelly!

The King of the Mountain match is settled with the man called Sting taking the final slot after Scott Steiner was disqualified in their matchup for JJ interferance.

Steiner was angry with the heave ho said he wasn't leaving the ring unless someone made him. Unfortunately a Samoa Joe match was next and Joe thought Steiner was interrupting his kill jobber time. The two exchanged eyeball time until they started mixing it up and then the security came to break it up.

Highlight of the Week - Kevin Nash's 3 steps to life!!! WHOA!!!

This Just in…ECW PPV This Sunday

Hey did you hear? The WWE will be having an ECW ppv this Sunday! What do you mean you know? Oh, right the company has sold this event with the subtly of HHH swinging his mallet.

This was very apparent last night with the Head to Head show on USA (AL Snow is in charge of naming wrestling specials now). Swerves were made, long rambling speeches about bingo halls were given and announcers spent the whole show arguing and putting one another in TAZmissions. JR’s cowboy hat has never got this much mike time before.

No WWE vs. ECW show could take place without a lot guys clubbing each other in the ring at one time. So in order to control the proceedings, the powers that book decided to hold a battle royale with WWE wrestlers on one side and ECW thugs on the other. WWE spearheaded by four star general the Big Show pumped the wrestlers up, telling them to put aside their differences, such as Finlay making Lashley kiss King Booker’s boot on Smackdown like the peasant he is. The Big Show speech was so rousing I was pumped.

ECW was led by human suplex machine Kurt Angle who yelled about integrity and intelligence. Who knew he would be right about the intelligence part?

When the match started you first notice that the WWE guys are much bigger the ECW people and what you saw was probably the most god-awful royale with lots of cheese ever. Nothing made sense, Nuzio was eliminating guys twice his size and what not. When the smoke cleared only Angle was left with pretty much the whole WWE roster in the ring. He then went into suplex mode tossing out everyone except Randy Orton and the Big Show. Orton took out a distracted Angle for the win.

Or so you think.

General Big Show stood up ripped off his RAW shirt to reveal an ECW tee. Orton nuts then hit the ground. The former Big RED one tossed out the legend killer for the win. Thus, the new wrestling law was born that if you wrestle for a company you must have your undershirt inspected before the match.

The night would not be complete though without a Foley-Funk face off of old man wrestling. This carnage took place during the Tommy Dreamer-Edge match, who by the way looked they were old man wrestling as well. The Funker and Foley would playfully mix it up at the end of the match. What followed was classic story time with Uncle Mick as he recounted his dangerous acts in the past and that they would be reenacted this Sunday. Come On pony up those ppv dollars.

The main event featured John Cena vs. Sabu in a what do I do now match. One can’t put on consecutive wrestling moves, while the other can’t move literally. The lack of ring action was made up by the four announcers calling it. They spent most of time arguing and fighting with another. This was a good thing cause JR was quiet all night, no matter how many times Joey Styles mentioned his barbeque sauce.

Whew.

In non-ECW ppv news, the HHH’ster was forced to join the Mr. McMahon Kiss my Ass Club on RAW, so that he would learn the lesson of don’t mess with big man. To move things along Shane drugged HHH’s water the some sort of date rape drug, so that the father and son combo could have his way with him. Disturbing you bet! A picture is worth a thousand words so here you go.

leading to....

You can pretty much fill in the events from there.

Kane now haunted by his clone for another dimension faced off with his Doppelganger in a boiler room. The shorter Kane-prime, (for you comic book people) dispensed with his genetic companion to continue the story for another day.

In TNA news, JJ will be moving on to king of the mountain after taking out Raven from the proceedings. Samoa Joe explained why he turned his back on Sting by saying the match was over. DUH. I went to take a shower. The Dudleys’ turned in a hysterical promo and A.J. Styles and the fallen angel got their rematch against AMW. I say it should be a beers on pole match.

Highlight of the Night: (Not an exact quote but close enough):

Joey Styles: I want to call wrestling matches not sports entertainment. I don’t want to call a match with Finley’s leprechaun.
King: What Leprechaun? What are you talking about?
Styles: Finlay has a leprechaun on Smackdown. Watch the damn product King!

The Ring Entrance

Here's a video of what could be the greatest ring entrance of all time. How the Pride Fight ended is anyone's guess.