Ht by a Chair

Won't be updating this week shenagins, involving HHH and HBK becoming the chairman and son and watching the shit hit the fan or....the spirit squad. My tour of the mexican wrestling circuit is almost over and I will be taking on the champ, Senor Punch to the Nuts.

Will be back to regular posting next week.

Chock Full of Ass

This week was all about the behind in the wrestling world. You saw the Coach's ass, midgets' asses and a King of the Mountain match ending that was ass. What brought on this plethora of buttocks to your television monitor? Let's start with the return of 2/5th of DX.

The official DX reunion was this week, but with Billy Gunn and the Road Dog being involved in a "Bingo Hall Brawl" on the TNA Slammiversy and X-Pac being well you know not allowed to wrestle for the betterment of humanity, the WWE put together what was left of DX, the acronym asses, and let them go wild with their antics.

And what antics they were.

SLIME!

The Spirit Squad fell for the old "You Can't Do That on Television" bit by saying I don't know in the ring. Pouring from the heavens as if God himself deemed this wrong, the slime came, washing away the impurities of these cheerleading asses.

The high school antics weren't done yet. Word got out that Stephanie was pregnant and the proud grand dad Vince went running to welcome the birth of the fake child of the man that he is feuding with. Makes sense to me.

Antic #3 involved putting the Coach's head through a wall and spray painting DX on the assistant GM's ass. More NWOish than DXish, but they did it with a smile and oh yeah it was also really gay as well. I don't need a discussion about the Coach's thong.

The topper was bringing out a set of midgets dressed like the Spirit Squad, beating them up and having the pee wees' take down their pants to reveal the two words they all want us to say.

HHH's and HBK's comedy act had hit a Martin & Lewis level of genius. Abbot & Costello only dreamed of such comedy heights. HHH was so proud of the act he had this to say in the back. Now it's Man Law!!!!

Sabu brought the leg drop this week, in what was an outstanding leap from the top rope. Sabu placed John Cena onto the TV annoucers' table and jumped on the top rope from a chair in the ring. When Sabu reached the rope he stopped ordered a pizza and leapt onto Cena's dead husk of head.

This scene would carry over into ECW the next day, with Cena challenging Sabu to some confounded weapons lumberjack match at Vengenance. How can you use weapons unless the lumberjacks throw them in? This already sounds like a stinker roo of an idea for the ppv this Sunday.

Slammiversary was also in town this week, marking the fourth year of TNA's existence. The main event was the long debated King of the Mountain Match. Skipping most of the match due to my not seeing it, Jeff Jarret reclaimed the title he loses and wins every 3 months with the help of Larry Zbyszko and Earl Hebner.

The crowd sensing the on coming 3 months of a Double J title reign belted the ring with anything they could find. Cups, programs, and Spike Dudley. The new face of TNA management Jim Cornette would step in and void the title cause of the assiness of the ppv ending. Leaving many questions open to whose pants that belt will hold up for Thursday's airing of Impact.

Kevin Nash competed in his second X-Division match ever by defeating Chris Saban, thus completing his 3 Keys to Life. Big Daddy Cool brought every move out of the closet but it was the interference of little buddy Alex Shelly on what seemed like 99 different occasions that really sealed it up.

Samoa Joe beat Scott Steiner. I mean the guy called Joe a fat half breed. He was going to get murdered.

Team 3D defeated the James Gang in the "interactive" match of the night as the TNA website called it. This meant that the crowd was carrying weapons. Team 3D did cross unknowingly into the Spanish announcing table, which Konan and LAX has deemed as New Mexico or no admittance for gringos por favor. Thus Team 3D were pounded till they were back on TNA soil.

The funniest of part of the AJ Styles/Fallen Angel vs. America Most Wanted match for the tag belts was crowd chanting "Brokeback Mountain". AMW would take the ass pounding and drop the belts. UGH. Chock full of Ass this Week.

Highlight of the Week:

Macho Libre: OH YEAH!!!! SAY EVERYTHING TWICE!!!
SAY EVERYTHING TWWWWW.......IIIIII.....ICCCCEEEEE!!!!!
SNAP INTO IT!!!!

The Dictator

More Japanese Pride hilarity. This time this promo bit takes way too long, but if you ever wanted to see a speech by Street Fighter II endboss M. Bison look a like here you go.

D.O.A.

He arrived in the ring wearing tethered flannel. His face blue, like the life had been sucked out of him.

He had been through much. Death, rebirth and new found life, only to find himself here - in front thousands. Women, men and even children looked on in amusement as he grabbed the microphone. Knowing that the circumstances of his return were staged and carried out.

This was his moment to shine. To show the world that he was not just a gimmick. He took the microphone, raised to his lips and said...................

URAGGHAGHGAHGHGHGHFRLUYHFFFHGAHGHA

He was then sticked....to death.

By a very mean drunk.

How's that for drama. That was the fate of "The Zombie" this week, but it also represented the fate of ECW. Bet you didn't see that analogy coming like a Mack truck did you.

ECW held their returned to wrestling rings this past Sunday with the second One Night Stand. This time apparently they got the reach around at the end.

The One Night Stand was a solid PPV. Sure the matches weren't much to cry home about (TAZ vs. Lawler), but the ECW always had one thing no other promotion had - bat shit crazy wrestling fans willing to scream obscenities at wrestlers for 3 hours. Now that's what my friend who invited me to see this PPV was paying for.

The match of the night, in my book, was the Funk-Dreamer Connection vs. The Foley-R rated Superstar Express. You got Dreamer beaten to a pulp. Funk yelling "My EYE, MY EYE, sonofitch took my EYE!!!!" Foley lit on fire and sent crashing through a barbwire board, where he joined sometimes dad-the funker. CAT FIGHT!!!!!!!! CAT FIGHT!!!!!!!! between Beulah and Lita, and Edge scoring the win by ass pounding Dreamer's wife. Fun.

RVD vs. Cena was what it was. Though you may never be able to remake the love the fans have for Cena. Sure they threw his shirt back every time he threw it back out into the crowd, but look at this way- it was shoddy merchandise to begin with. I was surprised that no left a Cleveland steamer in there between the hustle and loyalty font design.

Rey Mysterio vs the homicidal genocidal particidal leprechauncidal Sabu was interesting if you like chairs being used as lightsabers, but if your best ending is a high pitch doctor saying they're done you should go back to the planning chart. Nash can draw it for you. More on that later.

Throw in some alright matches between the FBI/Tajiri-Supercrazy pairing and Balls Mahoney vs. Tanaka in a chairoff and you had a good return to action for the defunk ECW.

Now take all that good will. Pleasent memories, and say goodbye to them now. Cause this promotion dropped it down the toliet, like Kevin Sullivan's head in that WCW anywhere goes match with Chris Benoit, when it debuted on the Sci-Fi channel this past Tuesday.

First thing. It was filmed during Smackdown. In a big ass arena with fans who couldn't care less. Not the bat shit crazies explained above, but the little guys who like Cena and leprechauns. So the juice of the PPV was gone.

Two - No roster. What are there 7 guys and Starman from Nintendo Pro Wrestling? They were all in the battle royale from hell with people swinging dumb WWE hardcore weapons. (Where are the staples guns and New Jack). Sabu won the honors by tossing out the Big Show. His prize to face John Cena at the next PPV. Yes you saw that on Raw last week but now you can pay for it. Good for you.

Three - If you hire a stripper, make sure she can strip. That bra was padlocked together. Better yet don't include this dumbass waste of 3 minutes. Only komowannalaya should dance on top of the ECW arena and it ends there. Unless course the girl gets piledrived by Pitbull#2.

Four - It's an hour show, I don't need 23 commercial breaks. If you stop it, I might watch Android Apocalyse.

Will ECW get its act together. Maybe. Oh wait a Gangrel promo, guess not.

Ok enough of WWE I'm disgusted, but on a sidenote DX came back.


Yeah, I know since they were always wrestling together in the same promotion its like they never left. Now they do the that crotch thing and such..........yeah.

TNA has now become the Kevin Nash's show of exposition. Nash's plan which is diagramed on poster paper in colorful markers, detail the destruction of the X-Division by revealing that it can not stand up to the might of Big Daddy Cool.

Remeber to Nash, cruiserweights are meant to be used like harpoons on trailers not to steal valuable PPV time when it can be used to gang up on some guy and spray NWO on his back.


That gets a WHOA!!!! From Alex Shelly!

The King of the Mountain match is settled with the man called Sting taking the final slot after Scott Steiner was disqualified in their matchup for JJ interferance.

Steiner was angry with the heave ho said he wasn't leaving the ring unless someone made him. Unfortunately a Samoa Joe match was next and Joe thought Steiner was interrupting his kill jobber time. The two exchanged eyeball time until they started mixing it up and then the security came to break it up.

Highlight of the Week - Kevin Nash's 3 steps to life!!! WHOA!!!

This Just in…ECW PPV This Sunday

Hey did you hear? The WWE will be having an ECW ppv this Sunday! What do you mean you know? Oh, right the company has sold this event with the subtly of HHH swinging his mallet.

This was very apparent last night with the Head to Head show on USA (AL Snow is in charge of naming wrestling specials now). Swerves were made, long rambling speeches about bingo halls were given and announcers spent the whole show arguing and putting one another in TAZmissions. JR’s cowboy hat has never got this much mike time before.

No WWE vs. ECW show could take place without a lot guys clubbing each other in the ring at one time. So in order to control the proceedings, the powers that book decided to hold a battle royale with WWE wrestlers on one side and ECW thugs on the other. WWE spearheaded by four star general the Big Show pumped the wrestlers up, telling them to put aside their differences, such as Finlay making Lashley kiss King Booker’s boot on Smackdown like the peasant he is. The Big Show speech was so rousing I was pumped.

ECW was led by human suplex machine Kurt Angle who yelled about integrity and intelligence. Who knew he would be right about the intelligence part?

When the match started you first notice that the WWE guys are much bigger the ECW people and what you saw was probably the most god-awful royale with lots of cheese ever. Nothing made sense, Nuzio was eliminating guys twice his size and what not. When the smoke cleared only Angle was left with pretty much the whole WWE roster in the ring. He then went into suplex mode tossing out everyone except Randy Orton and the Big Show. Orton took out a distracted Angle for the win.

Or so you think.

General Big Show stood up ripped off his RAW shirt to reveal an ECW tee. Orton nuts then hit the ground. The former Big RED one tossed out the legend killer for the win. Thus, the new wrestling law was born that if you wrestle for a company you must have your undershirt inspected before the match.

The night would not be complete though without a Foley-Funk face off of old man wrestling. This carnage took place during the Tommy Dreamer-Edge match, who by the way looked they were old man wrestling as well. The Funker and Foley would playfully mix it up at the end of the match. What followed was classic story time with Uncle Mick as he recounted his dangerous acts in the past and that they would be reenacted this Sunday. Come On pony up those ppv dollars.

The main event featured John Cena vs. Sabu in a what do I do now match. One can’t put on consecutive wrestling moves, while the other can’t move literally. The lack of ring action was made up by the four announcers calling it. They spent most of time arguing and fighting with another. This was a good thing cause JR was quiet all night, no matter how many times Joey Styles mentioned his barbeque sauce.

Whew.

In non-ECW ppv news, the HHH’ster was forced to join the Mr. McMahon Kiss my Ass Club on RAW, so that he would learn the lesson of don’t mess with big man. To move things along Shane drugged HHH’s water the some sort of date rape drug, so that the father and son combo could have his way with him. Disturbing you bet! A picture is worth a thousand words so here you go.

leading to....

You can pretty much fill in the events from there.

Kane now haunted by his clone for another dimension faced off with his Doppelganger in a boiler room. The shorter Kane-prime, (for you comic book people) dispensed with his genetic companion to continue the story for another day.

In TNA news, JJ will be moving on to king of the mountain after taking out Raven from the proceedings. Samoa Joe explained why he turned his back on Sting by saying the match was over. DUH. I went to take a shower. The Dudleys’ turned in a hysterical promo and A.J. Styles and the fallen angel got their rematch against AMW. I say it should be a beers on pole match.

Highlight of the Night: (Not an exact quote but close enough):

Joey Styles: I want to call wrestling matches not sports entertainment. I don’t want to call a match with Finley’s leprechaun.
King: What Leprechaun? What are you talking about?
Styles: Finlay has a leprechaun on Smackdown. Watch the damn product King!

The Ring Entrance

Here's a video of what could be the greatest ring entrance of all time. How the Pride Fight ended is anyone's guess.

ECW lands on The Cylon Network

The WWE announced that the Sci-Fi network will air the ECW weekly re-launch show starting on Tuesday, June 13 at 10:00 p.m. Sci-Fi, which is the sister station to the USA network - home of RAW and where characters are welcome, diversify its programming slate which includes science-fiction shows such as Battlestar Galactica, Battlestar Galactica, and Battlestar Galactica.

Number 8, a cylon network spokesman, said "Bubbububbubububbububububbubu" about the relaunch and then gunned down three reporters.

ECW returns after airing on TNA in its non-wwe days and on the Prime network, a syndication block that aired locally in nyc on the msg network at two in the morning.

Sci-Fi hopes ECW leads its viewers to its other quality programming such as Dracula 3000 and the sixth HellRaiser movie.

One more note from RAW that I missed with a bit of remorse was Kane coming face to face with Kane from Earth-2. The Earth deuce Kane sported that pre-crisis Kane look, sloppingly choking slamming his reconned counterpart, much to surprise of JR, who now wonders who burned him?

Earth-2 Kane will now probably run among the WWE, using his super strength to knock off spirit squad members heads off and reminding us of the Katie Vick story plot points.