E = MC2 = Final Crisis simplified

DC comics' crossover event Final Crisis finished up last week to a number of confused readers wailing out to the cosmos "What the hell was that about?". Though, mind boggling at first, I came to an understanding with Final Crisis after a second, third and fourth reading.

Writer Grant Morrison takes no pity on the poor reader in issue 7, turning what seemed like a straight take over the world story into a end of all things cluster bomb. Midway through the issue the universe is destroyed and brought back again. Superman creates a god machine and fights the ultimate comic book evil in Mandrakk. So yeah, stuff went down in those 40 pages.

So in the interest of bringing forth understanding and knowledge, I will try to summarize the story in simple bullet points.

-The New Gods of the DC Universe died and were reborn into mortals.

-The DC heroes find the god - Orion dead. What can kill a god? Answer: A bullet fired from the future. Batman knows this and everything else.

-Barry Allen "The Flash" comes back to life. Martian Manhunter does not.

-Hal Jordan is accused of killing Orion by an Alpha Green Lantern. Gets taken away to OA for trial.

-Alpha Lantern is a reborn evil god that takes Batman hostage to a underground lair.

-Darkseid is reborn. The Anti-life equation is set loose on the Internet. Everyone turns into a brainwashed zombie by reading their morning email.

-Darkseid gives the thumbs down.

-Superman's beloved Lois Lane is on life support and dying. Supes goes on amazing journey through the multiverse involving Captain Marvel and bunch of other Supermen to save her life. He fights Mandrakk in 3D and comes back to save Lois.

-Meanwhile (Superfriend star swoosh) back on Earth, time and space come apart because Darkseid can't run things worth a dick.

-The Guardians tell Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corp, you guys have 24 hours to save Earth..get to it. They do.

-Batman escapes a chair that probes his mind for any sort of historical continuity. He meets Darkseid fully briefed on the situation because of course Batman's a badass! Batman then shoots Darkseid with the time bullet, poisoning him with radon. Darkseid shoots the Super Bat with the OMEGA SANCTION. The beam that is death but not death too...yeah move on..., and it reduces Batman to skeletal granola.

-Superman after wrapping up an amazing adventure with the Legion of Superheroes in the 31st century, is shown the god machine by Brainiac 5. The machine can make anything come true!!! Superman looks at it in a instant and memorizes how to build it in the past with his super brain. He then comes back to the present, finds Batman sans body weight in the bunker, and confronts Darkseid.

-Darkseid's body is killed by the Flashes who come running by with death on their heels and lots of omega beams. Darkseid then fires the time bullet back into issue 1 from issue 7 and is now alive but with no body.

-REALITY FALLS APART.

-Superman builds the god machine. He sings a song to kill what's left of Darkseid and confronts the evil monitor Mandrakk.

-The Ultimate Monitor shows up along with angels, forever people, and Green Lanterns. They kill Mandrakk and Superman wishes for a happy ending on the God Machine. The wish sets the universe back on track where it was before this whole thing started.

-Any left over craziness gets sent over to parallel Earth numbered 51, now deemed "Kirby Land".

-Batman is shown back at the beginning of time hanging out with and an aged Anthro "the first caveman". He is drawing the bat logo on a cave wall. Even in the stone age, Batman understands marketing.

-Martian Manhunter is still dead. Bummer.


So yeah, its just that simple!! I didn't even have to mention too much about the Monitors, Metron, the Japanese Super Young team and Global Superstar Norman Shilo a.k.a Mr. Miracle. Of course if you did understand this, congratulations you have read a lot of DC comics.

Sadfully, DC is taking the criticism of Final Crisis to heart and have decided to retcon the whole thing with an easier to follow storyline that is similar to the event. Which we can now present to you through the magic of youtube:

Issue 1


Issue 2


Issue 3- The conclusion

Darkseid has seen his shadow....

Six more weeks until the end of everything.

Out of Context Comic - Brenda Starr

Cause knowing what's going on is no fun. Best to fill in the blanks yourself.

It.....is............EVIILLLLLLLLL!

The playstation 3 demo of Resident Evil 5 hits the interweb today bringing the promise that I will enjoy slowly shooting zombies in the groin on next gen systems. I checked out the demo on the 360 last week, and like RE4 I fell back into my love affair of blowing up large groups of people with a mine grenade.

First thing you will notice once you boot up the demo is that the graphics are stunning. I played RE4 on the Gamecube and was blown away by that game's presentation, but RE5 trumps it by putting a HD gloss on my lumbering football player character Chris Redfield.

The demo offers 2 boards shantytown and even worse shantytown. The first stage is your typical survive until the chopper gets here level, only problem is that I have a fair amount of zombies chasing me and a dude with a big axe.

Now the first thing I noticed is that these zombies are durable. How many headshots can a zombie take? Lots apparently. You might be better afforded at times to save your ammo by shooting the zombies in the kneecaps running up to them and stomping in the groin. (Ok, you may not stomp them in groin but I like to imagine that and believe that there eyeballs are popping out).

Now the big gameplay difference in this installment is in the co-op play. Now if you remember RE4, the levels, in which, you had to team up with Ashley (the president's daughter) where not that much fun. Basically you told her to hide in barrel while you mow down a battalion of infested Spaniards.

RE5 gives you a partner who will actually shoot things and heal you. Now if she could only prioritize what she shoots, let say, shoot the guy with the chainsaw instead of the unarmed guy. She also follows your commands by pushing the "B" button on the 360. Which you will be pressing in fast succession just for the giggles you get from the dialogue.

I died a couple times in the second board because of the aforementioned chainsaw man. This lovable fiend will kill you in this matter:

Lovely

The controls are built bulky if your not used to the Resident evil scheme, but within 10 minutes you should get the drift. Check it out if you have the means and the desire to bring cultural revitalization to third world countries.

Santino!! Santino!! Santino!!

No man has been more responsible this year for more wrestle crap (i.e. what we love most out of fake grapple combat) then Santino Marella. The man who pulled off the honky meter, by bragging of how he would have as many title defenses as the Honkey Tonk Man. It didn't work out that way as he would soon be demolished ultimate warrior style during the low rung of his Intercontinental title run.

Now by judging from his Italian accent you may think he's as authentic as NY style pizza, but no that would be a terrible mistake. Born Anthony Carelli, Santino is actually from Canada where they produce hockey, moose, beer and squirrel. He's from Italian descendant so let's roll with it.

Early on in his career Santino was some what responsible for getting Jim Cornette fired as booker from the WWE minor leagues. Cornette would slap Carelli because instead of cowering in fear of the Boogey Man, he laughed. So yeah, come on who didn't laugh when you first saw the Boogey Man.

Boogey Boogey Boo!

Santino would hit the big time in the real leagues (ie the WWE) and become a cult sensation not because he could wrestle, cause yeah not so good there, but because he comes across so goofy.

A video highlight reel as presented by youtube. Enjoy

We salute you.

Should have been Left 4 Dead?

Well after years and years of not updating you figure I was dead right. Well yeah I was. My utter devotion to the Spaghetti Monster paid off though and my starchy master has revived me to unfortunately see this. Apparently, on WWE.com you can download desktop wallpapers of your favorite WWE jobber. Yes, your wrestling career is buried and what better way to show that then well displaying it outwardly on your person.

Of course this not the first time a zombie has been featured at wrestling event


Oh zombie you died before…well….before you ever showed up to the ring.

Goldage

When we last left Kurt Angle, our Olympic hero, he was a broken man. His wife wanted a divorce, his shirt and tie were undone, Samoa Joe was beating the heck out of him and he was balling like a 1 year old. He certainly didn't have his "A" game on. That streak of miserable luck came to an end at the "Hard Justice" PPV, where Kurt went on to defeat Samoa Joe to obtain not just one title but all of the gold in TNA.

The rig was in, as Kurt's wife revealed that she's was in cohoots with the Olympic hero from the start, giving Angle an advantage in the squared octagon (its TNA) and in the divorce court. Angle now holds every belt in TNA, gold, leather or otherwise. Which sucks for him cause now he has to defend them all against a bunch of people at the next TNA ppv - No Surrender.

Pacman Jones has assembled a team to do his dirty work in TNA. Consisting of Ron Killings, they are pretty much feuding with everything they see in front of them mainly Eric Young.

Vince is still looking for his son in the WWE programming block. He did a funny skit where the Boogie Man sang "Cats in the cradle" much to the disgust of Vince. No joke on Vince's detective work he's narrowed it down to some guy.

Sorry for the quick post this week, but I leave you with the

Highlight of the Week

TNA iMPACT!: Kurt Angle Action Short

Posted Aug 08, 2007

Can Kurt Angle take on the henchmen of his nemesis?

Kurt Angle - Movie star!!!

Much Youtubery?

Whole lot of antics occured this week in wrestling, McMahon returns, Teddy Long getting fake married, Angle crying, while the cruiser weight champion Leprechaun throws cream pies around. So let's start from the top and usher in the boss. Begin POWER WALK!!!

Vince now back from dead returned to put RAW in order. He talked about being sued by the government (for dog fighting - Hacksaw Jim Duggan wrestling anyone), the love of his family, and the Coach having to get another position cause - we gonna have ourselves a battle royale with cheese for his job!! Now any no name can be GM of RAW. My money was on Umanga.

Umanga as GM
Assistant: Mr. Manga can you schedule next week's card
Umanga: Maaaaahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahhaha Gaajajaj
Assistant: Yes I see. What type of coffee do you want?
Umanga: Mahahahahahhahahahahahhaha GAfafajajajajja..cinammon.
Assistant: Excellent.


This nightmare though never came to pass as a shoe-less Steven Regal won the job by saving us from general manager - The Sandman. Fpppth...That was a close one.

McMahon's night was not over as he was given some distressing news from The Coach.

I hope the kid is like 5, wears a McMahon wig, a suit, yells for ice cream and power walks.

Teddy Long had a much happier time on Smackdown as he announced he was trading marriage vows with Crystal for a honeymoon to be named later. Heck, he is the GM, he can do that stuff. The Great Khali broke up Teddylicious'"they just call him that?" announcement by saying: "Mahahahfhahfhafh ggahhahahahfhah Batista mafhafhafhafahhaha". Can't any of these Man Monsters speak English these days. This gibberish on babelfish translated to: me angry at Batista for wrecking my Punjabi dance party me want wrestle. End result - knock yourself out and knockout Ric Flair this week to boot.

In case you missed it, Hornswoggle - Fit Finley's leprechaun is the cruiser weight champ. Yup, Yup, Yup, Yup. He hit Jamie Noble with a cream pie. Of course no one believes Jamie cause who believes in Leprechauns.


On TNA, Angle is on top of his game while his world comes crashing down around him. He's got the TNA world championship belt, the Japanese IWGP Championship belt, and he's wearing $5,000 suits (Flairnomics, of course). Angle, though, is a wreck. He's got a championship match for all the gold in TNA as he will fight Samoa Joe for the world tag belts and the X-Division belt (short story - these two guys have all the gold)and now his wife is leaving Angle. The divorce came on national TV and rocked the world champ as he cried all over the arena. His shirt was untucked, he was blubbering about losing his kids, and even hugged smuck announcer Jeremy Borasch.

This week Angle went to of all people Kevin Nash for help. Nash was the only one that understood the complex needs of our Olympic hero. This is definitely rock bottom. Joe announced he had a special guest to introduce in the ring. When Borasch informed Nash who it was, Nash said "Oh, he did not need this!". All this while, while Angle was crying on the couch.

In the ring, Joe introduced his guest being of course- Angle's wife. Angle looking like a hobo with two title belts went to the ring and begged and cried to keep his marriage together. Let's see how it went:


Christian Cage learned this week, that he will have to wrestle in a...get ready for it...DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD MATCH against Abyss. I think a guillotine is involved some how. Jim Cornette commented to Cage that if Christian ran from one end of the ring to other he would look like shredded wheat!

Highlight of the Week-

Santino?? Why you know speak in your regular broken Italian accent!